Eating Disorder Awareness 2017

I kind of cannot believe that it is 2017---that I am now participating in National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) week for the FOURTH time.

I remember the first year I spoke about NEDA week in 2014, it wasn't the full story. I wasn't yet ready for that. I wrote about my past history with an eating disorder here but I wasn't ready to speak up about how my struggle had not only come back but, this time, with a vengeance.

I was so afraid of what people would think about me.

Eating disorders seemed like a taboo subject if you were talking about current life events. 

In July of 2014, I started to open up a little more about my eating disorder struggle being a current event and not just a past life event. You can read about that here.

But one of my favorites, one of my most cherished memories is the night I hit my rock bottom. Instead of being in control, my eating disorder was now controlling me. 
And that night, while sobbing on my kitchen floor, my little red-headed boy poked his head around the corner and brought me a pillow and a blanket and just laid there, stroking my hair while I cried.
You can read that beautiful post here.

The thing is, I've talked about this subject a lot since then. I've been up and I've been down. I've felt like a fraud and I've felt like a warrior.

And this year is a time where I genuinely don't feel like a fraud. 

I have fought so hard for this. 

I don't need to retell my story. You can read that post here.
Instead, we are going to go back in time, back to when things weren't always so rosy.

And I made this decision to share some personal journal entries with you because I want you to be aware of the power of eating disorders.

These words are all mine from various times throughout the past three and a half years. 

Oh, also, I swear a lot in my journals and I didn't change any of the words here so...you know...you've been warned in advance.


"I broke down yesterday.
It was one of those moments were, on the inside, I had completely lost my shit, but on the outside, I was acting totally fine.
I was fighting within myself---eating disorders are good, no they're bad, no they're good, no, no, no, no, no---*brain explodes*.
And I'm pissed. Because I have so many reasons to be happy. In fact, there are so many reasons why I AM happy.
But on the inside, when I allow my thoughts to turn to body image, I lose control. I cannot handle it. I fail at every recovery measure I've tried. I hate my body. I get angry at it for not being perfect.
Recovery tells me that my body has birthed two children, that it can dance and still do incredible things.
Ed tells me none of those things are good enough, that I'd be worth something if I'd just stop eating.
Stop. Eating.
I tell myself this daily. And then when I do eat, I hate myself for making such a bad life decision.
Because even though my life is so beautiful, it'd be even better if I was beautiful. My body doesn't match the life I'm living. It isn't beautiful.
I want to be beautiful.
And the only reason I'm still fighting is because I've heard stories of the damage and the heartache. In fact, I've been those stories. I've been ruined before. But if it weren't for journals, I wouldn't remember those broken stories because right now, when I look back, all I remember is feeling so strong and accomplished and worthy.
And I want to feel those things all of the time.
A part of me still feels like fighting is the right choice. And the other part of me feels like fighting isn't worth it.
So badly, I wish this wasn't my life. You have no idea how much I wish this wasn't my life.
To feel happy with your life while fighting or not fighting inner demons, that just doesn't seem fair.
I want to feel happy without hearing so many hurtful things being said about me inside of my brain.That girl in there, she is mean. She is cruel. She has extreme standards. Not for everyone, just for me.
Sometimes I don't get how I can be her, how I can be so concerned with loving and accepting others without being that way with myself.
Sometimes I feel absolutely crazy." 

"Fighting is hard.
I feel this sense of pressure that I'm supposed to be fighting for myself every day and a lot of times, it's too much. It is too damn much.
People say I'm strong. I even say I'm strong. But at night, when I think back on the day and the amount of times I gave in to my eating disorder, I realize just how weak I am.
I don't know if the trauma from the past month has made it worse but I feel like crap all of the time these days---obsessing over my food intake, purging many times a day, looking in the mirror and seeing fat fat fat fat fat fat fat and a whole lot of ugliness, weighing myself in the morning and wanting to throw the scale out the effing window.
I act like I'm fine. Am I fine? I feel fine. I feel like this is who I'm supposed to be. I feel like if I can just lose weight, I'll be happier than ever before. I believe that. I remember last March/April when I was going to the gym daily and starving myself or obsessively purging. I was beginning to look better. I was beginning to feel in control while simultaneously getting out of control---irony? Sure.
I think that's the thing I hate most about eating disorders. I crave the control but after a while, I lose control. But in a weird twisted way, the loss of control also feels good because my brain is saying, "This is what you've wanted! This is total commitment and you will love yourself soon.".
Soon?
When does "soon" happen? Does it end with the specific amount of weight I've dubbed as "worthy" of my approval? Or will the number just get lower each time I reach a goal?"

