tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81803623299654088202024-03-14T05:00:35.393-07:00 Suzanne JanetteSuzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-16934341165454266832020-06-08T14:22:00.001-07:002020-06-08T14:22:20.640-07:00Exhaustion And Equality <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I am not much of a blogger anymore. I don't think it is a time issue but more of a motivation issue.<br />
<br />
I am definitely doing things---raising four kids, preparing to become a high school teacher, trying to keep my family physically and mentally healthy throughout the Covid-19 pandemic and recent Black Lives Matter protesting.<br />
<br />
But I find that I am more likely to sit on the couch when we are home because I have become more addicted to my phone to try and connect with the outside world in whatever way I can.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm not proud of that. It's just a fact. </span><br />
<br />
When the Coronavirus hit the United States and stay-at-home orders were put into place, I had recently become the foster parent of Baby Ry and was in the middle of my student teaching. In those first few weeks, I regretted taking in a new foster child because I was struggling. I was scared. But I honestly had NO idea that we would end up in quarantine. I had no idea that I would be inside my home with four children on my own, trying to juggle my own life with homeschooling and virtual foster care visits. <b>It. Was. A. Lot.</b> And that's ok because we figured it out and I am grateful for Baby Ry being in our home.<br />
<br />
<br />
In January and February, we were still chuckling over the panic that would sweep with the word "coronavirus". Remember when everyone was so scared about H1N1? I figured this would be like that. And my goodness, I was wrong.<br />
<br />
As the country started opening, I heard about the murder of George Floyd. I watched the video and cried. I watched part of the video of Ahmad Arbery and cried. I watched videos of riots and buildings burning down. I didn't know what to do or how to make sense of everything.<br />
<br />
I tucked Nixon in to bed at night and cried. I turned on America's Got Talent to take a break from the emotional exhaustion and an amazing black singer came on who had been wrongfully imprisoned for 34 years. More crying.<br />
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The weekend where most of this was happening, I was home alone with the two babies and Nixon would watch me cry and just squeeze my cheeks and snuggle into me. I know it was confusing for my 2-year-old to watch me cry so much but I was crying for him. I was crying for everyone like him.<br />
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<br />
I look at my son---<b><i>my beautiful, black son</i></b>---and see all of the good within him. I want him to live in a world that sees his goodness. I NEED him to live in a world that will treat him equal to his brother and sister, even if he makes mistakes in his adult life.<br />
<br />
You see, I am not going to turn this into an argument of whether George Floyd or Ahmad Arbery had clean records. <b>The truth is, I don't give a damn if they did or if they didn't. </b><br />
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I keep looking at my son, a child who will grow up with some trauma associated with foster care and adoption and in-utero drug exposure, and I will not promise that he will live a perfect life. I will spend my time teaching him right from wrong, expressing all of the positive qualities within him, and hope he makes good choices as an adult.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">BUT IF HE DOESN'T...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>And this is the key point here</i></span><br />
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I want to trust that my son will be given the same treatment and opportunities that his older brother and sister have. I want to trust that he isn't abused or murdered if the police are called on him.<br />
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I am scared for my son. I would give my life so he could live in a world that celebrates the color of his skin, rather than feels threatened by it.<br />
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I get daily compliments on how adorable he is---<i>that blonde hair and those green eyes are uniquely Nixon</i>---but I need people to celebrate those things about him when he grows up too.<br />
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I can do everything in my power to teach Nixon that he is loved and wanted but the truth is, if he goes out and the world tells him he is less worthy than the rest of our family because of the color of his skin, he is going to internalize that.<br />
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The past few months have been hard. I have felt isolated and scared. I have struggled with anxiety.<br />
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Luckily, I have found ways to ease some of those dark feelings through tik tok dances (not kidding) and making sure I get some sunshine every day. Before this quarantine, I had never really let the kids play in the driveway because we have a backyard. Now, we spend a lot of time in our driveway, eager to wave and talk with neighbors as they walk or drive by.<br />
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I am grateful for the good times but I am exhausted from the hard stuff.<br />
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Being a mother is everything I've ever wanted and I hope my kids understand that on the days I'm overly emotional or struggle with my lack of patience, I am still trying. I am still showing up and trying to figure this all out. And I'll never give up on that because they mean everything to me.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-60664495191165966852020-01-08T18:06:00.001-08:002020-01-08T18:06:46.477-08:002020: Persist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Persist.</span><br />
<br />
I can't get this word out of my mind. But it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like my past words have and that bothered me.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I searched for synonym words that could bring the same meaning but nothing compared.</span><br />
<br />
I thought about using the word Surrender for a second year in a row because that word has been so powerful for me this past year but I also know I need to have a new focus as this next year begins.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">There are huge changes on the horizon.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Two weeks into 2020, I am finally beginning my student teaching journey.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I. Am. So. Scared.</span><br />
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Fourteen weeks of no income and not having the flexible schedule to balance motherhood and work. It just feels like a lot. It IS a lot.<br />
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I'm worried I won't be a good teacher. I'm worried I'm not smart enough. But I'm utilizing my word from this year--surrender--and I'm just giving all of those fears to God and moving forward.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2019 was one of our best. And surrendering my life to what God asked of me was hard but good.</span><br />
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In August, I pulled the plug on our crazy dance life. I still miss it. It's still hard. But a lot of that is because of status. Having a daughter who was incredibly talented made me feel like I was crushing motherhood just a little more. Weird--but true. The competitive dance world is hard and giving it up for the betterment of my family was not an easy decision. I really think God ultimately made the decision because the day I made that choice, I just couldn't see my life moving forward with dance. I miss watching Hayley on stage. I really do. But I love the time our family has spent together the past four months.<br />
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I surrendered my life to God when I chose to adopt Nixon. It didn't necessarily make sense to those outside of our family. And I had fears regarding that huge decision too. I was scared I wouldn't be enough for him on my own. But I also know how much I love this boy and so I surrendered my worries to my Heavenly Father and put all of my trust for our futures in His hands.<br />
<br />
I truly learned a lot from surrendering a lot of big decisions last year. Utilizing the word surrender helped me to be able to let go of anxiety and have faith.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In 2020, I really feel like we are going to make some huge, positive changes. </span><br />
-Finishing school and *hopefully* being able to find a teaching job will allow me to spend more time with my family and support our family more.<br />
-Continuing to foster and serve our community will push us to grow as a family and learn from each child we have in our home.<br />
-Hayley is starting the Young Woman program at church and with that, she will experience growth and hopefully be able to find more friendships at church. She will also go to junior high this year--not loving that thought right now--but more opportunities for growth!<br />
-Andersen is also starting a new church program that I think will help him to grow and make more friends.<br />
-Nixon is turning 2 this year and that's all sorts of weird. He is going to be a whole different kid by the end of the year because he seems to be changing and growing every day!<br />
-And I've got some other goals on the horizon that are personal to me.<br />
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Persistence is such an important role in all of this. To me, persistence means not giving up when things get uncomfortable.<br />
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A year ago, I gave up on my student teaching because I was spread way too thin and could not see myself giving enough attention to student teaching and my family. Because our dynamic is different this year, I am ready to power through the scary moments.<br />
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Persistence is a reminder that if I have a hard day or a hard week, I need to look ahead and fight for the good days. Persistence means not giving up on my mental health and continuing to learn how to care for myself so that I can better care for my children.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">This is my year, y'all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I can feel it. </span>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-19401238210561301852019-09-11T13:01:00.000-07:002019-09-11T13:01:00.214-07:00Six Years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Six years ago, I was a completely different person.</span><br />
<br />
I hardly ever questioned my future. I just figured it was all going to work out the way I had planned. Because I was a huge proponent of plans.<br />
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Six years ago, I thought we would open up a foster license or figure out the process to adopt because we were struggling with infertility. Infertility seemed to equivalently draw us closer together and drive us further apart. It was a weird phenomenon.<br />
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I thought I'd be able to stay home with my kids as I worked through my college degree and then I'd eventually work 2-3 days a week as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I had signed up for night classes so the kids wouldn't feel the loss of me being gone so much during the day.<br />
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Six years ago feels like a lifetime. Sometimes I try so hard to remember how I used to feel or react or the beliefs I had. All of it has changed. Everything started to shift six years ago.<br />
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But it wasn't some huge negative thing that ruined my life.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I built a new one. </span><br />
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I'm still hilarious <i>(obviously) </i>and sarcastic and love to laugh. I still like to have serious discussions and get to know the background of people's lives. I am still extremely sensitive and hate confrontation.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">But my priorities have shifted. </span><br />
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I could be done with school right now. I could've gotten a masters degree and be working as a licensed therapist right now. I chose not to because I felt strongly that I needed to be with my kids as much as possible.<br />
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And then our dance life got so crazy and although I was with my kids in the afternoons/evenings, I felt like we didn't have very much time to connect.<br />
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After realigning that, I have remembered my original purpose for only wanting to work the hours my kids were in school. It is the reason that a teaching degree was so appealing to me. And it is the reason I finally submitted my paperwork to finish my student teaching.<br />
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I've been paralyzed with moving forward since December of last year. For a while, I thought about throwing away ALL of the schooling I've done and just work the job I've worked for over ten years. I like comfort. New things bring me anxiety.<br />
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But then I thought about this past year and how up until February of 2019, I had fully planned on taking in Nixon's biological baby brother that was about to be born. I told our caseworker I would do anything to keep the boys together. And then I just couldn't make it work. I was working two jobs. I was raising three kids on my own. I prayed about it and taking his brother in as a newborn was not right for our family. I hated that answer. But I followed it and am glad I did.<br />
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This past week, I've thought about Baby Brother so many times. I've thought about why I said no and what would've happened if I had said yes. And I realized that although I don't regret taking Brother, I do regret the time I've spent over-exerting myself instead of just breathing and raising my babies.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">That's really all I want out of life. </span><br />
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I think that's what makes these past six years so significant to who I am now. I've done a lot of things I never thought I was capable of doing on my own. I'm adopting Nixon in about three weeks. I'm spending time with my favorite people. And I'm going to finish school and have a career as a high school English teacher.<br />
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It probably looks similar to how things were six years ago. But the feelings are different. My opinions are different. And I'm starting to feel a little less paralyzed by fear these days.<br />
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So cheers to the next six years. If they push me to grow as much as the past six years have, I'm pretty much going to be perfect by then.<br />
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Time to stick around and see, y'all. ;)Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-45561525940863563132019-08-26T18:51:00.001-07:002019-08-26T18:51:29.096-07:00Surrendering The Big Stuff <span style="font-size: large;">Surrender. </span><br />
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What I've learned throughout the past eight months is that I suck at surrendering.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Because I am a professional control freak. Or at least I try to be. </span><br />
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Surrendering so much this year has been amazing. And extremely scary. I have taken some of my hardest decisions and consulted God in the process, trying to figure out what He wants for our family.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I found that some of the hardest decisions made the most sense. </span><br />
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As you know, we've been a competitive dance family for 7+ years. I have found myself basing a lot of life decisions around dance. Because how can you not? Competitive dance <i>(especially when you're working a second job to pay for it)</i> runs your life. <b>It just does. </b><br />
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<b>Can I continue to be a foster parent?</b> <i>Probably not because I teach dance on Saturdays and finding babysitters is so hard on me. </i><br />
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<b>Can we take a small vacation as a family?</b> <i>Probably not because all of my extra money needs to be set aside for hotels and competitions and nationals, etc. </i><br />
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<b>Can my kids try out for the school musical? </b><i>Nope---because dance is 4-5 days a week. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">You get the point. </span><br />
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Around June, it was beginning to haunt me. I remember jokingly asking my friend how I was going to hold on as my 11-year-old danced throughout the next 7 years. How was I going to afford it? How would I be able to devote extra time to my boys? How would I student teach when I have to be at the studio to teach dance at 4pm? And how would I get enough classes to cover her dance fees when I couldn't teach past 6:30pm when daycare closed?<br />
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This past year had burned me out. I was at the studio until 8:30-9pm a few nights a week, with a teething/crawling/walking/whining baby boy and an older boy who would spend hours on his iPad.<br />
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Home cooked meals were a joke. Our house was always a disaster. I was definitely over-doing it. Definitely, definitely.<br />
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But then this precious girl of mine would thank me for making her dreams come true and allowing her to develop her passion and I'd tell myself we would figure this out, year after year. I'd figure it out if it killed me.<br />
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I held on in July. I went back to teaching and realized my schedule would be lighter this year---awesome as far as time with my boys, not awesome as far as paying for competitive dance.<br />
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I'd like to point out that when I say I held on, that was coupled with anxiety attacks at least weekly. But I smiled through it. I danced with my cutest dance babies through it. I stayed busy and told myself I'd sit down to figure out the logistics later.<br />
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I can't explain exactly what happened the day I decided we had to quit. I can't quite explain the emotions that went into it or the firm answer to prayer that life without dance was still life. <i>That may seem ridiculous to need that answer but I did. </i><br />
<br />
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I struggled with it at work. I sobbed to my sister. I didn't want to tell my kids. I didn't want to tell anyone at dance.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">But I knew it was the only way I'd start to feel mentally healthy again. </span><br />
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<br />
So at the beginning of August, I sat in the parking lot just outside of my kids school and told them we were taking a break from competitive dance for this year. And it was hard. We all cried. We cried for a few days.<br />
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<br />
But things began to turn around as the kids told me other things on their wishlist of activities. They tried out for the school play and both made it. We've gotten homework done every single day and had more home cooked meals as a family. We've spent so much time together in the afternoons. <b>I't's been so different in the best way. </b><br />
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Do I miss it? Yes and no. I miss the relationships. I miss watching Hayley shine on stage. I miss watching Andersen make new friends. I miss seeing the love that everyone has for Nixon. They've literally watched him grow from a newborn to a toddler.<br />
<br />
But I don't miss the competitive stuff that gave me anxiety or worrying about how I was going to pay for it all. I don't miss stressing that Hayley wasn't working hard enough, only for her to come home in tears because she felt like she was working hard. None of this is a complaint about her teachers or her studio. If we hated them, we would've left a long time ago. The truth is that we loved Dance Republic. We loved the teachers. We loved all of our friends. Saying goodbye to what was a main priority in our lives was so hard. I know it won't be the same. I know the relationships have to shift. Hayley's dance friends are super busy and she isn't anymore.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">But the amount of joy I have felt as we are preparing to adopt Nixon is worth those heartaches that we've felt. </span><br />
