Thursday, October 26, 2017


I went private for five months. 
Someday I might tell you why. 
But today is not that day. 

I miss it here.

I miss the familiarity of writing my thoughts here. 

And today I decided that I am not going to let my fears dictate what I want to do.

And so I will write. 

My anxiety has been rocky the past 4-5 months but I am starting to feel like myself again.
In the midst of my anxiety issues, I did something amazingly brave and applied for a second job so now I'm teaching dance again. I had taken a year off purposefully and when that year mark hit, I saw an opening and prayed about it.
Oh. My. Gosh. I prayed about it. 
Because I didn't want to put more stress on our family. 
But it worked out beautifully and I started teaching two weeks before Yaya left our home.

My anxiety tells me that I'll eventually do something to screw this up. It always tells me that. But I'm learning to ignore those thoughts because a past bad experience does not dictate a future experience.

And sometimes future experiences end up being really beautiful so it would be a shame to cower down just because of the past. {lifelessonnumberthreethousandandtwentytwo} 

I also turned the big 3-0. And the next day, I gave a talk in church for the first time in ten years. As intimidating as that was, it ended up being a really great experience. (refer to the above life lesson)

Hayley is still dancing and is growing up before my eyes. She moved up to company in June and now dances/competes a lot more. I keep expecting her to get tired of dancing because she still seems so young but day in and day out, she tells me she is never quitting dance. Her transition to the new school was actually very smooth and she has made a few new friends and is loving 4th grade.

Andersen just turned 8 and is currently in the middle of his soccer season. He says he is going to join hip hop in January because, in his words, "I'm just so good at it and I think the studio needs me". He was baptized last weekend and in true Andersen fashion, stood up on the pew and started doing the chicken dance for the entire congregation.

If it hasn't ever been clear before, I truly love my kids. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done. And although I sometimes feel as though I'm failing my children, lately I've been feeling like I'm killin' it at this mom gig.

I've been feeling more like my old self. Pre-2013 Suzanne. Pre-divorce Suzanne. Pre-anxiety disorder Suzanne.
I haven't decorated for holidays in a few years {except for Christmas} until this year. I haven't home-made Halloween costumes in a few years until this year. I have had zero desire to cook meals for our family until this year.

I am not whole but I am definitely getting there. 

So welcome back inside a glimpse of my world, friends.
I missed it here.