"There is so much fear involved with an eating disorder. Recovery and addiction both involve fear. Neither seems 100% free of it.  
I was sick this weekend and unwillingly threw up a few times. I went to church today still feeling a bit nauseous so I didn't eat beforehand and I slept in and missed an hour of church.
As I walked the halls, I was getting stopped over and over again by women asking me how I've lost so much weight. At first, I felt awkward. Would they like to know what my real secret has been? But after the first two stops, I started to feel good. I felt a little more confident and a lot more beautiful. I felt the attention and I soaked it in. 
And I couldn't bring myself to keep food down the rest of the day. 
So tonight I tried to reel in my safety nets by reading my journal and as I read a few key entries, I remembered.
I remembered the night I blacked out in my own bathroom and all I could do was crawl into my bed and hope I'd be awake the next morning. 
I remembered the times I would be running at the gym and my vision would blur as I pushed my body beyond what it should've been capable of doing." 

"Ed tells me a lot of heavy things when I compare myself to the people around me. He tells me that if I lose 20 more pounds, I'll suddenly feel "good enough". He tells me that I am a horrible mother and that I am the reason my spouse was addicted to pornography. He tells me that I should be more self-conscious than I currently am. When I start to feel any amount of confidence in myself, he laughs in my face and tells me the people who say nice things about me are doing so because they feel sorry for me. It's so hard to believe that people say things because they truly mean them. It is so scary to trust people.
At church today, a woman asked me how I'm getting so skinny. I looked at her with bewilderment. Me? Skinny? Ha! But I told her a friend had referred to this as the "divorce diet" because I just don't have an appetite right now because of stress. It was a lie. I hate lying. I wanted to tell her how I'm struggling with an eating disorder---and not just "an eating disorder" but bulimia, an eating disorder that doesn't come with loss of appetite very often. I wanted to tell her how I hate the girl I see in the mirror. But I have no idea what to say in these situations. I am not ready to just be "the girl with the eating disorder" or "the girl with the eating disorder because her husband left her". I want more of an identity than that and I'm afraid if I tell my real story in the middle of my struggle, I will get lost somewhere in there. When I'm stronger and have the confidence to help others with all of this, I know I will be able to tell my story and still be me."

"Today I tried hard. I mapped out my safe foods and put each of them around a meal time and I've been doing good so far. Only a few times have I had to talk myself out of unhealthy habits. 
I've been putting off this fight because I was afraid of it. I was afraid of weight gain and I was afraid I would feel more out of control again. 
All morning, I've had visions of taking a hammer to my scale. Seriously. I haven't been brave enough to do it because I cannot fathom NOT having my scale. 
But I ate breakfast and lunch. They were very small meals but they felt ok. I wasn't afraid. I didn't panic. I wanted so badly to fight. And I did it.

And then tonight I did it. I knew it needed to be done. I grabbed a hammer and my scale and I smashed it on my back porch. I smashed it over and over with the hammer and when that didn't do the job well enough, I grabbed the shovel and annihilated it. I'm sure my neighbors think I've lost my mind. It felt so completely liberating and scary and amazing, all at the same time. Now that I'm sitting here, without a scale in my bathroom, I feel like maybe I can fight this. I feel a lot of anxiety but mixed in, there is a sense of peace."

The majority of these are from 2014, back when I was pretty engulfed in my eating disorder.

How thankful I am to NOT be in that place today---but instead to be in a place where I choose recovery every single day of my life now.

And the truth is that it is a constant effort and choice on my part. I could go back there at any time---but I don't want to.