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Surrendering answers in my life to God is not easy for me. This decision was one of those huge ones that I have fought for a while. But what I'm learning is that surrendering my life to God and His plan for me is going to bring us the most long-term happiness and peace.<br />
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And that is what I need the most right now.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-3451779003323354882019-01-08T13:09:00.000-08:002019-01-08T13:09:26.820-08:002019 : SurrenderIt's been a few months, y'all.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So first of all---<b>hi</b>. I've missed you. </span><br />
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It is already the 8th of January and although I picked my word a few days ago, I've been enjoying my time with my three babies and all of our holiday crazy.<br />
<br />
So here I am, ready to write an update for you that includes my 2019 word.<br />
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2018 was <b><i>the</i></b> year. It is the best year we've had since divorce.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It wasn't an easy year. But it was our best one to date. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">In 2018, here are some things our family accomplished: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Andersen performed as a meerkat in a production of The Lion King and was absolutely adorable. </li>
<li>I fractured my toe/foot teaching dance, literally just by being kicked by a 10 year old. Darn dancers and their strong legs. ;) </li>
<li>Hayley landed her round-off, back-tuck like a freaking boss. </li>
<li>I spent February to May in a classroom at Gilbert High School, observing and tutoring for over 20 hours. </li>
<li><b><u>Leo.</u></b> The brightest part of our year was getting a call on Easter Sunday, asking if I'd take a 2 day old baby that was being discharged from the hospital in 20 minutes. That "yes" has changed our lives for the better. And nine months later, he is still changing my life daily. I never knew I could love another human as much as I love Hayley and Andersen but Leo is so equally loved and wanted. </li>
<li>I took a 3 hour test that certified me to teach high school English and PASSED. </li>
<li>Hayley attended her first Nationals in California with her dance team and they were amazing, coming away with many high titles. </li>
<li>Andersen tried out and made the Drones hip hop team at Dance Republic and now says dance is his very favorite sport and that he wants to do it forever, just like his big sister. </li>
<li>I interviewed at 5-6 high schools, being turned down each time but learning more and more about myself and how to interview each time. </li>
<li>I spent October to December in three different classrooms at San Tan Charter HS, observing, tutoring, and teaching for over 55 hours. </li>
<li>I was offered a job teaching high school English and through lots of prayer, I turned it down because it was not what was right for my family at this time. As hard as that was to try and make sense of why I would turn down a job I've worked toward, I've only felt peace since that moment. </li>
<li>I got a daith piercing that has significantly helped my migraines. And after doing that, I went off of caffeine and have done really well with that! </li>
<li>Leo has accomplished rolling, sitting up, laughing, learning to make various sounds, and getting super chubby and pretty tall for his age---cause he's just an overachiever like that. </li>
<li>I finished my very last semester of school and decided to postpone my student teaching for a semester while I figure out some big decisions for my life. </li>
<li>Hayley got glasses and looks absolutely adorable in them. </li>
<li>I got to be a guest on a podcast with my friend, Emily, talking about my divorce and co-parenting and my life now. </li>
<li>Hayley turned 10. </li>
<li>Andersen turned 9. </li>
<li>I turned 31. </li>
<li>Leo stayed 0. </li>
<li>Andersen lost two teeth. </li>
<li>Leo got two teeth. </li>
<li>Leo had his head shaved and got a Doc Band helmet that he will be wearing for the next 4 months. </li>
<li>Both of the olders are flourishing and doing well in school. </li>
<li>And although this will eventually be it's own post, we are hoping to adopt Leo sometime in 2019 and are praying that God can carry us through whatever plans He has for Leo's life. </li>
</ul>
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There is so much more, I'm sure. I could continue to tell you all of the amazing things my kids are doing and accomplishing. They truly inspire me to be a better person. </div>
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I've been pondering on 2018 and my word for the year---<b>forgiveness</b>. </div>
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I really feel like this was a year where God worked miracles in my heart that helped me to see so far beyond what I thought I was capable of seeing. </div>
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I have spent this year mending friendships and letting go of ones that can't be mended. I've spent a significant amount of time working through any resentment still in my heart from my divorce and our difficult court trial last January. I've also worked through a lot of healing with my therapist to forgive myself. </div>
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It is not over. I don't know if it ever will be. I am continuously on this scale of hating myself, loving myself, and forgiving myself for my life decisions. In fact, I feel as though I am still somewhere on that continuum with my ex-husband or others who have hurt me in my past. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
2018 was my year of miracles. I look back on the mostly-smooth co-parenting and the fact that I was able to raise a tiny newborn while working two jobs and going to school full time. It wouldn't have been possible without all of the miracles God placed in our lives. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">It wouldn't have been possible without all of you. </span></div>
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As I thought about what I want 2019 to represent, the first thought that came to my mind is my <strike><i>need</i></strike> <b><i>want</i></b> for control in all aspects of my life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I struggle with OCD and anxiety daily.<br />
<br />
I like control because if I can stay in control of a situation, my brain tells me that I won't get hurt.<br />
<br />
It's not effective. I still get hurt. And my need for control usually just makes me sick with anxiety. It doesn't actually change the things that are happening.<br />
<br />
So I'm going to try something in 2019 that I think I'm ready for.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Surrender.</span></b><br />
<br />
I want to surrender the obsessive controlling that I<i> try</i> to do. This is actually something I've been working on for a while but I need it to be at the forefront this year.<br />
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As I pray for the adoption of my Leo boy, I want to surrender the feelings of control and worry that come with each court hearing and caseworker visit. Leo is my second experience with foster care but my first experience with adoption. I've known from the beginning that he was different. Even when they told me at a week old that he would only be with us for a few more days or when they changed their minds right before the last two court hearings and decided not to change the case plan to severance. We have a connection unlike anything I ever thought I could experience with a foster placement. And as this situation unfolds and we continue to love our little guy, it is SO hard not to want to control all of the things. But the truth is, <b>I can't control it.</b> DCS could take him tomorrow and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. But I want to stop prolonging my enjoyment of watching my baby boy grow up by being scared that I'm going to lose him. I want to surrender those fears to my Heavenly Father and just be Leo's mom right now, in this moment.<br />
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As a person who will forever be co-parenting with my children's dad and their step-mom, I want to surrender the need to control each situation that presents itself. Co-parenting is not easy. It is ever-changing as the kids get older and as our personal lives change. I've had two different babies in my home. Their dad got married. Our dynamics have changed many times. And I still feel threatened by his wife sometimes and her relationship with our kids. I hate that I do it but I do. I still get scared that somehow, they will like her more than they like me. I'm still completely overprotective and get frustrated with any little mistake I hear has happened at their other house. And that---THAT is why I need to work on surrendering to Heavenly Father's plan. Because his plan involves my children being loved by myself, their dad, AND their step-mom. And it is a beautiful thing that my children have so many people who love them and care about them. No matter what that looks like or how it is given, all three of us love these kids. And that is a positive thing.<br />
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Over the years, my faith has been so strong in believing that God was going to place a future spouse in my life. It is something that is on my mind often. Being single is not easy and I often feel like I'm drowning, trying to keep up on paying bills and making sure my children's needs are met and somehow finding a minute for myself. I'm emotional about this one---because it's the hardest one for me to surrender. Although I am never going to give up on the potential for a future spouse, I think it is time that I surrender the belief that it <b><i>will </i></b>happen. There have been so many times where I did not know how to make my paycheck stretch and would have the thought, <i>"If only I had a spouse who could provide another income in our home, then we will be ok."</i>. There have been so many times where I realize the kids have more than one thing happening at the same time and I think, <i>"If only I had a spouse, then I wouldn't have to feel anxious about getting my kids places."</i>. There have been so many times where I've wanted to make a decision that feels right or easy but I am not sure I can say yes to it---because how would I take that on without a spouse?<br />
<br />
2019 has some huge decisions and changes in the air. Some of those decisions, I can guarantee I will be judged for, solely based on the fact that I am single.<br />
<br />
I mean, it sure as hell doesn't make sense that I would turn down a job that would increase our income. And it doesn't make sense that I foster and will possibly adopt other children when we have such a crazy schedule.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I get it. I'd probably look at me like I was crazy too, if I were you. </span><br />
<br />
But what I wish more than anything is that people could look at my life and understand that I am trying my best and that my main priority is being a mom and raising my children. I'd do anything for my kids---which includes turning down a job that would greatly decrease the amount of time I'd be able to spend with them.<br />
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And maybe to some of you, foster children are not <b><i>my</i></b> children---maybe that's the part that makes the least sense---but I believe they are my children. In fact, I believe they are all of our children.<br />
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God has asked me to take on some huge responsibilities in my life, ones that feel right but seem daunting. I'm scared. But I am trying to surrender to His will---not mine or yours.<br />
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<br />
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">I made my castle tall</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I built up every wall</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">This is my kingdom and it needs to fall</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I want You and no one else</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Empty me of myself</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Until the only thing that's left is</span></div>
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">More of You</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Less of me</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Make me who I'm meant to be</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">You're all I want all I need</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">You're everything</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Take it all I <b>surrender</b></span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Be my king</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">God I choose</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">More of You</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Less of me</span></div>
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">More of You</span></div>
<div jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 12px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">This life I hold so close</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Oh, God I let it go</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I refuse to gain the world and lose my soul</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">So take it all I abandon everything I am You can have it</span><br /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The only thing I need is</span></div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">More of You</span></div>
</div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge"><br /></span></div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">All to you</span></div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">I <b>surrender</b></span></div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">All to you m</span>y blessed Savior</div>
<div class="rGtH5c" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 1.24; margin-bottom: 0px;">
<span jsname="YS01Ge">I <b>surrender</b> all</span></div>
Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-776156427839046742018-10-07T11:53:00.002-07:002018-10-07T17:23:00.137-07:00On My Worst Days<span style="font-size: large;">It started on Sunday. Or maybe before Sunday but that day felt significantly hard. </span><br />
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The panic over not being able to provide for my children for 12 weeks while I am student teaching is setting in. It's right in front of me, only a few months away, and it is affecting my mental health.<br />
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Feeling like I'm asking for too much or relying on others makes me uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
And on Monday morning, I said goodbye to my children for the week and immediately drove to a job interview.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Knocked. It. Out. Of. The. Park. </span><br />
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I left feeling on top of the world. Maybe my circumstances would change. Maybe I wouldn't have to student teach. Maybe God had placed that job interview in my path at the exact time when I was needing it most.<br />
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<br />
And then the rejection email came on Wednesday. On the day when I realized my baby boy was getting sick and vomited all over me at dance.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I felt completely kicked when I was already down. </span><br />
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And then on Thursday, I felt more rejection after a difficult conversation with someone I had put a lot of faith and trust in. More shame for feeling like I'm not providing enough for my babies. More anxiety as I felt more being put on my already-full plate.<br />
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It didn't fully hit me that night. I was sad. I was anxious. I felt completely stupid. But it wasn't until Friday when Leo was still sick and I had to leave work early to get him that I started to lose it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Like fully lose it. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>"Sobbing to one of my best friend's on a Marco Polo"</i> losing it. </span><br />
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And all of this in the parking lot of dance before I walked in to teach.<br />
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I've lost it a few more times between yesterday and today. Each time, it is when I'm alone and feeling the depth of everything being placed in my path.<br />
<br />
There is a lot going on right now. And I feel like I am just treading water in the middle of the ocean, waiting to see if I'm going to make it or if my legs are going to give out.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And why am I writing this down? Why, if you are a close friend, have I not told you personally? </span><br />
<br />
It's probably because when I speak these things out loud, I cry. And what I'm trying to do is continue to tread that water and not completely drown. Crying takes energy and makes me feel weak. And I'm hanging on by a thread over here.<br />
<br />
Somehow, I'm still passing all of my classes. Somehow, I'm still working two jobs. Somehow, I'm still raising three children.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But it doesn't feel as amazing this week as it normally does. </span><br />
<br />
More than one circumstance from this week has made it feel less amazing. My brain has decided that I'm not getting by because I'm strong---I'm getting by because everyone else is making it possible. It has nothing to do with me.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">My heart knows that isn't true. </span><br />
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But the inner struggle between my heart and my brain has left me feeling exhausted and confused. I'm having a hard time believing that somehow, I've made this all happen for us. I'm feeling like a fraud---like the only reason I'm passing my classes is because I half-ass every assignment and they must feel sorry and give me points for effort. Or like the only reason I am providing for my children is because everyone around me helps out and feels sorry that I'm a single mom and I have NO idea what providing for a family 'in the real world' looks like. Or like the only reason I am able to raise Leo is because the government financially assists his life and not because I'm actually a good mom or that my love is what is helping him to thrive.<br />
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These are the real struggles. The un-sugarcoated mess that has been swirling around in my brain and tells me I'll never be good enough to <i>actually </i>be successful. These are the fears I currently have that tell me I'm not successful, that I should have this all figured out after five years of divorce and that I rely too much on the fact that I'm a single mom.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The phrase "single mom" just feels like some nasty crutch that I've apparently used for way too long. </span><br />
<br />
I don't always leave the darkness here---the reality of how I feel on my worst days or the struggle I have with feeling like I'm good enough to succeed at anything.<br />
<br />
I have been rejected before and although I feel like that should prepare me better for more rejection, it just seems to have me feeling worse.<br />
<br />
I am not going to happily end this blog post. I already know that once my babies are back tomorrow, I'll feel immersed in the joys of raising them. But this week was awful. It broke me down. I felt worthless and ashamed and childish.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And there is no sugarcoating those feelings. <b>They just are. </b></span><br />
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<i>PS: It is really hard for me to just leave this here as is. I so badly want to wrap it up with a positive message. I don't like when people are worried about me. That isn't the point of this. And in fact, I don't need the worries because this isn't the first or last time I will feel this way. But it needs to be written and intertwined with my blog posts about how everything wraps up perfectly in a pretty little bow. Because life does not always wrap up in a pretty little bow! </i>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-27096318853949810152018-09-24T13:25:00.002-07:002018-09-24T13:25:45.871-07:00Anxiety UpdateMonths ago, I wrote <a href="http://suzannejanette.blogspot.com/2018/02/dealing-with-anxiety.html">THIS</a> post about my anxiety disorder and how it affects my life. I stumbled upon it today while looking for something else I had written and it just seemed to hit me that my anxiety has been quieter lately.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Without medication.</span><br />
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It's a personal story as to how and why I went off of my anxiety medication but that was over two months ago and realizing that my anxiety has been a little more distant in the past few weeks has me feeling a lot of positive-emotional feelings.<br />
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You see, I'm not an advocate for medication and I'm not an advocate for a more natural approach to dealing with anxiety.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I'm an advocate for doing what feels right for YOU.</span><br />
