I have prayed for relief in many of my life's storms.
Lately, my prayers have been geared toward loneliness and lack of companionship.
It really is hard being single and watching your friends go on Valentine's dates together and doing other things as couples.
My heart feels like it's ripping apart each time.
It's never gotten easier---if anything, it's gotten harder.
I've blogged about my dating woes in the past and each time, it seems like I'm met with a "you just need to be patient" or "your main focus should be your children" or some other response about how I shouldn't be focusing on these feelings.
And you know what? I'm sick of those answers. I'm absolutely sick of them.
Because they are completely apathetic and dismiss feelings that are very real for me.
In six days, I 'celebrate' the anniversary of the day my marriage was severed legally.
It's been three years now.
Three years---and I've gone on four dates since then.
And although it seems like I'm doing quite well---I'd even say that myself most days---the loneliness I experience has become a dark cloud that I have to fight each and every day.
I am so angry tonight, a feeling that I do not like at all. But anger sets in occasionally and I scream out to my Heavenly Father when life seems so unfair. And tonight, it seems extremely unfair.
I spend my weeks giving everything I have to my children and often forget about myself.
My self-care involves choosing to relax instead of clean the house which then backfires because the house turns into a disaster and then I'm too overwhelmed to know where to start cleaning.
I am failing at so many things right now.
So many things.
And I know you'll tell me I'm not---I'd genuinely tell you the same thing about your own life---but it often feels that way.
It feels like I'll never measure up to the expectations men have. Our culture depicts thinness as one of the most important factors when looking for a potential relationship and oh my gosh, it is so damn frustrating.
So even if I am comfortable with my body, which most of the time these days I am, it doesn't make a huge difference.
There have been times in my single life where I've thought to myself, "All I need to do is lose 50 pounds and then I'll be date-able", and that thinking is so backwards.
It's so sad that my brain even thinks that way on occasion.
But the truth is that it does.
And I'm just trying to be truthful with you, as hard as that may be for me right now.
I have been in such a good place the past few weeks but tonight, I'm not.
Tonight I absolutely hate that I sit in this house alone each night.
I absolutely hate that every other weekend, my heart physically hurts pretty much all of Sunday but more specifically during church and at dinnertime because my two littles are gone.
I absolutely hate that the time I have to spend on dating and singles activities and relationships is almost non-existent and that their dad gets the thing I want so badly because he has 25 kidless days a month.
Tonight, I hate all of it.
And although I wouldn't change it because my kids are such an important part of my life, it is so incredibly hard.
And I'm not going to sugarcoat that because I believe it is important to talk about the crappiest of things and be open so that I'm not shutting myself off from the world and closing my heart to the beauty that does currently exist in my life.
So this is me not shutting down---even though it completely feels like me shutting down.