I like where I'm at right now. 

And the fact that I have been able to eat healthier lately without restricting or eating everything in my kitchen late in the evenings is a testament to how well my brain is doing.

You guys, my brain is healing! 

I haven't felt this way in a very long time and it is worth every moment where I've fought and failed and gotten back up again.

Friends, eating disorders are real and they're not all that fun to talk about. But they're also not all that fun to live with.

Because of that, I tell my story.
Because of that, every February/March I support eating disorder awareness week.

It's time to talk about it. 

It's time to stop ignoring the signs because it feels too uncomfortable to talk about it.

If you or someone you know is showing signs of an eating disorder, please reach out for help.

Please. 

1,095 Days

February 18th.  

This is a weird day for me to remember---the day I received finalized divorce paperwork in the mail.

Because there were positive and negative feelings that accompanied that paperwork. 

The months leading up to this day held some really important decisions---decisions that caused me to feel like I was drowning.

But in the end, when I look back on those months, they actually went pretty smoothly. 

We took one morning in late November of 2013 where we sat in a room and screamed and cried and laughed and yelled with/at each other and settled on a parenting plan. We finished our divorce paperwork and split up our assets. It was done. All in one single morning.

That was a hard time for me because I felt like I was losing a piece of myself---not only with the loss of my husband but moreso in realizing I'd be without my children every other weekend and possibly losing my "stay at home mom" title.

Our divorce affected motherhood and for me, that was the lowest blow. Because now, instead of having a cohesive unit of parents who work together for them, our children have two parents with two different opinions of how they should be raised.

*picture taken two months into our separation*

I never expected it to be like this. 

In the beginning, I always expected that we would remain friends and find a new normal. I always envisioned us doing activities together---because even though we didn't love each other, we loved our two precious children.

But it isn't all rainbows and butterflies like I thought {Go figure!}. There have been major bumps in the road for our family.

I couldn't have anticipated the things that have happened. They've surprised me each and every time.

The frustrations have been at boiling points way more often than I ever expected. 

*picture taken a week after our divorce papers came in the mail*

And one of the weirdest things about divorce, for me, is growing apart from someone who had made the commitment of eternity with me.

Maybe that's why it's harder now than it was in those first 6 months. Maybe it's because we no longer know each other.

Like how he came to pick them up one day and he was wearing glasses. Or how I've been straightening my teeth with Invisalign.

It's these weird, unimportant, little things that catch me by surprise every once in a while. Because when we were married, we knew so much about each other.

And now he's just my kids' dad. 

Three years have passed since I walked through the doors of that courthouse and filed the paperwork.

We have grown up so much in that time.

I have grown up so much.

I can remember when he left, how I was so incredibly surprised and heartbroken but also how I put my armor on and quickly learned how to fight for myself and my kids.

I remember how scared I was to live alone but how I adapted to it so quickly.

More than anything, I remember how my people rallied around me.
The night I got that paperwork, I sent out a group text with some joke about being able to go on dates now (which is more of a joke now that it was even then).
But I remember as the days went on and I let it sink in, how painful it started to feel that I was divorced.

The D word. 

The word we promised never to even bring up in our marriage---because it wasn't an option.


The truth is that it was always an option. 

And when things got hard in our marriage, it seemed that one of us would fling the word out into the universe to see how it tasted.
And each time, it tasted bitter. 

Now I know why. 

Now I know why the thought of losing my husband was so bitter.

Because in the past three years, there have been more bitter moments than I can count.
There has been so much hurt and so many accusations.

Because we don't know each other anymore. 

And I think knowing each other is what used to get us through our rougher patches.

But even though a lot of it has felt bitter, the sweet has been equally outpouring. In fact, I think I'll change the word 'equally' to 'more' because I cannot see my life different than it is right now.

I mean, a husband would be nice for so many practical reasons but I have been pushed and have grown so much over the past three years.

As painful as it's been, I just don't think I would change it. Because even though we aren't friends and my visions of our divorced life did not come true, my story isn't over. And I have faith that it won't always be like this, that someday the pain and heartache will dissipate and that I'll look back and see the beautiful moments outshining any of the low moments we've had.