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That advice alone, <i>because it kind of isn't even advice,</i> is the only kind of advice I would give you if you asked me whether you should take medication or use essential oils or drink coffee or see an energy healer to aide your anxiety.<br />
<br />
The things that have worked for me in the past 6 years of dealing with the worst parts of my anxiety disorder have changed throughout time. Sometimes, medication helps the most. Sometimes, it aggravates what my body is feeling.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I've learned that it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else for it to be the right thing for me.</span><br />
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I'm still an anxious person. I still hate when my kids are not with me. I still think about the day when/if I'll have to say goodbye to my precious Leo boy and feel a sense of panic.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">But I have been handling those ups and downs so much better lately. </span><br />
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And maybe I'm on here writing just to say how thankful I am for these times in my life where I'm handling everything pretty well.<br />
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Because I can't really think of another reason why any of you would need an update on the current medications I'm taking. ;)<br />
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I'm just grateful that life has been so beautiful lately. Co-parenting has been effortless. Teaching dance has been a huge highlight. Raising my three babies has been so rewarding.<br />
<br />
It's just all going <b>right</b>, right now. And I'm so thankful for that.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-61078390251902465002018-09-10T21:36:00.000-07:002018-09-10T21:47:05.187-07:00How Do I Do It?This past weekend, my brother finished his two-year church service mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's my hero, that kid. The obstacles he has faced in his life have been challenging but have not kept him from his goals and I think that's what I love about him the most.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">He is a great example to me of doing hard things. </span><br />
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On Sunday evening, my family threw an open house for him so that people who have been a part of his journey could celebrate his accomplishment. This was something I was selfishly looking forward to because I knew I would get to see many people from my childhood years, people who had helped shape me into the person that I am today.<br />
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Throughout the night, there seemed to be a theme among people that hadn't seen me in years and asked me whose baby I was holding.<br />
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<i>"Mine!"</i>, I would reply, before explaining how Leo came to be in our family. And as soon as I would finish, the question was always the same. <i>"How do you do it?" </i><br />
<br />
It's a fair question, although being treated like Super Woman when you often feel like Hot Mess Woman is a little uncomfortable for me.<br />
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But I wanted to address that question in blog form because it's usually pretty hard to articulate when I'm asked face-to-face.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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How do I raise two biological children while also raising the sweetest little baby boy through foster care? How do I work 30+ hours at a pediatric doctors office while my kids are in school and promptly go work another 14+ hours working at the dance studio every week? How do I manage to be in school full time, this semester taking 6 classes total online?<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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I take it one day at a time and my Google calendar is my lifesaver. My ex-husband's wife was actually the one who suggested a Google calendar because I could update it and it would be shared with the two of them. Genius! I now have three calendars on there---a calendar for the kids that is shared with their dad, a calendar for Leo, and my own personal calendar. Everything is color coded and includes every little thing you could imagine, including which days the kids are with which parent and everyone's personal (and crazy) dance schedules.<br />
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My calendar is pulled up on my computer and my phone at all times and I check it multiple times a week to make sure I'm staying on track with everything that we are doing.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I go to therapy. </span><br />
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I remember a few weeks ago when my therapist asked me, <i>"Suzanne, what do you do for self care?"</i>. I couldn't really muster up an answer because I was feeling especially defeated that day. But when I got home, I realized that therapy IS my self care. I know it won't be forever and quite honestly, I find myself not relying on it as much these days but back in January, when I was suffering from PTSD regarding the nine month trial that had happened most of 2017 and I had to imagine what life would be like if there was a huge custody change for my children, I needed her as much as I needed air or water or food. I relied on therapy because my beautiful life---the life where I fought for what was best for my children and ultimately was given what was best for them---just seemed so uneasy most of the time.<br />
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How thankful I am to no longer be in that same place that I was back in January of this year.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I rely on God. </span><br />
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Yes, I should've put this one first because it is definitely at the top of that list. But I don't feel like moving it so you're just going to have to trust that it is the most important one to me.<br />
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I like to say that I rely on God but often times, God just shows up even when I think I can do this without extra prayers or asking for guidance <i>(because I'm kinda stubborn)</i>. God is a huge part of my life and I have a gift of feeling close to Him even when I'm busy and life seems to take precedence. I recognize the many moments where God has led me to where I need to be. In fact, take Leo for example---I know Leo is supposed to be in our family. I knew I was called to foster care without knowing why. Leo is my why. Yaya was my why. God knew He needed me to protect these babies at these specific times, even though my life did not seem to be in the perfect "foster parent" position. But I'd argue that is ANYONE'S life in the perfect position to become a foster parent? It's messy and all the training in the world cannot fully prepare you for the experience that is foster parenting.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I let things go. </span><br />
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I do the things I need to and the things that I want to do and I give myself permission to let other stuff go. When a friend wants to hang out and I literally write back, <i>"Sure! I am available two Thursdays from now."</i>, that is not me being a jerk or not wanting to see my friends. If I can make it happen, I try to. But my kids come first. And my work comes second. And school comes third. The rest of the things may or may not happen.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And that's ok! </span><br />
I have realized this past year that I get to choose what to put in my life and that I don't need to feel guilty about the things that take a backseat to what I believe is most important.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My tribe supports me. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
I wouldn't be able to do this life thing without my family or friends. They willingly take my kids on Saturday mornings while I teach. They listen. And that might be the biggest support. I have a few friends who I talk to almost daily about the ups and downs and everything in between. They listen and offer guidance but often times, they just remind me to look at the bigger picture. Because living in the chaos that we are right now needs to be embraced. I cannot change the fact that I'm single. And I refuse to put my goals and dreams on hold because I'm single. So I'm going to have to embrace the chaos that is my life right now.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>How do I do it? </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes, I don't. </span><br />
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I drop the ball at least once a day. Just this morning, I was SO proud of myself because we got out the door on time! As I drove up to the kids' school, I looked over at my front seat and defeatedly asked the kids, <i>"Did anyone grab Leo's bottles for daycare?"</i>. I already knew the answer before they could reply. I hadn't asked anyone to grab them so why would they have grabbed them?<br />
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Tears began to stream down my face, realizing all of my hard work from the morning wasn't going to do me any good. I was still going to be late for work.<br />
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<b>Defeated </b>was the only word I could think to describe it, really. And this is not just a one time thing. I try to stay on top of everything but it's inevitable that something falls through the cracks.<br />
<br />
Usually, it is that my house is a disaster and the dishes have started to smell. Or that the kids haven't finished their homework and gotten it signed. Or that Leo's gorgeous biracial hair has not been combed. Or that I haven't cooked a meal in over a week. Or that my homework is past due.<br />
<br />
It's always something. There is always some area of my life where I can pinpoint failure. And if I let that eat at me, I am bound to sink into a pit of despair where I wonder HOW I'm EVER going to be successful at this life thing?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Because as you heard, forgetting bottles at home brought me to tears today...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">So how do I do it? </span><br />
<br />
I just do it. I try to stay as organized as possible and I try not to beat myself up when some days just blow up in my face. I try to embrace the days we don't have a long list of things happening and I also try to embrace the days we leave our house at 7:00am and don't get home until 10:00pm (those days really do exist).<br />
<br />
I am not Super Woman. I do not have super powers. All of these things I do, you would probably do if this were your life.<br />
<br />
I am learning to respond with "thank you's" instead of deflecting my accomplishments. Because the truth is, even on the days where I fail at some things, I'm still doing pretty great. There are still a lot of things I'm doing right. So when someone tells me I am doing amazing things, I don't roll my eyes or say, "You should see my house right now.", I am learning to agree and thank them for noticing.<br />
<br />
Because this Hot Mess Woman has got a lot of things going right and those things really should be acknowledged.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-70226530202801356982018-09-06T16:30:00.000-07:002018-09-06T16:30:10.844-07:00The Halfway PointI try really hard to take my New Year goals seriously.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Keyword = try. </span><br />
<br />
I was sitting here and thinking back to January and I realized I couldn't even remember what my word for this year is. <i>So that shows you just how well my goals are going, huh?</i><br />
<br />
Of course, I easily figured it out by looking at January's post. But still---I obviously haven't been focused on it enough if I was able to forget the word altogether!<br />
<br />
The word I had picked was <b>forgiveness</b>. And since it is now September <i>(technically past the halfway point...)</i>, I knew I wanted to assess the goals I had made and re-center myself.<br />
<br />
Because lately, I've been feeling out of whack---like I'm just running from place to place with no sense of purpose.<br />
<br />
I go to therapy and half of the time, my thoughts just ramble because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.<br />
<i>So I guess those videos in elementary school about drugs turning your brain into scrambled eggs didn't contain the <b>full truth</b>. . They should've added that motherhood/divorce/fostering/college/career/ADULTHOOD IN GENERAL could also scramble your brain.</i><br />
<i>Moral of the story? We need to be teaching young children to go live on the beach with ZERO responsibilities so their brains stay healthy forever.</i><br />
<i>Of course, I'm mostly kidding. And although I've never tried to test out the difference, I am sure my brain is less scrambled now than it would be if I were doing cocaine. <b>At least I sure hope so!</b></i><br />
<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, I feel like I'm just here. I'm not really gaining much or losing much. I'm just here. I'm not growing mentally or spiritually. I'm just here.<br />
<br />
Am I working to forgive myself and others? <b>Kind of.</b> Which is better than <b>not at all</b> but not as great as <b>YES</b>!<br />
<br />
I've let go of so much past hurt. I've done a really great job of moving forward. I have forgiven myself for things I never thought I'd be able to move past.<br />
<br />
I have accepted that only hindsight is 20/20. I might hate that but I've accepted it.<br />
<br />
But I feel like this year brought some unexpected changes and I didn't expect to react to them in the way that I have.<br />
<br />
After our court trial, I was worried that my co-parenting relationship would be ruined with Hayley and Andersen's dad. Thankfully, that seems to be the opposite of what happened. I mean, it sure isn't all rainbows and butterflies but I truly thought that our relationship would need so much repair work because the last year was full of so much hurt.<br />
<br />
<b>That's a God thing. </b>God did that for us. Somehow, it has been better and things have run pretty smoothly with only small snags here or there.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But that's pretty typical because it's co-parenting---and it sucks.</span><br />
<br />
Leo came into our lives and I find myself moving between believing he will be here forever and panicking that DCS will call and tell me he is leaving tomorrow.<br />
<i>I'm not ready to open up about Leo's situation and what his future most likely holds yet but just know that I am equal parts mess and at peace. </i><br />
<br />
I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and shouldn't have. Because two seconds before that, I was fine with the way I looked and felt and two seconds after that, I began struggling to love myself and have continued down that path in the weeks since. <b>It. Has. Been. Hard.</b> And that's sad to me because it hasn't impacted me that significantly in a long time.<br />
<i>As a disclaimer or FYI to that paragraph, I am still currently doing great and am fully still in eating disorder recovery. Just in case you're my mom and you were worried</i>.<br />
<br />
On any given day, I can go from wondering how I'm even managing to stay afloat to feeling like I am Super Woman in about 10 seconds flat.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I am not drowning but half the time, I feel like letting myself. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I am not going to give up but half the time, I feel like that'd be easier. </span><br />
<br />
So as far as my goals for the year, I am really trying to push through and remember that FORGIVENESS word. I've sincerely thrown all of my other yearly goals out the window because I just want my main focus to be on digging into my past and realizing that it doesn't have to determine my future.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I still have faith that it's possible, mainly because I have seen it work in my own life. </span><br />
<br />
And so this is my halfway point (even though we are 3/4 of the way through the year) where I recommit to myself that I am going to continue focusing on forgiveness and moving forward with my life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Thank you for coming and goodnight. </span>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-83128568963580254232018-08-25T17:17:00.000-07:002018-08-25T17:17:33.297-07:00F I V E <b><span style="font-size: large;">FIVE. </span></b><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That number sounds so large. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I distinctly remember Hayley turning FIVE and wondering how I was gearing up to have a Kindergartner in just a few short months. How was she old enough for that? How was I old enough for that? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>She is now in the FIFTH grade. </i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And here I am, kind of kicking ass and kind of failing at this single mom thing. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">FIVE. </span></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My WHAM basketball jersey number all of the years I played basketball as a child, thanks to my ASU basketball idols, Eddie House and Ike Diogu. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">FIVE. </span></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The number of children I planned on having. <i>Before the days where I realized you can't necessarily plan those things. </i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">FIVE. </span></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The number of years it has been since my husband left me---my d-day, if you will.<br />
<br />
In that time, Hayley has <b>doubled </b>in age and Andersen is close to <b>tripling</b> his age. They were 5 and 3 when their dad left.<br />
<br />
And today, that feels a bit crippling to me. It feels like, in some way, I have failed them by allowing them to grow up for the majority of their childhoods without a father figure living in our same home.<br />
<br />
I know that isn't true. I know that I've done everything BUT fail them these past five years. I know they will someday recognize how much work I've put into keeping their lives as normal as possible.<br />
<br />
Today is a day that I don't mind sinking a little lower than normal. It is a day I allow myself to feel the negativity.<br />
<br />
Because five years ago today, in the early morning, I kissed my husband goodbye and sent him off to work, not knowing that that would be the last time he would tell me he loved me and have me believe it.<br />
<br />
Five years ago, I spoke pretty directly with my Heavenly Father, as He told me to recognize how beautiful my life was---not knowing that He was preparing me for an utterly devastating heartbreak hours later.<br />
<br />
And then five years ago, I heard the words, <b><i>"I don't love you anymore."</i></b> over the phone and I knew it was already over. I knew, deep down, that he was never coming back. I knew I needed to prepare to become a single mother.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I just knew.</span><br />
<br />
The words <i>"I think we need a separation" </i>were no different than if he had said, <i>"I filed for divorce"</i> because my gut told me he wasn't coming home.<br />
<br />
It's been five years since my world completely shifted. And when it did, I became a completely new person.<br />
<br />
If you were to ask me now whether I'd choose to go back and do things differently, I'd tell you no. I wouldn't. Because I know that my marriage was supposed to happen. <b>And I know that my divorce does not negate how right my marriage was. </b><br />
<br />
In turn, I don't know if I feel right about saying that my divorce was part of the plan---I don't know if it was---but I do know that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me post-divorce.<br />
<br />
I know that plan includes continuing my education and devoting the majority of my time to my children. I know that plan includes so many deep friendships and taking in children who may live in my home for a month or may be here forever. I know that plan includes happiness and sadness and anxiety and more knowledge than I ever could've asked for.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The thing is, my divorce taught me a lot of stuff. </span><br />
<br />
Some of it bad---<i>people really CAN leave deep scars by making crappy decisions</i>.<br />
<br />
Some of it good---<i>you really CAN do anything you set your mind to</i>.<br />
<br />
In the past five years, I've wondered what life would look like now if I were still married and sadly, I can't see the same happiness I currently have. I can't picture a life with Leo in it or Hayley dancing like she does or Andersen getting the help he needs in school.<br />
<br />
My divorce pushed me to do hard things that were the right thing. In fact, it still pushes me.<br />
<br />
I am more patient and empathetic with the people around me and have become much more sensitive. I am not afraid to speak up about things that are wrong including pornography or abuse or being honest with the people you love. I am also not afraid to talk about my own struggles that include an eating disorder and anxiety.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I live a pretty authentic life. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Or at least I try to. </span><br />
<br />
I try to give my anxiety it's place because heaven knows it ain't going anywhere! So I may as well embrace that it is a part of me. And my OCD and ADHD? Might as well give them their space here as well because why not?!!<br />
<br />
Five years ago, I was living a very unhealthy life as I obsessed over my food intake and exercising. I gave my ex-husband's decision control over me because if he left me, <i>chances were it had something to do with my imperfect body. </i><br />
<br />
And in those darkest moments of my eating disorder, I learned so much about myself as I begged for Heavenly Father to just loosen the grips my addiction had over me. I learned that I want to live a life I love, not a life the world tells me I need to be living.<br />
<br />
I will probably never be a size 4 again. I am more overweight now than I was five years ago. And although sometimes that is still hard, the majority of my days are spent realizing how beautiful and amazing I am <b>AS IS</b>. Not beautiful IF I lost 50 pounds. Not beautiful IF I had less pimples or if my eyelashes were just a tad fuller. Not beautiful IF I could figure out a way to get rid of the stretch marks and the larger stomach that have accompanied my two pregnancies.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Beautiful. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Amazing. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>As is. </b></span><br />
<br />
I wouldn't change the events that transpired five years ago, even if I could. Because I never would've become who I am without those hardest moments. I never would've taken as many leaps of faith.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I never would've learned just how brave and resilient I can be. </span><br />
<br />
The events from five years ago have not only shaped me but have helped me as I've walked through other dark times in my life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I really CAN do hard things.</span> <span style="font-size: large;">I really, truly can.</span><br />
<br />
The moments of despair and trauma I experienced five years ago have left lasting effects that I still deal with today. I am afraid of loss most of the time.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter how amazing things seem to be going. I can convince myself that I am about to get fired from a job where I know I'm appreciated just because my brain sends broken warning signals that tell me I'm supposed to fear the world.<br />
<br />
BUT---I don't let that stop me. I still do the things, despite knowing there is a potential for heartache involved.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I no longer put my life on hold just because I am afraid of new experiences. </span><br />
<br />
I still get scared---and then I face my fears by allowing new experiences anyway.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Five years. </span><br />
<br />
Wow. It feels somewhat painful that it has been a whole five years and yet, in so many ways, I am beaming that we are five years out. Because trust me, I'd rather be here than where I was on this day five years ago.<br />
<br />
I am continuously healing and growing from those awful events that happened five years ago and all I can really say today is that I am extremely grateful to be living the life I am currently living.<br />
<br />
Because---Hayley.<br />
Because---Andersen.<br />
Because---Leo.<br />
And because I like this new authentic life way more than I ever could've imagined. </div>
Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-56736376006602766122018-08-01T15:00:00.000-07:002018-08-01T15:00:12.555-07:00I Won A Contest From the writing contest I entered for Mother's Day: <br />
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Hi. </div>
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My name is Suzanne and although I am many things, <b>warrior</b> is certainly at the top of that list. </div>
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I was a fairytale lover --- boy-obsessed from 1<sup>st</sup> grade until I graduated from high school. Fairytales taught me that I needed a man to take care of me and I believed from a young age that if I was loved by a man, I would have infinite worth.</div>
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I was married at the age of 19. And as we all do, I planned to spend the rest of my life building a future with my husband. I didn't expect it to be perfect but I expected it to always be <i><b>our</b></i> mess --- not his mess and my mess.</div>
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The thing is, my husband truly did love me. That part was not a lie. He was great at loving me when he wanted to. But he loved me conditionally. He loved me for certain parts of who I was and began to tear down the parts of me he didn’t like. <span style="font-size: 11pt;">I became a pawn in our marriage and learned that I was not the most important thing to him. But why? I couldn’t figure out what was more important. I just knew things had shifted. He hardly ever wanted to be intimate with me and would stay up all night playing video games, claiming he had insomnia. I got used to marriage feeling mostly one-sided and found myself justifying the way he was treating me --- because </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">at least</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> he wasn’t physically abusing me. But I still wondered if the shift in our marriage was my fault.</span></div>
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I had given this man two beautiful children --- <i>was it my body? Was I not sexy enough anymore?</i></div>
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For a girl who claimed to be strong and independent, I am surprised when I look back and realize how much I lost myself in my marriage. Then again, for a girl who claimed to be strong and independent,<b> I had held the belief that my worth was dependent on a man for as long as I can remember.</b></div>
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Five years into my marriage, I was arguing with my husband one day when he told me he no longer believed in God and would not be attending church with us any longer. This shook me but I held my ground and poured myself into being a better wife and mother. I could fix this. I could mend this part of our world that felt bruised and broken. I felt our marriage falling apart but I wasn’t going to let it. I needed him and I felt he needed me too.</div>
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I found myself drowning while trying to save him. Often times, he came home from work angry and unresponsive and he would lock himself in our room or go outside to clean his guns or work on the car he was fixing up. The emotional abuse was weighing me down and I started to have panic attacks about seemingly normal things like what brand of food to buy. My husband would point my anxiety out and remind me how unstable I was and how I needed to continue therapy because I was causing hardships in our marriage. </div>
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<b>I thought it was me. </b>I thought I was the reason things were falling apart. And so I tried to fix myself and allow him space by taking care of the kids with essentially no help. I didn't want to bother him. I didn't want to make things worse. I was sensitive to the fact that I was diagnosed with "mental health issues" and that it was ruining my marriage. </div>
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And in the midst of me trying so hard to fix us, he abandoned our family in August of 2013, after seven years of marriage. Our children were only 5 and 4 years old and did not understand what was happening, so on top of being abandoned by my husband, I was left to tell my kids about the divorce by myself and deal with their heartache. And in turn, they knew I was their safe space and so they directed all of their anger toward me for months while begging me to bring their daddy back home. </div>
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Throughout the 6 month process of separation and divorce, I found out that my husband was not the man he had claimed to be. I started to realize that I was not the only one struggling. He was addicted to pornography, among other things. I tried so hard to stay afloat throughout this time but I began to drown in the form of an eating disorder and severe anxiety. </div>
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I felt so worthless. So used. So unloved. </div>
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The trauma I experienced while learning about that betrayal is something I'm still healing from.</div>
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But I don't point that out to tell you how awful he is. Because the thing is, <b>my ex-husband is not a monster. </b>We don’t always get along and he certainly makes some poor choices when it comes to his treatment of myself and our children but he isn’t a monster. He is an addict that struggles with knowing how to treat the people he loves most. He pushes us away in fear of us rejecting him. Does that lessen my pain? No. But it helps me to understand that <b>I was not the problem. </b>I could not have been prettier, smarter, or more subservient. This battle wasn’t mine to win or lose. It was, and is, his battle to fight and he chose to fight it without me by his side.</div>
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I’ve endured a lot since my divorce 4 ½ years ago. I figured that the longer we were divorced, the easier things would get. And I guess, in some ways, that is true. But I still find that divorce affects myself and our children on a daily basis. I have endured some pretty awful fights, DCS reports, a difficult court trial, among the daily struggles that come when trying to co-parent with a person who has a hard time with communication. I struggle to help my children as they both deal with the trauma this has caused in their lives, resulting in general anxiety and separation anxiety. </div>
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I was forced to find myself when my husband abandoned me. That event, although extremely traumatic for me, has shaped me into a person that I very much like. I did not curl up in a corner and die --- I fought for myself and my children. I graduated from Arizona State University with a bachelor’s degree last summer. I am working two jobs to provide for my children. I got certified as a foster parent and was the mother of a sweet and sassy toddler for five months last year and last week, I was asked to take in a two-day-old baby boy and have been killin’ it in the motherhood department. My children are healthy and loved.</div>
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I still struggle with loneliness, especially when my kids go to their dad’s house but I know that my worth is not dependent on others. I will still live a beautiful life, even if I never remarry. I will continue to persevere when life slaps me in the face because I know for a fact that <b>I can do hard things</b>.</div>
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As the 5th anniversary of that traumatic August day creeps up on me, I wanted to share this letter I wrote a few months ago. I ended up winning that contest and was gifted a beautiful piece of jewelry that I wear often to remind myself how brave I am.<br />
<br />
It's amazing to me how telling my story is healing, each and every time. This definitely doesn't contain it all and there are parts that will always be too personal but I am grateful that I can look back and remember the bad parts AND the good parts.<br />
<br />
You guys, there was so much good. For years, the bad seemed to negate the good but I'm learning to validate those good times too.<br />
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They were real. They are real. <br />
<br />
It is still a rollercoaster. I think it always will be. But this is the hand I was dealt. This is a huge part of my journey. And telling my story is not to relive the past and open old wounds---it is a reminder of where I've been and where I am now.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am grateful for the pain that has dissipated as the years have passed. </span><br />
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And I am so incredibly grateful for the life I am currently living.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-85996056250981887852018-06-29T15:30:00.000-07:002018-06-29T15:30:04.000-07:00Divorce Failed UsWe were lucky in terms of a divorced family.<br />
<br />
Most of our co-parenting issues seem to pale in comparison to other stories I've heard.<br />
<br />
When we divorced, there weren't lawyers involved. <b>Just us.</b><br />
<br />
For the first year after divorce, I was trying to figure out boundaries because I just wanted the kids' lives to feel as normal as possible. So their dad came over for movie nights and we went hiking as a family and I held it together for the sake of our kids.<br />
<br />
It wasn't easy for me. Because I was still betrayed and angry and I tried so hard to show him how well I was coping even though I was NOT coping well at all.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But at least the logistics were pretty easy---even if the emotions were brutal.</span><br />
<br />
After a while, we got used to our groove but it still left lasting scars. Because every once in a while, the kids would call and beg to come home and I would stay strong for them until the phone hung up before sobbing into my pillow. The contrast of going from a full time stay-at-home mom to having times where a court document told me when I was and wasn't allowed to see them was awful.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Awful.</span><br />
<br />
The Mama Bear in me just wanted to keep them in my arms at all times to protect them from the pain this was causing.<br />
<br />
And when their dad remarried last summer, I was slapped in the face with the <b><i>"life's not fair"</i></b> motto. Because not only did it hurt me personally, it came attached with court papers for a change in the custody that was <i>already</i> painful for us.<br />
<br />
So when I walked into that court room on January 4th, 2018, our future now in the hands of a judge who did not know us personally, I knew he could change everything and that it had the potential to negatively impact our family.<br />
<br />
I knew I would have to be brave to show him whatever bits and pieces of our lives he was going to grasp before making the decision of where our kids would live.<br />
<br />
And I think that's why the resounding anxiety has continued, even if it's quieter than it was January through April.<br />
<br />
Because I've learned from that experience that so much of my life is out of my control. I don't just get to keep my kids when they're begging to stay. I can fight <b><i>{and fight, I will}</i></b> for what's best for them but in the end, a man who does not know our family and our situation is the one deciding how we live our lives.<br />
<br />
Let's put this into perspective a little bit---your child has anxiety and is begging to sleep in his own bed, even though he was invited to a fun sleepover. Not only that, the sleepover is at his very best friend's house whom he loves being around. But he still doesn't want to leave you because you are his safe person. He would love to have a late night but he wants you to come back and get him later because the longer he is away from you, the more nervous he gets.<br />
<br />
You're probably not going to force him to go, right? Because you want to protect your boy when he is feeling uneasy in a situation. Your mama bear instincts are to keep him close if he's begging to stay close.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">That's where divorce has failed us. </span><br />
<br />
My children love their father very much but until this past year, he wasn't as involved and they were used to sleeping in my home (their home) approximately 26 days each month. They were used to the consistency I've worked so hard to give them.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But then our lives were put in the hands of a judge. </span><br />
<br />
And <i>all things considered</i>, that judge did an incredible job. He actually kept most of it the same.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But divorce still failed us in the end. </span><br />
<br />
Because my children were considered too young to be given choices. Their voices weren't given the chance to be heard. And they are continually shown that their voices won't be heard. Because---court documents trump their voices.<br />
<br />
On Wednesday, a few weeks ago, as I sat on the phone with my little boy, he begged me to just drive over and tuck him into bed or come pick him up. I told him I wished I could. And as he got more choked up, he said, <i>"I know, Mama.". </i><br />
<br />
The thing is, he knows I'd be there for him if I could. But divorce makes it so that his very own mother is not allowed to give him a hug just because he is requesting one from her. Because there is a brick wall of court papers that divides us when it isn't "my time".<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">That is where divorce fails us most.</span><br />
<br />
What was obviously necessary for two parents splitting up takes it's toll on any children involved. Divorce divides what once was a unit.<br />
<br />
And even though that is common sense knowledge, until you live it, you cannot know how hard it feels to divide what once was a family.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This part of divorce is harder for me to voice my feelings about because</span><br />
1 --- My kids love their dad and he loves them. Their pain of being away from me has nothing to do with hating their dad.<br />
2 --- We have worked so hard to build a beautiful life from the ashes of divorce and I believe we are doing that pretty well.<br />
<br />
So when I tell you divorce has failed us, I don't say that to tell you our lives are ruined forever. They aren't.<br />
Instead, I voice those feelings to tell you how difficult it is to co-parent and have pieces of paper that tell you you're not allowed to see your babies.<br />
<br />
Because when I held my precious newborns, I never imagined I would only raise them 75% of the time and not 100% of the time.<br />
<br />
And they never imagined it either.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-71340645133689948292018-04-27T14:40:00.000-07:002018-05-08T11:24:13.209-07:00Leo<span style="font-size: large;"><b>It was Easter Sunday 2018. </b></span><br />
<br />
The kids were with their dad and my brother had slept over at my house to watch General Conference with me that morning.<br />
<br />
I was recovering from a stomach bug from the day before and my neck and upper back were painfully sore.<br />
<br />
Hayley kept texting me throughout the day because she wanted to pull a prank on her dad---it was April 1st and she was sad not to be with me because <i>"Mom pulls the best pranks"</i>. <span style="font-size: x-small;">#winning</span><br />
<br />
I practically ruined the deviled eggs I made for Sunday dinner but my mom helped me salvage them when we got to her house.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Dinner was delicious and I was looking forward to the Easter desserts. </span><br />
<br />
And then, after dinner, my phone rang. <b>"No Caller ID"</b>. And I have learned in the past year to <i>ALWAYS</i> answer those calls because 99% of the time, they are coming from DCS. I didn't think much of it because for the weeks leading up to that day, I had been called a few times on weekends, asking if I could take in sibling sets.<br />
<br />
And I know I take on a lot of things that seem like too much for how busy we are but I also know my limits---and each time they called about a sibling set of 2-3 kids, my heart ached as I said I couldn't do it.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I figured this would be no different. </span><br />
<br />
So I answered the phone. <i>"Hello, this is the DCS placement center. I have it listed that you would prefer a foster child under 12 months. I have a <b>2-day-old baby</b> needing placement." </i><br />
<br />
I wanted to scream YES at her but I knew I needed to make sure I had everything set up so I asked if I could call her right back. <i>"Sure. Just make sure it's in the next 10 minutes or I need to find another placement." </i><br />
<br />
So I called my people. I set up childcare. I prayed and felt so much peace. <b>I knew he was supposed to come to our home.</b><br />
<br />
I called DCS back and asked her when they needed to drop him off. She advised I get home soon because she knew they were coming from the hospital but she didn't know how long it would take.<br />
<br />
<br />
Twenty minutes later, I was staring at a precious newborn that I had only just met---and yet, I felt like I already knew him.<br />
<br />
It's been 4 weeks since that day and Leo [<i>the name we gave him</i>] is the perfect baby. In fact, my friend who babysits him makes fun of me because of the amount of times a day I call him perfect.<br />
<br />
Leo came to our home at a time when my anxiety was still high. In fact, when I made the decision to put myself back on the 'open bed' list, I was torn because I wanted to be 1,000% ready but I also kept getting a prompting that it was time.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It was time.</span><br />