Relief: Part One

 Relief: alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.

I have prayed for relief in many of my life's storms. 
Lately, my prayers have been geared toward loneliness and lack of companionship.

It really is hard being single and watching your friends go on Valentine's dates together and doing other things as couples.
My heart feels like it's ripping apart each time. 
It's never gotten easier---if anything, it's gotten harder. 

I've blogged about my dating woes in the past and each time, it seems like I'm met with a "you just need to be patient" or "your main focus should be your children" or some other response about how I shouldn't be focusing on these feelings.

And you know what? I'm sick of those answers. I'm absolutely sick of them.
Because they are completely apathetic and dismiss feelings that are very real for me.

Heart-achingly real. 

In six days, I 'celebrate' the anniversary of the day my marriage was severed legally.
It's been three years now. 
Three years---and I've gone on four dates since then.
And although it seems like I'm doing quite well---I'd even say that myself most days---the loneliness I experience has become a dark cloud that I have to fight each and every day.

I am so angry tonight, a feeling that I do not like at all. But anger sets in occasionally and I scream out to my Heavenly Father when life seems so unfair. And tonight, it seems extremely unfair. 

I spend my weeks giving everything I have to my children and often forget about myself.
My self-care involves choosing to relax instead of clean the house which then backfires because the house turns into a disaster and then I'm too overwhelmed to know where to start cleaning.

I keep thinking I've got the single mom thing down completely but then I look around at the messes and realize I am not taking care of everything like I should.
I am failing at so many things right now.

So many things. 

And I know you'll tell me I'm not---I'd genuinely tell you the same thing about your own life---but it often feels that way.

It feels like I'll never measure up to the expectations men have. Our culture depicts thinness as one of the most important factors when looking for a potential relationship and oh my gosh, it is so damn frustrating.
So even if I am comfortable with my body, which most of the time these days I am, it doesn't make a huge difference.
There have been times in my single life where I've thought to myself, "All I need to do is lose 50 pounds and then I'll be date-able", and that thinking is so backwards.
It's so sad that my brain even thinks that way on occasion.

But the truth is that it does. 

And I'm just trying to be truthful with you, as hard as that may be for me right now.

I have been in such a good place the past few weeks but tonight, I'm not.

Tonight I absolutely hate that I sit in this house alone each night.
I absolutely hate that every other weekend, my heart physically hurts pretty much all of Sunday but more specifically during church and at dinnertime because my two littles are gone.
I absolutely hate that the time I have to spend on dating and singles activities and relationships is almost non-existent and that their dad gets the thing I want so badly because he has 25 kidless days a month.
Tonight, I hate all of it.

And although I wouldn't change it because my kids are such an important part of my life, it is so incredibly hard.
And I'm not going to sugarcoat that because I believe it is important to talk about the crappiest of things and be open so that I'm not shutting myself off from the world and closing my heart to the beauty that does currently exist in my life.

So this is me not shutting down---even though it completely feels like me shutting down. 

2017

2016.

One of the most growing years I've had without really difficult challenges accompanying it.

This year was one of the most positive ones I've had since becoming an adult.

And I owe that all to my Heavenly Father. 

It's funny because, for years, I've begged Him for a break, a longer period of calm after the storm. Because although I recognize that He hasn't thrown all of my trials at me, I also have faith that He has the power to take my trials away.
And each time I was faced with a big one, I'd think, "Really? Didn't I ask for a break? Why oh why can't it just be calm for a while?" 

So while it hasn't just been a completely easy year, it was much calmer than the previous ones.

2016. 

The year I practiced authenticity and focused on my confidence. 

This part was difficult. Self-confidence does not come naturally to me. I've struggled with my body image since I was a child and this past year was no different.
But with everything these past few years have put me through, I can sit here and tell you that I CHOSE to ignore the eating disorder lies more days than not. I CHOSE to talk to myself more positively than I've ever done in the past.
My body and I may not always be friends---I might really struggle to like her---but I also realize that God created me in this body for a reason and that health, for me, needs to involve more positive talk and less hate.
And I believe I am finally at a point where I can start working on that more. 