<br />
Leo is 4 weeks old now. I really don't know how it's already been weeks. At the same time, being his momma has felt so natural and easy.<br />
<br />
The kids are obsessed with him. In fact, when I set up babysitters for Leo while I teach dance on Saturday mornings, Andersen was <i><b>SO </b></i>offended that I would not just let <b>HIM</b> take care of the newborn baby.<br />
<br />
Hayley wasn't too keen on the idea of another boy in the house but as soon as she saw Leo, she was head over heels as well.<br />
<br />
And me? I'm in love all over again. I. Am. Attached. And I know that will make it hard when we say goodbye but it is worth it. Leo deserves to have unconditional love. He deserves to have a bonded relationship with our family. He deserves to spend his first months of life in a safe environment where he can learn and grow with a family of support.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And we are that family. </span><br />
<br />
We will give Leo everything he needs and we will love him for however long we can.<br />
<br />
Foster care really is such an oddly beautiful thing. My eyes have been opened to how much brokenness exists in our world---but they've also seen the beautiful masterpiece that is capable of being created with those broken pieces.<br />
<br />
Going back to the anxiety I had been experiencing since our court trial in January, the night Leo was brought to my home was the first of many anxiety-free days. I can't quite explain how having him makes me feel but <b>it just feels right.</b><br />
<br />
I went the first 3 weeks without experiencing ANY anxiety. This 4th week hasn't been as carefree but it has nothing to do with him. And in comparison to how I used to feel, this change has been miraculous.<br />
<br />
I am more exhausted than I think I've ever been in my whole life. Waking up with a newborn all night and then working two jobs and doing online school during the day is completely psychotic. But I am happier than I've been in a long time.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Leo needed our safe home but we needed his beautiful soul. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And that makes the future heartache all worth it. </span>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-61714430011367104822018-03-25T20:22:00.002-07:002018-03-25T20:22:21.658-07:00I Am Not UnbreakableWhen I was fourteen, I went to a church camp called Especially For Youth. It was one of the best weeks of my entire teenage life and I owe that mainly to one person in particular.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Her name was Jalene and she was my camp counselor.</span><br />
<br />
Jalene was one of those people who could make you feel special no matter what. And being a needy, awkward teenager, I gravitated to her from day one. I'm sure it was annoying to her but she never made me feel that way.<br />
<br />
<br />
About halfway through that week at church camp, she shared a scripture with us during one of our devotionals and that scripture quickly became my favorite; partly because it really did speak to me and partly because it came from my new idol.<br />
<br />
**********<br />
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<span class="passage-display-bcv" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; font-size: 18px; margin: 0px; padding-right: 6px;">1 Corinthians 10:13</span></h1>
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<span style="font-weight: 500;">There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, </span>who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able<span style="font-weight: 500;">; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.</span></h1>
**********<br />
<br />
To this day, whenever that scripture is referred to, I am transported back to being an awkward teenager who felt unloved and unimportant and I am reminded of what that scripture did for my soul.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It gave me hope. </span><br />
<br />
It gave me hope because I was a teenager who hated my body and wondered if my life really had meaning. I was angry that my life felt hard and I compared the lives of my friends and wondered why I was feeling so devastated about the life God had picked for me.<br />
<br />
I figured this scripture was God's way of saying,<i> "I've pushed you to your breaking point and your future does not hold difficult trials." </i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">it'skindafunnytomenow</span></i><br />
<br />
Because <i>surely</i>, a God who wouldn't give me more than I could handle would <i><b>never</b></i> let me struggle with a miscarriage or infertility or divorce or addiction or betrayal. All of those things would be <i><b>too</b></i> much and God would know it.<br />
<br />
I didn't have enough faith in myself that I would be strong enough to handle <i>anything</i> harder than my teenage break-ups and constant fights with my family and eating disorder battle. And based on that reasoning, I assumed I would escape those "big" trials that I had watched other people enduring.<br />
<br />
Because the way that I interpreted that scripture was pretty black and white. <i>"I can't handle that so He won't allow me to go through that."</i> <b>Simple</b>.<br />
<br />
<br />
In the midst of divorce, I remember revisiting that scripture and hating everything about it. It was now a liar. I was a single mom and I was broken. Completely broken.<br />
<br />
How could I have been so stupid? God couldn't make someone choose to stay married to me. I was so angry at myself for having false hope in that scripture.<br />
<br />
And while trying to put my pieces back together from divorce, I experienced another traumatic event that hurt my children and myself. And although I thought I couldn't break any more, I did. Pieces of my heart that I had put back together shattered to an even greater degree.<br />
<br />
Somewhere in the middle of this, I stopped trusting God. I didn't lose faith in His existence---I just stopped believing what I had trusted in that scripture. And in the midst of the darkest times, my only thoughts sounded like this: <i>WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?! I thought God wouldn't let me break! </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But God did <b>NOT</b> stop me from breaking. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And I shouldn't have expected Him to. </span><br />
<br />
When I read that scripture at age 14, I interpreted it to fit my anxious mind. <i>If God wouldn't tempt me above what I was able to endure, He would know I'm definitely not strong enough to endure "x, y, and z"</i>.<br />
<br />
But there was a key piece of that scripture that I was looking past. The very last part of that scripture states <i><b>"that ye may be able to bear it"</b></i>. And if the scripture ends with that phrase, doesn't that mean none of us are actually exempt from pain and suffering in this life? Why would God tell us we would be able to bear hard things if He was going to shield us from all of the hard things?<br />
<br />
So it finally clicked. And I didn't really like that it clicked. Because that meant I <i>wasn't</i> exempt and that I had no right to be angry at God and that I was, in fact, capable of breaking.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">God <b><i>would </i></b>let me break. </span><br />
<br />
But as promised, He would provide a way for me to put my shattered pieces back together. He would help me escape the very depths of Hell if I would reach my hand out and hold onto His.<br />
<br />
And as I put those pieces back together, differently each time, He shows me where certain pieces belong in my ever-growing soul. He heals me, not by erasing the pain but by strengthening the shattered pieces so that in the end, I am a better person.<br />
<br />
When God promises us that we are stronger than our temptations, He is quick to add that <b>WITH HIM</b> we can handle them.<br />
<br />
It isn't that God won't let us break. It isn't that we will never experience temptations that we <i>fully</i> believe are out of our control.<br />
The truth is that God meets us in those dark alleys and says, <i><b>"Follow me"</b></i>, and when we do, we realize we can bear ANYTHING with Him by our side.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I no longer believe I am exempt from trials just because I may not be able to handle them. </span><br />
<br />
Instead, I try my best to trust in God so that when I break, I can allow Him to help me put myself back together again.<br />
<br />
It doesn't always happen easily. There is still some small part of me that feels anger toward God when I'm faced with something difficult. And ironically, that is because I have faith that He can heal me. It isn't because I doubt Him. It is because I'm over here having panic attacks and thinking, <i>"I know You have the power to heal me so why is this still happening?"</i><br />
<br />
Although it seems like a negative thing, to talk about how I am NOT unbreakable, it helps me. Knowing that I can break reminds me that it is ok to feel the way I need to feel and grieve the way I need to grieve. It reminds me that this type of break isn't permanent but that my timeline doesn't have to be rushed.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It's ok to break. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Everyone does. </span><br />
<br />
And everyone has the capability of putting those pieces back together, to create a whole new masterpiece.<br />
<br />
<b>I love my breakable life</b>. <i>I hate anxiety</i> <b>but I love my life</b>.<br />
<br />
And I think what I love the most is that it's <b><i>possible</i></b> to love life, even when the sun is hiding behind the dark clouds and the rain seems never-ending.<br />
<br />
In the middle of this struggle where my anxiety is <i>almost always</i> overactive in my brain, I still have some of the most beautiful days and I'm still capable of making really amazing and brave choices.<br />
<br />
Anxiety doesn't ruin my life. <span style="font-size: large;">It can't</span>---<b>because I won't let it.</b><br />
<br />
This week has been full of choices that have left me in awe of my own strength. I got to start observing at my old high school on Thursday.<br />
On Friday, I got to teach my very first 15-minute lesson <i>(planned all by myself)</i> to a classroom of 10th graders and I wasn't even a little bit anxious. It went really well and I found myself excited, knowing that I will soon have that as my every day career.<br />
On top of that, I am one month into my teaching certificate and decided to take FIVE classes---all of which I currently have 100% in.<br />
My house is NOT a disaster and I've already done all laundry from our vacation last week.<br />
Anxiety hits my eating habits hard but I've chosen healthier options multiple times in the past two weeks <i>(sounds like baby steps, feels like giant steps)</i>.<br />
I've gotten multiple calls <i>(no placements yet)</i> for foster care and I'm just chillin' over here like, <b><i>"Bring. It. On."</i></b> Because if I didn't think it was the right thing to do in the midst of all this crazy, I wouldn't be doing it.<br />
<br />
I love the life I'm living. It gets lonely, sure. But it's pretty darn great.<br />
<br />
And I am grateful that God allows me to break so that I recognize just how strong I am with Him by my side.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-72404432523877995962018-03-18T22:35:00.000-07:002018-03-18T22:35:01.248-07:00Our Invisible Scars: Mindy's Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5iZLQmHJossDT0b3OM6nI2QpNx4ibI42Zw12gM_HVhnhxPAbXMZMOTpNeL-N-ZUobSUyMhCFQAK8G-CdSbEUDOG6ymSqs9-1jPbGhURrmGL9rcs-hR0fCz_KpX_jr_zdnhyphenhyphenEexJHRvlVt/s1600/invisible+scars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5iZLQmHJossDT0b3OM6nI2QpNx4ibI42Zw12gM_HVhnhxPAbXMZMOTpNeL-N-ZUobSUyMhCFQAK8G-CdSbEUDOG6ymSqs9-1jPbGhURrmGL9rcs-hR0fCz_KpX_jr_zdnhyphenhyphenEexJHRvlVt/s640/invisible+scars.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
I once wrote a piece on my old blog about invisible scars and the validity of fighting battles that no one else can see.<br />
<br />
And at the time, I was battling my eating disorder and referring to the emotional scars from my divorce.<br />
<br />
Since then, I've been trying to figure out this new me, this person who has invisible scars that don't really make sense to anyone else. I've tried loving this anxious, paranoid person that I've become because she is still me and often times, she is the most prominent part of me.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And it's been hard. </span><br />
<br />
Loving this part of me is not easy <b><i>at all. </i></b><br />
I get really impatient with my anxiety and I often feel stupid for feeling the way that I do. It takes a lot for me to be able to step back and validate my anxious feelings instead of dismissing them or shaming them.<br />
<br />
Because in reality, there is usually <b><i>a reason</i></b> I can come back to that validates the way that I'm feeling.<br />
<br />
For example, I have pretty irrational anxiety when it comes to losing people I love. And sometimes I'm really impatient with myself about this. Because spending time worrying about whether my kids are safe at school or whether someone I love will leave me does not actually stop bad things from happening.<br />
And sometimes it's hard for me to validate the fact that my husband left me because I don't want to <i>'just be the victim'</i> but in reality, those choices have left some pretty intense scars on my heart.<br />
<b>So it makes sense why I struggle with separation anxiety.</b><br />
<br />
Living with these things has really caused a lot of speculation about life and what the people around me are going through.<br />
<br />
When I 'people watch', I wonder what has made that particular person who they are. I wonder what they've been through and how they're doing right now.<br />
I imagine their invisible scars---the really tough things that they've lived through---and I wonder if they still feel those scars or if they have been able to move past the most heart-wrenching parts of their lives.<br />
<br />
I wonder who has anxiety, who is depressed, and who is feeling self-conscious that day. I wonder how many of their stories involved thoughts of suicide or other self-hate/self-harm.<br />
<br />
And although it isn't any of my business what their deeply personal stories are, I do this to remember that everyone has fought battles and everyone has reasons for why they are passionate about certain things or why they are in a negative mood or why they seem so tired today.<br />
<br />
<b>I don't believe people are just mean or angry because they thought that'd be a fun mood to try out for the day.</b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I believe there are reasons. </span><br />
In fact, I've been hurt on more than one occasion by people who had promised to love me and although my pain was and is real, they had reasons. There is more to the story than just a, <i>"He left me because he's a jerk and now we're divorced."</i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">People have stories and reasons for their choices. </span><br />
<br />
And whether their choices are right or wrong, I believe that most people, in the situations they have found themselves in, have tried to do the best they can with what they know.<br />
<br />
I don't think it is our job to condemn others for all the ways they are failing.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I believe it is our job to build them up when the world tries to depict them as a failure. </span><br />
<br />
Sure, we need a judicial system and boundaries and protection. But that is not the level I'm picturing right now.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm talking about our coworkers, our friends---even our family members. </span><br />
<br />
Isn't it so easy to find the flaws in other people? When they mess up at work or they didn't put away their dishes or they bowed out on a girls night---our first thought is often annoyance and we often sneak some judgement in there too.<br />
<br />
But sometimes, the people we love are fighting invisible battles too and when we point out their mistakes, all it does is show them that their heart is not safe with us. And so maybe they stay quiet when they would've spoken up.<br />
<br />
Last year, I had to do a project in one of my classes that involved interviewing a woman who either worked in the healthcare industry or had a diagnosis that caused them to need a higher number of doctor appointments.<br />
<br />
I chose to use my friend, Mindy, who has Multiple Sclerosis.<br />
<br />
Mindy was one of my closest friends in high school. She always understood me and had my back, when I often believed that the world had turned against me. She almost always had a huge smile on her face and I have never seen her treat another person unkindly.<br />
<br />
In high school, Mindy had some health problems but nothing major. She just seemed to get sick easier than most kids do and I remember her complaining of headaches and other pains sometimes. The thing is, this was my perspective---<i>things I actually remember from high school</i>---which means, it was probably much worse than what I had heard or witnessed.<br />
<br />
Mindy is now married with two young children. And a few years ago, she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after a portion of her body went numb and she <i><b>pushed</b></i> doctors to do further testing. And since that diagnosis, I have seen a completely different side of my friend.<br />
<br />
I have seen someone who is brave enough to talk about their bad days so that other people know they are not alone. I have seen a mother do everything she is able to for her children while also showing that needing help is<i><b> not</b></i> a sign of weakness. I have seen her <i>{still}</i> smiling in pictures more often than not. And I have learned more awareness for those struggling with MS.<br />
<br />
Mindy has invisible scars. Her body doesn't always work the way she wants it to. It doesn't take more will power or trying harder or praying more.<br />
<br />
And when I think about Mindy's situation, about the pain she is probably in each time I see her <i>(although her face shows a huge smile)</i>, I try and remind myself that there are so many people I interact with whose stories I do not know.<br />
<br />
So while I've asked for your patience personally in the past, I'm asking for your patience with everyone else in your life.<br />
<br />
Because stating I have anxiety out loud might bring about <i>some</i> awareness but I can't change the way you view or treat other people. And I think if you knew their stories, you'd probably react differently toward them.<br />
<br />
<br />
**********************<br />
<br />
If you'd like to read the essay portion of my project to learn a little more about MS and Mindy's struggles, keep on reading!<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Mindy Hermann is a 29-year-old female, married to her
husband, Mike, and mother to her two young children. She was diagnosed with
Multiple Sclerosis in June of 2017 at the age of 27. Mindy had gone to the
hospital with right eye pain and had been diagnosed with inflammation in her
optic nerve. At this time, she was referred to an ophthalmologist, who she was
able to see the very next morning. This ophthalmologist confirmed she had optic
neuritis and got her in to see a neurologist that afternoon. The neurologist she
saw was not familiar with pain when it comes to Multiple Sclerosis and ordered
an MRI but Mindy’s insurance did not cover this procedure so she did without
it. Exactly one month after this experience, Mindy began to go numb from her
rib to her knee on the left side of her body. Days later, she found herself
back in the emergency room, this time begging for them to give her an MRI
because she suspected it was Multiple Sclerosis. Doctors gave her the MRI and
her diagnosis was confirmed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Mindy’s struggles are far from over and as she
described in her interview, the symptoms of her Multiple Sclerosis have
escalated throughout the past two years. Currently, Mindy deals with trigeminal
neuralgia, foot drop, Multiple Sclerosis hugs, and optic neuritis. She has been
numb from her chest to her toes since the month she was diagnosed, back in June
of 2015. She also states that her struggles include depression and anxiety, two
effects that coincide with an article I read while preparing for this essay,
entitled Depressive and Anxiety Symptomatology amongst Multiple Sclerosis Young
Women: The Occupational Therapy’s Perspective. This study, which was done in
Greece at the Association of Multiple Sclerosis, found that 25% of the women
experienced depressive symptoms and that 14%-41% were experiencing anxiety
symptoms.</span> (<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ioanna, Margarita &
George 2015) Living with Multiple Sclerosis is especially difficult on Mindy,
as she is raising her 2-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter. Mindy stays home
with her children and often feels guilty because she cannot do some of the
seemingly normal things like taking her children to the park or walking them
around at the local zoo. Because of these struggles, Mindy is extremely lucky
to have a pretty strong support group. Her husband, Mike, and her mother are
her biggest supporters and help her with the things she needs. When she gets
transfusions, her mother has sat with her for hours and played games with her.