2016. 

The year I finished three more semesters at Arizona State University. 

This year, my grades were not great. I struggled a lot, especially this past semester. Senioritis is a real thing. But I also finished 12 classes. I took numerous tests, wrote what felt like a million discussion board posts, and finished multiple research papers.
Juggling my school and home life was a major challenge for me but you guys, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE SEMESTER!
And I am going to successfully finish this last semester and graduate in May. 

2016. 

The year I learned more about the Bible and tried to stay true to what God wanted for me. 

'Tried' being the keyword.
There were times I fell off that path, where God wasn't really a major part of my decision making processes. There were times I woke up in the morning after making childish choices the night before and wondered what the heck I was doing.
I wasn't always following God's path---but instead trying to fit Him into my path.

And I believe that is the reason this has all happened so quickly. 

I believe I was supposed to learn certain things outside of the LDS church. I believe there were experiences and church services I was supposed to be a part of to teach me more about myself and about what I believe this life is about.

I believe I am a better Suzanne because of the religious decisions I've made in the past two years.
I have learned so much outside of my comfort zone and that has made me more confident in my every day choices.

And a major key in choosing confidence and authenticity for 2016 had to do with religion. 

People would ask me why I had left or what I believed and it scared me to answer. I hated answering those questions. I felt so inadequate, as I've often felt when it comes to religion.
So when I decided that I was going to be an authentic Suzanne, I made a decision to answer questions more honestly, more confidently, and also opening myself up to listen to the other sides of those conversations.

I've had conversations with Mormons who expressed their opinions of non-denominational Christianity.
I've also had conversations with non-denominational Christians who have expressed their opinions of Mormons.

Both of these conversation types have brought me to a stronger foundation of who I am and what I believe.

2016. 

The year I finished 30 hours of PS-MAPP courses to become a licensed foster parent. 

This was another call from God, one I had felt compelled to seek out years ago but never felt like the timing was right.
This year, the timing was right. 
And in the near future, my licensing should be complete.

This choice was not decided upon lightly and it has not been an easy journey. I have prayed so much about this decision that will alter our family dynamic.
But after everything my Heavenly Father has done for me, I am not going to argue with Him just because I am scared.

Because---confidence. 

I almost backed out of this process earlier in the year because the thought of opening my home to more children and potentially being blamed or scrutinized by the state or others involved in the process was more than I thought I could handle.
But God just kept bringing it up---and when I finally made the call to start my license, everything fell into place smoother than it ever should have.

I also held off on this for a while because I was worried it would interfere with my single/dating life---which is just downright hilarious because that part of my life is non-existent. But I worried about this for a while and prayed about it before realizing that I am not going to put my life on hold for greater things just because I am single.
I'd be happy to be dating but I'm also happy right now.

And I won't be sitting around waiting for my life to change before doing what God wants me to be doing.

If He tells me I need to stop or that I am needed elsewhere, I'll listen and obey that call.

But for now, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

2016 was one for the books.
It was positive and authentic and scary at times. It was full of spiritual and emotional growth.

And a few weeks ago, as I was considering what I wanted to work on in 2017, a new song by Danny Gokey came on the radio that impressed upon me my word for this coming year.

There's a brokenness inside of you
There's a wound that still reminds you
Of the fear, shame and rejection 
You have seen it, you have seen it

You know it's time to get up
But your heart's paralyzed, you're so stuck
You're past the point of trying again
You're defeated, you're defeated

But something inside you can't deny
You hear the call of your creator
I made you for more, unlocked the door
I wanna restore your glory

So rise
Breaking the dark, piercing the night
You're made to shine
An army of hope
Bringing the world
A radiant light
A radiant light
You were made to rise

Lift your head and look around you
See the dreams you lost, they have found you
And the heart that once was beating
Is coming back to life
Coming back to life

Shut the door on yesterday
Leave what happened in the grave
You were made to rise
You were made to shine
Creations longing for the day
For kings and queens to take their place
You were made to rise
You were made to shine

Rise
Breaking the dark
Piercing the night
Made to shine
Bring the world
A radiant light


As I listened to the words in this song, I knew what my word for 2017 would be.

Rise. 

Because although I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be, there is still so much to do.

There is still so much growth ahead. 

And I will rise above the negativity and the anxiety. I will rise above the impatience and the laziness.

I will fight for myself, for my children, and for the people that I love. 

When I am needed, I will rise. When I am called upon, I will rise.

This year, both of my children will be baptized and I have made a goal to attend a temple session every month. This is a goal I made when speaking with God last month. I promised Him that if He would guide me through 2017, I would do everything in my power to plant myself firmly in His gospel.
I am scared---but I don't make promises lightly and this is important to me. 

I did this a few years ago, before leaving the church, and it was one of the most positive experiences I've had.

This year, I made a goal to cook more, become more organized, and be more present with my children.
They need me. So much, they need me. And when they need me most, I want to be available.

This is the year that I rise above the negativity and the fear that grips me so often and become a more loving and patient Suzanne.

I believe I am capable of so much and I plan on continuing to learn and grow.

Parenting Alone

Most days, single parenting has become second nature to me.

I'm used to doing it almost completely alone, from the homework to the bedtime routine to the tantrums. I'm used to my children needing me when I'm already so completely exhausted.

It's been three years so I really should be used to this new normal. 

But sometimes it catches up to me. 

Sometimes I don't feel like I can take another step on this parenting journey alone. 

A few weeks ago, a lady I had only just met was asking about my kids and my life and when I told her I was divorced, she immediately asked if their dad was in the picture.

Me: Well, yes. He takes them every other weekend. 
Her: I just get so jealous of that! My husband travels all the time and I WISH I could have every other weekend off. In some ways, you are just so lucky that you at least get that break. 

You guys, this isn't the first time somebody has said those things to me and I know it won't be the last.
And while I know she meant well and that her struggles are just as real as mine, it feels like a knife in my chest when people say those things to me.

Because I DON'T wish I had a break from them every other weekend.
I wish our family all lived under one roof together. 
I DON'T enjoy the times they have things that I miss out on when they are with their dad.
And it is honestly so hard to be alone every single night in this house, wishing I had a companion who could tag team the tantrums and the homework and the bedtime routine.

This week, being a single mom caught up to me. 
It caught up to all of us.
And we've all been a mess. 

Major meltdowns have happened by all three of us this week.

And I'm just so exhausted. 

I'm exhausted and I am having a hard time leaving my house with a smile on my face.

I know it will probably feel better soon but during these times where it doesn't feel better---where divorce feels like the worst thing that has ever happened---I get so completely exhausted and frustrated that I am not a better mom to these beautiful babies of mine.

Friends, I hate complaining about this stuff because I'd do anything for my kids. My whole life is them.
But some nights it just hits me hard. Some nights I feel like I cannot take another step.

This is real life today. 

It is hard and messy and unpredictable. 

Real life this week consisted of one child telling me they hated me and then unbuckling their seatbelt while I was driving on a main road (Have no fear, I pulled the car over).
Real life this week consisted of another child participating in a gift exchange with friends and then crying because their gift wasn't like the other gifts (Enter the utterly embarrassed mother who swears she has taught her child better than this).
Real life this week consisted of so much more yelling and/or crying from the only adult in the house.

It's not always this hard---but right now, it is. 

And I'm not going to pretend that everything's always peachy over here. Because that just isn't reality.

And we are all about realness over here. 

The truth is that I'll wake up tomorrow, ready to be their mom again and throwing every part of myself into doing what I can for them. I already know that. I know I will never give up---even though I might rant to my friends that "I'm done!" and that "I quit!", which seem to be my go-to phrases when things feel super crappy. 

I'm never gonna quit. 

And I know life won't always be like this.

But right now, it is. 

And I just have to hold on to my faith that God knows me and will meet me in this hard place and eventually help me out of it.

Because without Him, I know I wouldn't have even made it this far and I'm grateful on these really low days to be able to look back and see how far we have come in the past three years.