Aside from the people who can physically be there for her, Mindy has also found
support in an online Multiple Sclerosis community and feels comfortable asking
them questions and being able to vent when she is having her low days. Mindy
also talks about the support her friends have been. Although it might seem like
a small way to support someone, Mindy has said that when she posts articles on
social media and finds out her friends have read and/or shared them, she feels
a deep sense of support from them and appreciates that the people in her life
are trying to be more aware of the effects of Multiple Sclerosis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> The obstacles that Mindy has faced
in the past two years have been very difficult for her. This started with her
first doctor who did not want to do an MRI. Mindy had to push to get an MRI at
the hospital because she knew this was serious and wanted to get answers. This
same neurologist had put her on 50mg of steroids before leaving town for two
weeks, leaving Mindy to continue the steroids for a month. This was not good
for Mindy’s health and when the neurologist returned from vacation and she was
able to see him again, he let her know he does not treat patients with Multiple
Sclerosis. Although this would be absolutely frustrating for anyone to
experience, it isn’t all that uncommon. In an article entitled Access to
Preventive Health Care in Severely Disabled Women with Multiple Sclerosis, we
can learn that healthcare access for women with Multiple Sclerosis is not
always easy due to these particular patients experiencing impaired mobility,
cognitive difficulties, and mood disorders. (Dobos, Healy, and Houtchens 2015) These
sometimes-difficult symptoms to treat can negatively impact the type of care
women with Multiple Sclerosis receive and also make it so that particular
doctors will not treat them, as we’ve seen firsthand in Mindy’s case. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> Mindy has also had to face obstacles
directly related to her treatment for Multiple Sclerosis. She started on a
medication called Tecfidera, a pill she takes twice a day which causes severe
flushing. When Mindy described this, she said to imagine a horrible sunburn
feeling all over her skin that lasts for an hour every single day. She also
states that all of her spinal lesions have progressed. Because of this, she
started on Tysabri, which is a monthly infusion through an IV. This causes her
body to feel awful for 3-4 days after each infusion and more specifically,
causes fatigue, nausea, and body aches. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> When Mindy was asked whether she
feels her diagnosis has caused others to perceive her differently, she states
that, yes, she feels she is perceived differently now. When she was first
diagnosed, Mindy had a 2-year-old and a 6-month-old and felt that everyone was
looking at her with pity. After some time, she has realized that each of the
people who reaches out to help are doing so because they care about her and
truly want to help her family. This has helped her to recognize how people
perceiving her differently doesn’t have to be labeled as a negative thing.
Mindy is different since her diagnosis and that is merely a fact. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> When asked whether Mindy felt her
care was ever affected by her race/ethnicity/gender/income/status/age, she
simply answered no. While this answer was very positive, it is not always the
norm for people in Mindy’s situation. Judith Lorber and Lisa Jean Moore state
that women with disabilities are less likely to find a life-long partner than
their male counterparts. This has to do with the fact that women are expected
to be caretakers and when they may not be able to do this, it goes against the
gender norm of what men expect and want when looking for a partner. (Lorber
& Moore 2002) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> In Mindy’s ideal world, she states
that there would be a clinic specifically for Multiple Sclerosis patients,
where a higher knowledge of Multiple Sclerosis and treatments would be
available to patients. Mindy started having symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis in
high school and started with an ultrasound and x-ray of her chest, which
brought no conclusions. She also got a CT scan to try and find an answer to her
headaches, which again, brought no conclusions. If Mindy had been able to find
someone who knew enough about Multiple Sclerosis and order an MRI when she was
younger, she would have been able to start her treatments in the beginning
stages of her Multiple Sclerosis. Another point that Mindy brought up was
regarding the medical bills involved with Multiple Sclerosis. Although Mindy is
on an insurance that fully covers her medications, she states that many
patients in her same situation can be expected to pay up to $7,000 per month on
the medications they need to treat their Multiple Sclerosis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> While interviewing Mindy, I found
myself wanting to become more aware of the things going on around me. I have
known Mindy for over 12 years and remember her having symptoms in high school
that no one seemed to be able to figure out. The healthcare system is advancing
and with that, I have hope that we will be able to change situations like
Mindy’s to hopefully treat these types of diagnoses better.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">References:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Dobos,
K., Healy, B., & Houtchens, M. (2015). Access to Preventive Health Care in
Severely <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Disabled Women with Multiple Sclerosis. <i>International Journal of MS Care</i>, 17(4),
200-205. doi:10.7224/1537-2073.2013-046<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ioanna,
T., Margarita, A., & George, Z. (2015). Depressive and Anxiety
Symptomatology <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">amongst Multiple Sclerosis Young Women: The Occupational
Therapy's Perspective. <i>Health Science
Journal</i>, 9(3), 1-5. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Lorber,
J., & Moore, L. J. (2002). <i>Gender and
the social construction of illness</i>. Walnut Creek: AltaMira. </span></div>
Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-87416034900396363022018-02-23T19:29:00.003-08:002018-02-23T19:29:18.936-08:00Dealing With AnxietyIn high school, I started having these little episodes where I felt like my heart was racing or skipping beats. I chalked this up to genetics because when I was younger, my mother had experienced some minor heart issues.<br />
<br />
I asked her if we could go to the doctor because I was pretty sure I was experiencing the same thing she had experienced.<br />
<br />
Much to my surprise, my heart ended up being healthy. Instead, I was diagnosed with panic attacks.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i>Wait, what?</i></span><br />
<br />
The "attack" verbiage sounded a little too intense for what I was feeling. Sure, I was hiding an eating disorder and was constantly measuring myself up to the people around me. And yes, I was extremely temperamental with my family members. And my life sure didn't <i>feel </i>easy at the time.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But I didn't feel like my chest pains felt like an <b><i>attack</i></b>.</span><br />
<br />
In fact, most of the time, these "attacks" would happen when I was doing something I loved like in the middle of a dance class or during choir or just hanging out with my friends. They would last a minute or so and as I breathed through them, the feeling would go away.<br />
<br />
Luckily, they were few and far between. And as time went on, I got used to them. Anxiety became a part of me and quite frankly, it didn't bother me that much. I never labeled myself as an anxious person or really gave much thought to these little episodes because they were just that---<b>little</b>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Fast-forward to today. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Anxiety has become a stronger and more prominent struggle in my life. </span><br />
<br />
The things I've experience in the past 12 years as an adult have been pretty difficult and have come with many big decisions and changes.<br />
<br />
I lost a baby three months into my marriage. After my son was born, I was diagnosed with infertility. My marriage was filled with challenges and lies. My husband left me 'out of the blue'. I struggled with my eating disorder. I lost friends. My children were hurt by someone I thought was safe. I lost my faith. I had to go to trial to fight a change in child custody.<br />
<br />
My brain tells me I keep losing things and that things keep shifting no matter what I do to try and stop them.<br />
<br />
So based on that logic, I'm often MORE anxious when things in my life are going well---because I'm just waiting for another bomb to drop.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And surely this is not a productive way to live my life.</span><br />
<br />
And to most, it wouldn't even seem like I live my life this way. I try to keep things real while also keeping things positive.<br />
<br />
In fact, as I went back to counseling recently, my therapist asked how my life was going and I replied, <i>"It's fabulous! On paper, everything is going great right now! I am an empowered, badass single mom. I graduated this past year from ASU. I just reopened my foster availability. My faith is stronger than it has been in a long time. I love my job. I love my kids. I love my coworkers. <b>BUT---I am having trouble controlling my anxiety.</b>" </i>{And yes, I really did refer to myself as a badass multiple times during our conversation.}<br />
<br />
I don't show it often. But the reason I talk about the reality of my anxiety is because I know I am not alone. And I know that there are a lot of people who don't speak up because they think they will be perceived differently---more negatively. And I know I am still a stable mother who is capable of doing great things.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">BUT---<b><i>anxiety</i></b>. </span><br />
<br />
A lot of my days move like this:<br />
<br />
The second I drop my kids off to school, my chest feels a little heavier. And to deal with this, I start speaking out loud to myself in the car. <i>"Suzanne, they are going to be fine. You can leave them. Breathe. Life is good. Everything is good right now. Nothing bad has happened."</i><br />
<br />
I then get to work and have a hard time focusing because I'll zero in on my pen not writing evenly or I'll obsess over how I'm going to tackle everything that needs to be done after work/school or I'll get anxious that I haven't been a good enough friend lately and what if my friends desert me? Chest tightening. Heart pounding. Sweaty palms. So then I'll pep talk myself again but this time, in my mind. <i>"Suzanne, you are doing great. Nothing catastrophic has happened. Your pen is fine. You will get everything done that you need to. The kids are safely at school. The school would call if they needed you. Trust your friends. Nothing bad has happened."</i><br />
<br />
When my doorbell rings---<i>instant anxiety</i>.<br />
When I get a text message from certain people---<i>instant anxiety</i>.<br />
If an email comes through that has to do with the trial I just went through---<i>instant anxiety</i>.<br />
When I sign into my bank account---<i>instant anxiety</i>.<br />
When I walk into the chaos that is currently my house---<i>instant anxiety</i>.<br />
<br />
And although I could keep painting you a picture, I think you get the point.<br />
<br />
My brain often feels like it's working overtime just for me to act normally in every day situations. It is absolutely exhausting. And yet, for the most part, it is invisible.<br />
<br />
When I was first diagnosed with an actual anxiety disorder, I was a married, stay-at-home mom. I had been in marriage counseling with my husband for a few months when my brain started sending panic signals for little things.<br />
<br />
At the grocery store, I would become anxious over picking the right brand or spending the right amount of money. I would struggle when I knew I could not justify buying an even number of a certain food. My 'even numbers' obsession got pretty strong and I had no idea why. <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">{As I've mentioned before, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.}</span> </i><br />
<br />
I was afraid of my husband but not because he physically abused me. <b>(He NEVER did.)</b> I was afraid of his mood swings. His disbelief in God was painful for me. I didn't feel like I knew him anymore.<br />
<br />
But I didn't believe those things were capable of causing anxiety when making a decision as menial as what brand of food to buy.<br />
<br />
My struggle with anxiety at this time was pretty invisible to anyone other than myself, my husband, and my therapist.<br />
<br />
In fact, during a marriage counseling session, my husband brought up my OCD <i>(which was his way of deflecting the topic off of him)</i> and although at first, I was hurt that he was blaming me, I am really glad he did that because it opened up a topic that had been making me feel crazy. Our marriage therapist warned me that OCD is often heightened after a traumatic event. <i>And maybe she had accepted that our marriage was on the rocks more than I had at the time. </i>That made it so that I felt safe talking about how my OCD really was becoming harder to control and was taking on some unusual habits, including anxiety over germs, something I had never dealt with before.<br />
<br />
I poured myself into being a better homemaker, a more patient wife, and I took on the majority of our parental responsibilities on my own. I wanted this to fix my husband, to fix our relationship.<br />
<br />
I tried being submissive. I tried standing up for myself more. I tried to lose weight. I tried to leave him alone more.<br />
<br />
And when he left me, I had this sudden realization that <b>I could not control this situation</b>. Nothing I said or did would've changed his mind at that time.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">This is when the anxiety hit hardest. </span><br />
<br />
I felt so out of control, realizing that I could not fix the very thing I was trying to fix. I worried about how my kids would grow up and whether anybody could ever love post-pregnancy-body Suzanne.<br />
<br />
I was stoic. I pretended to be strong. And maybe just the mere fact that I was able to put on a brave face <i><b>was</b></i> actually brave.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But on the inside, my anxiety was controlling me. </span><br />
<br />
<i>What were people going to think of me? Whether they knew he chose to leave or heard "the other story" of how I kicked him out, were they going to hate me? Would they look at my body and blame it as the root of the problem? Would they find flaws in my character? Would I ever get remarried? Would my kids be ok? Would I <b>actually</b> make it financially and emotionally and physically on my own?</i><br />
<br />
It took me a few months to adjust to this new adult life where I made decisions on my own and slept alone and paid bills alone.<br />
<br />
And since that horrible day four and a half years ago, I have learned a lot about my anxiety. Most of the time, I have done incredibly well at <i><b>not</b></i> letting it control me. But sometimes, there seems to be nothing I can do short of surrendering to God and begging him to help me stay calm.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And sometimes even that doesn't take my anxiety away.</span><br />
<br />
It's pretty hard to control right now. Probably harder than it has been in years. When I lay in my bed at the end of the day or let my mind wander at work or while driving, I start to feel the weight pressing down on my chest. It isn't always easy to talk myself through it but I've been trying new techniques like music, meditation, and extra prayers in those difficult moments.<br />
<br />
And something HUGE that I've learned is that when my anxiety hits and I'm in a situation where I can remove myself, <b>I do it</b>.<br />
<br />
If there is contention that I can walk away from or if I need to take a short walk around the building at work or if I need to turn on The Office when I wake up in the middle of the night, <b>I do it</b>.<br />
<br />
I am <b><i>so</i></b> grateful that 'life is good' right now and that this is usually just a phase that comes on strong after a really traumatic event has passed. Because as I said above, life being good is sometimes my biggest trigger because I fear the unknown of what bomb could drop next.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Anxiety does not define me but it <i><b>is </b></i>a part of me. </span><br />
<br />
I might sound crazy to you or I might be describing something you deal with. Either one of those is ok with me. I am comfortable speaking about my anxiety because I know I am a good person and that I have good intentions and am doing amazing things with the life I've been given.<br />
<br />
If you've been around me lately, you've probably seen the more anxious side of me and I want you to know how thankful I am for your patience. Because when anxiety hits me hard, I know that I have to let certain things go. I know I need space. I know I won't answer texts as fast or answer my phone as often. I know I need to walk away and ask for help more often.<br />
<br />
And if you have anxiety and you need a safe space to talk about it, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. Because if helping others is the one good thing that comes from this, I'm ok with that. :)Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-17631003521927545242018-01-23T12:55:00.000-08:002018-01-23T12:55:56.860-08:00The Little Things ARE The Big Things <span style="font-size: large;">It's the little things, really.</span><br />
<br />
Singing loudly to a song on the radio.<br />
Giving in to "just one more snuggle" before bedtime.<br />
Getting weighed at the doctor's office and <b><i>not</i></b> freaking out.<br />
Going to lunch with coworkers.<br />
Being able to step in and help someone else.<br />
Teaching dance and watching your tiny dancers improve.<br />
Talking to a friend on the phone.<br />
Full on belly laughing while watching The Office for the hundredth time.<br />
Hearing the words "I love you" without prompting from your children.<br />
Getting a surprise visit from your sister and her kids.<br />
Being invited over to dinner at someone's house.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">All of the little things add up and they become quite big.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm feeling all of that this week.</span><br />
<br />
The kids have been adjusting to the new co-parenting schedule and it was touch and go there for a while. The changes seemed small to me but when it includes different people dropping them off or picking them up at school, it feels huge to the kids. I lamented to my mom a week ago how hard it is to parent without yelling or losing my mind but that I truly believe that is what my kids need from me so I'm working hard at it---BUT IT'S SO DANG HARD! The kids had both been on a streak of disrespectful behavior. I heard phrases like "I hate you", "Shut up", and "I don't care" more than I've ever heard out of their mouths before.<br />
<br />
In fact, I can count on one hand how many times I remember the phrase "I hate you" coming out of either of their mouths.<br />
<br />
It lasted almost a full week and I was feeling extremely defeated. I know they're struggling to feel stability. I know they react like this when they're scared.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But it still hurts.</span><br />
<br />
I was nervous for the weekend because I didn't want it to keep getting harder.<br />
<br />