The Next Right Thing

I've tried to deny God many times in my life.

More times than I'd even care to admit.

But thankfully for my ever-doubting brain, I have been given some pretty distinct answers to prayers in my life---and sometimes I've been given answers to things I didn't even pray about.

The most significant spiritual experience I've had was the day before my husband left me.
I was driving my kids to my parents house and heard a voice---clear as day---that said, "Just remember that you have a really good life." 
I kind of chuckled and thought, "Duh!", because at the time, I felt like my life was pretty incredible.
But as I sat there, I took an opportunity to count some of my most cherished blessings.
And the next day, as I was driving away from the home that my husband had just let me know he was moving out of, I was hit with the previous day's experience. "Just remember that you have a really good life." And all of the things I had counted as blessings the day before? I still had them. They still existed and separation/divorce could not take those things away from me.

Did that stop me from struggling or becoming angry or feeling betrayed? No. I still had to keep my head barely above water throughout the divorce process and the years since then.
Some days, I'm still barely keeping myself and my family afloat.

Another significant experience I've had with God came at a time in my life when I was in a pit of despair and struggling through some very private and horrific events that had occurred in my life. I was so angry and although I did not deny God in that moment, I was angry at Him. I yelled at Him. I didn't deny His existence but I denied His glory and love for me.
I was laying on my couch, yelling at Him at the top of my lungs, telling Him that if He wanted me to trust Him, he'd need to hit me over the head with a ton of spiritual bricks because I was done!
Done!
And although I was not handling things in a very productive manner, He still sent me exactly what I had demanded. Instead of a clear voice in my ear, He used another person and sent me a text with a scripture from a friend that had no way of knowing just how significant that scripture was in that moment.
It was kind of incredible.
In fact, not kind of.
It was truly incredible.

Since then, my journey of faith has not been easy, nor has it been very steady. 

At the beginning of this year, I chose to focus on authenticity toward myself, in hopes that I could learn how to shut out my fears of what other people think of the life I'm living.
I wanted it to matter to myself and to God. I didn't want input or opinions on what I should or could be doing. I wanted to figure it out on my own.

My people have been incredible through this. They have watched me make choices that don't align with theirs and they've just loved me unconditionally. That alone has been one of the sweetest parts of my journey---the love that I've found in places I was afraid it wouldn't exist. 

It's funny because as I sit here tonight, I'm realizing just how much I still haven't figured out and yet, I have learned so much in the past 18 months. I have grown so much. I have been so brave and have tried to be as authentic as possible.

One mantra that I've really tried to adopt in those moments where life just feels like too much to handle is stated below.

There have been many times in the past year and a half where I've wondered what I was supposed to be doing. I'd look at the future as one big picture and get overwhelmed with how hard it all looked.

And so I started doing "the next right thing".

When I get overwhelmed or I feel like I cannot make big decisions, I listen to my heart and follow what feels like the next right thing in my life.

This might sound simple but it really isn't.

Sometimes I'll feel like something is "the next right thing" and it still looks or feels too hard.

But I've tried really hard to stay true to that motto. 

I have learned a lot through the perspective of "the next right thing". I have made some really brave, scary decisions because of this promise that I made to myself. I have taken steps in directions I didn't necessarily want to go because, when praying, I discerned that those decisions were my next right thing.

And I'm so grateful that when my "next right thing" feels to scary, I have supporters to lean on.

As this year comes closer and closer to ending, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for my New Years goal of confidence and authenticity in 2016. I think I've stayed true to that goal more than any of my previous ones---and that's saying a lot because I really do feel like I've done well with my goals for 3+ years now.

I've already prayed about my word for 2017 and chosen a path but we will get to that in a different post.

In the meantime, I will continue living my life, choosing the next right thing.

To My Friends Who Voted For Donald Trump

They told me that I shouldn't be hurting. 

These things happen. 

They told me to stop overreacting. 

I should've seen this coming. 

And I did. 

Even in my most perfect world, I had always known this was a possibility. 

I wrote the above in my journal last weekend.

Friends, it has not been an easy week. Last Sunday, I received some news that really shook me and impacted my heart much more than I ever thought possible. I found myself a puddle of tears much of Sunday afternoon and Monday.
And then on Tuesday at 2:30am, I woke up sick and threw up *7* times between 2:30am and 10:00am. Again, the tears from how badly my body was hurting.
And then on Wednesday, while still trying to recover from "the sickness from hell", I woke up and realized that Hillary Clinton had not won the presidential election. And in that moment and in many moments since then, I've wanted to cry.

Last week was hard. 

And as I tried to explain some of the pain I was feeling in my heart, some of my people just didn't get it.

That happens sometimes. And I can't always blame them for it because sometimes, people just can't understand.

But here I was, feeling some pretty awful feelings regarding a personal matter in my life and then signing on to my social media sites to see awful posts about how I'm a cry baby and how uneducated I am.
You may not have known you were directing those comments at me but you were.

I may not be protesting Donald Trump but I am still trying to figure out how I'm going to support him as the elected president.
I may not be telling you that YOU are racist/sexist because I don't believe that voting for him makes you those things but I am not going to tell you that I don't believe those things about Donald Trump.

And every time I see those posts about how Hillary Clinton supporters are baby killers and idiots, it hurts---because I've known for months that I was going to vote for her and although I didn't want to debate it with others, it wasn't a decision I made because I am uneducated.

Hillary has flaws and you can say many negative things about her but I have yet to hear of her sexually assaulting other human beings or wanting to divide those of other races in our country.

And although it is not the only reason I voted for her, I went to bed last Tuesday night believing that we were shattering a glass ceiling that is long overdue to be shattered into a million tiny pieces. I was looking forward to telling my daughter about our first woman president and how great this was going to be for our society to see a woman in the highest job title in America.

I had a hard time feeling compassion for others on Wednesday. It seemed like every social media post was another slap in the face, another one of my friends reposting hurtful memes that felt directed straight at me.

And it was painful to witness.
It still is.

Because what a lot of you might not understand is the raw emotion a lot of us have been feeling.
Or the fear that our country is going to take steps in the wrong direction instead of what we believe is the right direction.
What you may not understand is that those of us who truly believed we knew the outcome based on polling data and our own high hopes now need to take the time to mourn and reprocess how we view all of this.

It may not make sense to you but it does to us.

Last Wednesday, I wrote a post on Instagram that said this:
"What I've learned throughout my life and even more so today is that you've gotta let people mourn their losses. You've gotta let people express their victories. But it is possible to do so while still loving.

I'm not happy today and maybe you are. Can we still be friends? Can you let me voice my sadness without telling me I'm wrong or uneducated? And in that same breathe, I will allow you to be excited, to share your joy without calling you wrong or uneducated.

You did what you believe is best and so did I.

One of us was going to be happy and the other one, sad.
But in the end, we are apart of something much bigger than this election.

We are Americans.

And right now, we're kinda sorta not acting like we are on the same side.

So let's give that a try and see how it feels."

I felt like it was the only thing I could say while watching so many of my friends tear each other's beliefs apart.

Because although I've not had an easy time with elections since I became of voting age (I've actually NEVER been on the winning end---go figure), this has been the first election where I've really been scared, where I've really questioned HOW this could ever work out without our new president truly damaging our society.

The reality is, I'm just going to have to wait and see. 

And the even bigger reality, the one I really like, is knowing that I still have the power within me to make a difference in this world. I can still be loving and kind and empathetic toward others. I can still teach my children what I want to teach them and raise them to be kind and honest and loving toward the people in their lives as they grow up.

I am not powerless just because my voice didn't feel heard in this election. 

I have the ability to make this world a better place and that is what I plan on doing.

My hope is that we can all take some extra time and think before posting on social media in the future.
Is what I'm about to say directed negatively at others?
Is what I'm about to say kind and loving?
Is what I'm about to say something that I would say to a person in real life?

And my personal favorite (and the one I use when helping my children decide whether their choices are aligning with how we are striving to live),

WWJD?
{What would Jesus do?}