Each time my children had lashed out, I had reacted with compassion---although sometimes I was faking that compassion and holding back hurt feelings and anger.<br />
<br />
But as the weekend rolled in, there seemed to be a calmness in our home.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We spent a lot of time together doing some of our favorite things:</span><br />
<br />
Watching National Geographic movies on elephants, white wolves, gorillas, and polar bears.<br />
Playing games together.<br />
Turning cleaning into various different races and games.<br />
Going to the movies.<br />
Eating out.<br />
Separate date nights with each of them.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It was probably the best long weekend we've had. Ever.</span><br />
<br />
And as the week progressed, it started to feel a little bit more normal in our home and less hostile.<br />
<br />
But the growing pains are still there. On Wednesday, there was a mix-up and Hayley was almost an hour late for dance which resulted in meltdowns throughout the next 3 hours of dance. I went and got her favorite snacks and let her teachers know what was going on and everyone was patient with her. <b>Oh how grateful I am to her teachers for understanding.</b> In fact, one of them took her out in the hall and braided her hair and talked her through her emotions before taking her back to her class. I will forever be grateful to Miss Melissa for doing that for my girly, knowing they have competition in a week but making sure Hayley's feelings were a priority.<br />
<br />
The fact of the matter is, none of this stuff is their fault. The kids didn't choose divorce or co-parenting or schedule changes. They don't choose who picks them up or whether they're dropped off at the correct times with the correct things they need for dance or play practice.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Co-parenting is often messy at it's best. </span><br />
<br />
But I am so thankful that my lingering anxiety hits hardest when the kids are gone. And I'm so thankful that they're not gone from my side often. And I'm so thankful that I have friends and family and therapy to help me through the times when they are gone.<br />
<br />
Because it makes it so that I can enjoy those times that they are with me. And I'm learning to practice self-care when they are gone.<br />
<br />
And all of those little things that make me happy are truly not little.<br />
<br />
They build me up and remind me that life is so beautiful. They remind me that there are always multiple things to be thankful for.<br />
<br />
And most importantly, they remind me that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and is looking out for me.<br />
<br />
I'll get through this rough patch of anxiety because I have support. And my children have support. And those things mean the world to me and remind me just how blessed we are.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-81184201108840905542018-01-10T17:30:00.000-08:002018-01-10T17:30:18.397-08:00Lingering AnxietyIn June of 2017, my world felt like a complete mess.<br />
<br />
I'll be honest---my ex-husband getting remarried was not easy for me. It came with a lot of changes and also a lot of heartache, as I watched him start a new life while I was still alone.<br />
<br />
But on top of that, I was awoken early on the day of Hayley's summer dance recital to someone banging on my front door and ringing the doorbell over and over again.<br />
<br />
<i>Apparently, that's what court servers do... </i><br />
<br />
The constant door banging and doorbell ringing had woken everyone in my home up at 6:00am, including our foster baby. And then the man explained that he was serving me court papers for a change in child custody.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I could hardly breathe.</span><br />
<br />
But after sobbing on the phone to my mother for a few minutes outside, I picked myself up and walked back into my home to get all of my children ready for the day.<br />
<br />
Before we left for the dance recitals, I called my home teacher and received a Priesthood blessing. In it, God told me there were specific reasons this was happening and that I would gain knowledge throughout this process that would help others throughout my life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And somehow, I managed to make it through the day of dance recitals without crying.</span><br />
<br />
But it was that night that I completely lost it in my room. And it was almost every night after that for the month of June that I sobbed into my pillow as I fell asleep.<br />
<br />
Every time my children were with me, I kept them close. And each time they left my side, I felt anxious.<br />
<br />
Every choice I made was made carefully. Normal, every day things scared me. I shut my blog down for 5 months. I put my foster care license on hold. I took a semester off of school. I was constantly worried about the future and haunted by the past.<br />
<br />
I found myself at the court house four different times and each time, the anxiety I felt on the inside was almost unbearable. But somehow I kept it inside and was able to get through each of those court appointments.<br />
<br />
I met with my attorney on numerous occasions and felt anxious each and every time I had to speak about the possibility of the future.<br />
<br />
Any time an email would come through from my attorney or the opposing attorney, my body would immediately revert to a state of anxiety, without even knowing what I was about to click on.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The entire process was extremely traumatic for me.</span><br />
<br />
And the week before trial, the panic I felt anytime I was separated from my children heightened.<br />
<br />
I'm a planner by nature. And thanks to my diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I hate feeling like I'm not in control. And this whole thing had me feeling very much like the choices of our future were not in my control but in the hands of a judge who doesn't even know our family.<br />
<br />
It has been almost nine months since I was woken at 6am on a Saturday morning.<br />
I spent most of 2017 wondering why this was happening and how this would affect my children.<br />
<br />
And last Sunday, I asked my bishop for a Priesthood blessing as I was going into the week of trial.<br />
<br />
In the blessing, I was told that I would be able to speak calmly and feel peace during this process. I wasn't sure I believed it because I know myself---and I am not an eloquent speaker nor did I believe it would be possible to feel peace inside that court room.<br />
<br />
But I tried so hard to trust that blessing.<br />
<br />
And when Wednesday rolled around, I decided I was going to have a great morning with my kids and trust that God would be there when the afternoon hit.<br />
<br />
And all I'll say about the trial is that God delivered on His promises. I felt incredible peace and reassurance and I spoke more clearly than I've ever been able to before.<br />
It was miraculous and beautiful and empowering and since that day, I've said prayers of gratitude daily for a God who was there exactly when I needed Him.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It's now over.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And all of the promises made to me were given.</span><br />
And in so many ways, I am grateful for the past nine months and everything I have learned.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But what I've experienced in the past week has been really difficult.</span><br />
<br />
I assumed when this ended, the heightened anxiety would end.<br />
Unfortunately, it didn't.<br />
<br />
<b>Sometimes the anxiety hits when the trauma is over because our brains tell us it's safe to<i> feel</i>. </b><br />
<br />
This isn't the first time I've experienced this and it won't be the last. It's hard to have a major portion of your heart walking around without your protection for most of the day. Motherhood is the greatest thing I've ever been given and yet, it comes with a lot of anxiety because I cannot always protect my children when I want to. <br />
<br />
So this is where I'm at. It has been a long nine months and I am extremely grateful that the hardest parts are over. But please be patient with me throughout this transition. It's going to take me some time to feel like I'm back to a new normal again.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-72170664904492746202018-01-04T14:30:00.000-08:002018-01-04T14:30:24.599-08:002018Wow.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2017. </span><br />
<br />
As a whole, I hated this year. But that's mainly because of a bigger picture issue that started in May/June.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">When I really think about it, 2017 wasn't half bad. </span><br />
<br />
Hayley was baptized in January.<br />
I graduated from ASU with a bachelors degree!<br />
We dove into foster care with our sweet Yaya and since then, have been taking a break due to the 'bigger picture' issues mentioned above. <i>But hopefully, 2018 will bring with it more children into our home that need us.</i><br />
Hayley chopped almost ALL of her hair off!<br />
Hayley also made Company at her dance studio.<br />
I started teaching dance again in July at the same studio.<br />
We were surprised and blessed with a new van in July---<i>and with it, a stability that was something I hadn't even realized would bring so much comfort to my heart.</i><br />
Andersen was baptized in October.<br />
Andersen also landed an ensemble role in The Lion King play and will perform at the end of January.<br />
We were able to go to Carlsbad twice.<br />
Andersen tested into the 94th percentile nationally in reading and writing at school.<br />
Hayley got her aerial and a round-off back handspring<i> (and she's super close to her back tuck)</i>!<br />
I got to spend this second half of the year focusing on my kids while taking a break from my schooling.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">So many amazing blessings came to our family this year. </span><br />
<br />
And it truly would've been a near-perfect year without those dumb 'bigger picture issues' clouding my brain and making this year feel darker than it actually was.<br />
<br />
I have had moments of doubt and despair this year, as I've considered how our family situation will change in 2018. I have let fear and anger control me and have relied on my family and friends to talk me through those hardest moments where I don't feel like I can continue to be brave.<br />
<br />
But through it all, I am stronger. Through it all, I am learning so much about myself.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And because I want to have gratitude for the good intertwined in those darkest hours, here are some things that the 'bigger picture issues' have taught me: </span><br />
<br />
I have kept my 2017 goal of being more present with my children. I have tried to make this year a year of making memories, teaching/practicing patience, listening more and talking less. I have realized just how precious every moment with my children is and have tried so hard not to take our time together for granted.<br />
<br />
I have grown closer to my parents and have a deeper sense of appreciation for everything they do to support our family. I have felt the love they have for me and for my children in a completely new way this year.<br />
<br />
I have learned more than ever how to deal with my anxiety. I definitely still have panic attacks. I definitely still get knocked down with feelings of fear. And I definitely still thank God for the creation of Zoloft. But I have learned how to help those feelings leave quicker. I have learned to talk myself down when I am scared about the future and I have learned how to stand up for what I believe in, no matter how scary it feels.<br />
<br />
I have prayed more and have drawn closer to my Heavenly Father---knowing that if there is not a good outcome when all of these 'bigger picture issues' are decided, I will need to rely on Him to help me through.<br />
<br />
<br />
I was praying a few weeks ago about what my next steps should be in life. I wondered if God was going to give me something to focus on in 2018 like He has in the past. Because this is certainly shaping up to be a big year and it is starting with our family facing some significant challenges.<br />
<br />
I didn't want to pick another synonym for "brave", although that was exactly what I needed in years past and is honestly something I still remind myself of daily. I wanted it to be something different, something with a more clear purpose. I wanted to be able to set a goal with a path that I could work on periodically throughout the year.<br />
<br />
He didn't answer me right then but a few days later, after speaking with a family member, I knew exactly what I needed to focus on in 2018. I knew what path I needed to follow, a path I had been avoiding for years because I was scared of the final outcome and honestly wasn't sure I could succeed in finishing.<br />
<br />
<br />
The word I've chosen for 2018 is<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Forgiveness. </span><br />
<br />
I have decided to start the LDS church's 12-step program and really dive into those pieces of my life that are still painful and have not been easy to let go.<br />
I've attended these addiction recovery meetings before but only ever as an ex-wife needing support. I have never attended them while having my main focus be how I can improve and let go of the past.<br />
<i>*And although it might sound weird to start an addiction recovery program when I want to focus on forgiveness, the LDS's 12-step program is so much deeper than just recovering from an addiction. It is for everyone. And I have faith that if I work this program through all 12 steps, my life will be changed for the better.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
Although I have been adamant over and over that I have forgiven my ex-husband for leaving our family, I think I've always held onto this tiny piece of anger that still flares up from time to time.<br />
Yes, what my ex-husband did was hurtful and traumatic for myself and for our children. And I think I've been afraid that if I don't hold onto some piece of anger toward him, everything that I went through during our divorce would be negated.<br />
<br />
And those painful memories are ones that are almost sacred to me. They teach me and remind me and they were very real. And I have always been worried that if I down-play everything that's happened in the past 10 years, I'll just be left with being the crazy single mom who has anxiety.<br />
<br />
So I'm working to truly forgive and let go of all of the hurt surrounding my marriage and divorce.<br />
<br />
I have also been holding on to some deep-rooted hurt feelings toward a group of people whom I used to call friends. Mostly for the same reasons---if I let go of those feelings, is it like they never happened in the first place? Because some of those traumatic events left me feeling worthless and completely devastated.<br />
<br />
I had a really painful experience this past week that revolved around those friendships ending and I realized just how much I need to let that go because <b>the only person it is hurting now is me</b>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Super profound, right?</span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">{You'd think by now I'd just trust the things I was taught as a young child in Sunday School...}</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But I think the person I need to forgive more than anyone else is myself.</span><br />
<br />
Because in both of these situations, and in many others, I have made decisions that were not the best ones I could've made. I hurt people---and I hate hurting people.<br />
<br />
I let fear or anger or hurt feelings drive my decisions in how I handled the situations I was put in.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And that is not the type of person I want to be.</span><br />
<br />
I've blamed myself for ignoring red flags, not knowing better, being young and naive, not being good enough, not being compassionate enough, etc. And when I find myself in darkness, it is easy to hate myself and blame all of the hard things in my life on my decisions and actions.<br />
<br />
I hold a lot of anger toward myself and most of the time, I don't even realize it. So in 2018, I'm going to dig in and figure out how to let that all go. Because I deserve to be treated well and loved---especially by the person staring back at me in the mirror.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">On top of forgiving, I have a few other goals I'd like to be accountable to.</span><br />
<br />
Although I improved this past year in some areas, I lacked in others.<br />
<br />
I made a goal to be more organized and that one became a joke as I struggled just to deal with my anxiety. So because I am praying the end to those anxious feelings will come in a week or two, I am re-making the goal to be more organized. I want my house to feel like our home more than it ever has before. I want it to be cozy and calm and inviting of the Spirit. I want less chaos and more peace.<br />
Going along with that, I am going to cook more this year. I did amazingly well this past year and cooked more than I ever have before <i>(which was still am embarrassingly low number)</i> and this year, I plan on showing my kids that the natural question is actually <i>"<b>What</b> are we going to eat for dinner?" </i>and not <i>"<b>Where</b> are we going to eat for dinner?" . </i><br />
I made a goal in 2017 to attend the temple once a month and that did not happen. In fact, about mid-February, I pulled the reigns back on the religion thing and then started to ease myself into it from there. Because going back to a religion I left was harder than I had anticipated it would be. But it's now been a year and I'm pushing along each and every day. So 2018---more temple attendance. <b>Because I like that place.</b><br />
And going along with that goal, I am making a goal to keep asking questions in 2018. Because it seems that when I stop asking questions, my testimony gets halted and stagnant. I want 2018 to be a strong year and so, when I don't understand something or agree with it, I will speak up and ask the people I trust to help me better understand this church I love so much.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">2018 is going to be a good year because I plan on making it a good year. </span><br />
<br />
I have already proven to myself that I am capable of greatness this year and I plan to continue that throughout the year.<br />
<br />
<br />
As a last sidenote, if you were a part of our lives in 2017, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. We were so blessed and supported this past year and really felt the prayers and strength you gave to us when we needed it most.<br />
<br />Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-27675948089834028802017-12-29T15:29:00.000-08:002017-12-29T15:29:13.617-08:00Children of DivorceHayley came home the other day and was jealous because a friend of hers had gotten special attention from their teacher.<br />
<br />
I'd like to say that 9 is the "age of jealousy" but Hayley has struggled with this her whole life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Jealousy is such a hard feeling.</span><br />
<br />
I remember being a kid and celebrating my older sister's birthday one year. She was unwrapping presents and opened something that I had been asking for.<br />
<br />
So of course, <b>I lost my ever-loving mind!</b> Right there in the middle of her party. I made a huge scene and I'm pretty sure I spent the rest of the party in my room.<br />
<br />
And two months later, when my birthday came around, I unwrapped the same gift and sheepishly thanked my parents.<br />
<br />
Because what I hadn't known two months prior was that they had bought us both that present but planned to give it to us on our respective birthdays.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Quite honestly, I'm surprised they still chose to give it to me after that episode...</span><br />
<br />
Anyway, as I was listening to Hayley complain and feel hurt that she hadn't gotten any special attention, she gave me the name of the other child and I immediately knew why this girl had gotten that special attention.<br />
<br />
And then Hayley yelled, <i>"And it was all because her parents are getting divorced! MY parents are divorced too!!!"</i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Sigh...</span><br />
<br />
And so I sat down with my sweet and sour little girl and we had a conversation about how divorce affects children, especially in those painful beginning stages.<br />
<br />
I explained that four years ago when her dad and I were getting divorced, she got to move her desk to be right next to her Kindergarten teacher. Also during this time, I took her on numerous extra special date nights. And my parents and siblings and friends poured extra time into my children's lives.<br />
And although those things were the most important, my kids were also showered with extra gifts during this time to help them feel loved and remembered.<br />
<br />
And then she turned the conversation more personal and asked me <i>why</i> we got divorced---a question I have answered for her many times but that does not make sense to her still.<br />
<br />
<i>I think that's why she keeps asking even though she gets some kind of answer every time. </i><br />
I have never shied away from this question but I also only answer what is appropriate for her age and understanding.<br />
<br />
So we went over it again. How people have their agency and we cannot force them to stay. How sometimes people make decisions that hurt others even when they don't mean to. How these same people can be good, loving people.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I explained that hurt people hurt people. </span><br />
<br />
And her response to this was, <i>"Well I never hurt anyone when you guys were getting divorced." </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Which wasn't true. </span><br />
<br />
Because sometimes when you are the safe person, you are the person who takes the brunt of a child's confusing anger and instability.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And I was that person for my kids. </span><br />
<br />
The instability that Hayley was feeling when she was 5 was very real and scary for her and she would often lose her temper and tell me she hated me and kick me and smack me. And usually, these tantrums would end with us both laying in her bed and me promising that I'd always be there for her.<br />
<br />
Of course, as I told her this, she began apologizing for her 5-year-old behavior. And then she asked me why I didn't get angry and hurt her back.<br />
<br />
And so I explained that when you love someone as much as I love her, often times you can see beneath their reactions. So when she would kick me, I knew she was reacting to her scared feelings. And I knew what she needed was a mom who would prove to her that I wasn't going anywhere, no matter how many times she screamed.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I felt like Hayley was testing me during this time, like she was testing to see what the boundary was where my love for her stopped.<br />
<br />
And I'd like to think that I proved myself throughout that first year. I hope I proved to her that nothing can change how much I love her.<br />
<br />
<br />
This conversation ended like most of them do---I laid next to her in her bed and promised her that I would always be there for her.<br />
<br />
But as I sat on her bed and watched her fall asleep, I kept replaying all of the ways that divorce has affected my children.<br />
<br />
---Anxiety. The confusion of waking up one day and one parent just being gone. I can't even imagine being 5 and having this happen and trying to make sense of it. Because before August 24th, 2013, I don't believe my children had ever considered their parents NOT living in the same home.<br />
This confusion created anger and sadness and instability. It created attachment anxiety and my kids needing constant affirmation that I wasn't going anywhere. Andersen started to have pretty bad anxiety during our divorce and reverted back to a lot of 'baby behaviors'. He still can be pretty clingy at times and we often lay his schedule out ahead of time so he knows where he is going and what he is doing.<br />
<br />
---The negative impacts on extracurricular activities. Scheduling Hayley's dance stuff can be really stressful for me and in turn, she gets stressed out sometimes. There are times she accidentally leaves a dance outfit or dance shoes at her dad's house and we can't go get it before it is needed. Andersen also goes through this when his soccer games are every weekend and he switches houses every weekend so we have to make sure everything is ready to go days ahead of time so he is packed and won't be missing anything.<br />
<br />
---Heartache when interacting with children of NON-divorced parents. Sometimes my kids come home from a friends house or from church and they seem to have this reoccurring realization that most families aren't like ours. Most families have a mom and a dad who live at home and go to church together with their children and attend activities together. And every once in a while, my kids will get sad about this realization and will experience a range of emotions that are hard to feel.<br />
<br />
---The worry that they are going to lose more family members. This rides alongside the attachment anxiety. My kids used to ask me questions like, <i>"Is grandma going to leave the family?" "Will my cousins always be my cousins?" "When you get remarried, do we still get to see our dad?"</i>, etc. because to them, these are valid concerns. If one person can just move out of the house they've always shared, what stops other people from leaving?<br />
<br />
---Guilt. My kids have struggled with feeling guilty. This one especially affects Hayley. She is always concerned about her dad's and my feelings. She will retract a sentence if she thinks I'll interpret it as her loving her dad more than me or vice versa. We work on this a lot because I want her to know she can love us both and that saying something good about one of us does not negate her love for the other person.<br />
<br />
For me, the hardest part of divorce has been not being able to take away the pain my kids feel. It is so hard to watch your children experience really difficult emotions and not be able to take that from them.<br />
<br />
But the good news is that they can still live amazing lives. We can support them and listen to them and show up when they need us.<br />
<br />
I don't quite understand what my children have gone through because I did not grow up in the same environment they are but I believe that if I continue to be there and love them and give them as much stability as I'm able to, they will be ok.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-25846912776159699242017-12-20T12:18:00.001-08:002017-12-20T12:18:14.474-08:00Me Too <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8NmVWZEThlyIe5uKPUXhQ-q3YPnMRJ-3q3qf69KxMuW5AtFSYUgB2_VtQso8JwJYkwB9dmbgIitWxuCR9_VdALrAoszIu0QG1oGlwvCflMWfAEC3Tkc_oM-KQp4wTtfexnx7FUQ3pgPDK/s1600/hayley+and+mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="809" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8NmVWZEThlyIe5uKPUXhQ-q3YPnMRJ-3q3qf69KxMuW5AtFSYUgB2_VtQso8JwJYkwB9dmbgIitWxuCR9_VdALrAoszIu0QG1oGlwvCflMWfAEC3Tkc_oM-KQp4wTtfexnx7FUQ3pgPDK/s640/hayley+and+mom.jpg" width="538" /></a></div>
<br />
You can tell her eyes are blue, even in a black and white picture.<br />
<br />
But can you see her kindness? Her intelligence? Her compassion for others?<br />
<br />
No. Because those are not things you can tell just by staring at her face. Those are things that come from within her soul.<br />
<br />
She is my world and I plan on teaching her all of the beauty and heartache she may experience, being born a female in this world.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I worry about her because she will not grow up in the same world I did.</span><br />
<br />
She will grow up in a world more perverted with sex and pornography being normalized.<br />
<br />
And so I will start younger than my mother had to with me. I will make sure she knows that her worth is not based upon a number on a scale or a bra size or the shape of her face or the color of her eyes.<br />
<br />
Because what I want more than anything is for her experiences to be different than mine, better than mine. I want her to have the self-esteem to say no and the knowledge to keep herself safe.<br />
<br />
But it's sad that I even have to teach her these things. It's sad that we have to worry about safety and that we have to teach self-worth over and over again and hope it sticks.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">***</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Me too.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">***</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">These are words you've most likely seen.</span><br />
<br />
They've been on your Facebook news feed or you've seen them in articles recently.<br />
<br />
After reading why my friends were posting this as their status, I knew I needed to join their voices.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I posted the status that I did for so many reasons. </span><br />
<br />
In high school, I had pretty low self-esteem. Attention from boys was my <b>number one concern</b>. And because of this, for the first three years of high school, I didn't say no when I felt uncomfortable. <i>Luckily for me</i>, the situations this placed me in were not as bad as they could've been but that doesn't mean they were non-existent.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">And as a senior in high school, as my self-esteem started to rise a little, I said<b> no </b>for the first time that I can distinctly remember. </span><br />
<br />
I was sitting alone in a basement with a guy who I thought was my close friend. After a few minutes of talking, he leaned in and tried to kiss me but I pulled away and laughed a little. And then he tried it again <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">{because that's apparently normal?!}</span></i> and I verbally said, <i>"No."</i> but in a really kind voice. <b>AND WHEN HE TRIED A THIRD TIME</b>, I got pretty angry and fiery and I shoved him away and yelled, <i><b>"No!"</b></i> in his face, before running upstairs to be with the rest of our friends.<br />
<br />
This rocked me for a while because I didn't understand why my polite <i>"no"</i> had been ignored. I didn't understand why it took me yelling at him and physically moving him for him to stop trying.<br />
<br />
He was my friend. And I had trusted him before that moment.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And he betrayed that trust.</span><br />
<br />
As an adult, I am so proud of 18-year-old Suzanne for shoving him away. I hope he learned as much from that experience as I did.<br />
<br />
Sadly, what<i> I </i>learned is that I'm not always heard. I learned that sometimes the giggly <i>"no"</i> registers to the other person as <i>"Not unless you work a little harder for it"</i>.<br />
<br />
I didn't want him to work harder. I wanted him to stop. And he misread that---<i>except it shouldn't have been misread. </i><br />
<br />
Because I used the word <b>NO</b>.<br />
<br />
This was not the first time and it wouldn't be the last. But it was the most significant one in my memory.<br />
<br />
Aside from this experience, I can remember a time in my life when I used to walk the 2-3 miles it took to get to work because I wanted to save money and get some exercise for my upcoming wedding. I remember how often a car would drive by and men would whistle in my direction or try to talk to me and I would ignore them.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I stopped walking because of how uncomfortable it made me.</span><br />
<br />
They were never men my age. Always, always older. And I hated it so much that older men would find that appropriate or funny.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Because it wasn't.</span><br />
<br />
So the "me too" campaign is personal. And I think it's something the majority of us can relate to.<br />
<br />
We all want to be seen for more than what is on the outside.<br />
<br />
I guess my hope is that we change.<br />
My hope is that we continue to take a stand and say, <i>"That's not right!"</i> when we are put in positions that are uncomfortable and inappropriate.<br />
<br />
Because I want better for the world my children are growing up in.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-43730740455365675672017-12-08T19:57:00.000-08:002017-12-08T19:57:22.218-08:00Christmas After DivorceChristmas has always been my very favorite holiday---second only to my own birthday and my children's birthdays.<br />
<br />
I love giving gifts.<br />
I love how the world just seems brighter in December.<br />
I love how religion gets simpler and the majority of religions focus on the same thing---<b>the birth of our Savior.</b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It's a beautiful time of year.</span><br />
<br />
But then you throw divorce into the equation and some of the Christmastime beauty is tarnished.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It just is.</span><br />
<br />
Because after divorce, you have to give up part of your holiday time with your own children.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And that is the worst feeling.</span><br />
<br />
I used to have this irrational picture in my head of us still spending Christmases together to give ourselves and our kids a sense of normalcy. But that wasn't well received and then I felt crazy for even bringing it up.<br />
<br />
And it doesn't matter how many Christmases pass---I don't think I'll ever get used to it.<br />
Maybe it'll be easier if I ever remarry and am not completely alone.<br />
Or maybe when my kids get older, it'll be easier.<br />
<br />
But because I have two littles who still believe in Santa and the magic of Christmas, it's hard to give them up.<br />
<br />
<br />
A few days ago, I found out I won't get to see my kids on Christmas. And I found out there was nothing I could do about that decision.<br />
<br />
And I'm a little angry but mostly heartbroken because I didn't have time to prepare myself for that. Three weeks isn't long enough---<i>I swear, it isn't</i>---to let it sink in that I won't be with the babies on December 25th, 2017.<br />
<br />
And really, that just comes as one last punch in the stomach for a year that I have found to be incredibly difficult.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I'm trying to let it go. </span><br />
<br />
I'm trying to remember that the 25th of December is just a day and that we can make any other day of the year as magical as that day.<br />
<br />
I'm trying not to be bitter. About divorce. About the events of this year regarding divorce.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But that is proving to be extremely difficult. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
Divorce {with kids} is truly the worst. It bleeds into everything. It makes easy decisions harder. And it makes harder decisions nearly impossible.<br />
<br />
<br />
But I've made it through four years of harder Christmases and I don't plan on giving up now.Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-64567769759762975532017-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:002017-11-11T13:30:10.284-08:00Rise Above ItI realize I'm guilty of <i>not </i>rising above certain conflicts in my life.<br />
<br />
When I think about that word that I picked for 2017, I imagine the definition to be something similar to "being the bigger person" or "letting go of pride" or "rising above fears".<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And I have wholeheartedly tried to implement that word into my life this year. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>'Tried' being the keyword. </i></span><br />
<br />
Let's get real here---we can all be really stupid sometimes. <b><i>Really. Stupid.</i></b><br />
And it's HARD to "be the bigger person" when someone is acting like an idiot.<br />
<br />
Every bone in my body consists of sarcasm sprinkled with a hint of impatience. <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">iknowright?</span></i><br />
<br />
And I've let my impatience get the best of me many times. I've taken my sarcasm way too far.<br />
But the worst one---the one I'm trying so hard to fix---is letting my fears dictate whether I will rise above a situation.<br />
<br />
This one seems to be the least controllable, although it is absolutely still possible to control.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's my anxiety or maybe it's just my hyper-sensitivity to controlling my own path but when fear gets involved, I am not always the nicest person. On the inside, I start to panic and it portrays on the outside as impatience and intolerance.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I'm not proud of this.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But it still happens sometimes.</span><br />
<br />
I've been feeling a lot of this lately while dealing with some <i><b>stuff</b></i>. You know, that annoying type of <i><b>stuff</b></i> that may cause someone to shut down their blog for five months out of fear. The type of <i><b>stuff</b></i> you're not ready to post about because you're still in the thick of it and you don't want to end up making the situation worse.<br />
<br />
That kind of <i><b>stuff</b></i>. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>theworstkindofstuff </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">FEAR is the absolute worst. And it can be debilitating at times.</span><br />
<br />
I am SO MUCH a planner. Our schedule is wild and crazy but it is organized. I thrive on our crazy, busy life.<br />
<br />
So when I don't know what the future holds and I can't even see a glimpse, I start to let fear control the way that I react.<br />
<br />
And ironically <i>/exceptnotsoironically/ </i>this does not help.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It just does not help!</span><br />
<br />
Reacting in a negative way does not change the things happening. It just makes the build up feel worse, which in turn makes the actual reaction feel worse.<br />
<br />
So letting fear win actually makes things worse.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Rise. Above.</span><br />
<br />
I'm glad I chose the specific word RISE for 2017.<br />
<br />
Because it turns out that RISE was the exact thing I needed to learn.<br />
<br />
I've had moments this year where I thought I'd be better off abandoning the whole church thing all together <b>because I was letting fear control me.</b><br />
<br />
I've had moments where I almost didn't choose bravery---<i>new job, divorce stuff, dating</i>---<b>because I was listening to my fears.</b><br />
<br />
But for the most part this year, although it has not been easy, I have risen.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And I didn't abandon everything and run away like I've wanted to.</span><br />
<br />
Five months ago, I faced one of the scariest days of this year and I so badly wanted to give up.<br />
<br />
But I faced my fears head on and I'm trying to practice kindness instead of continuing to let those fears consume me.<br />
<br />
Lately it seems to be working. A few times over the past five months, it did NOT work.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But I'll get up and keep trying.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Because that is the true definition of rising.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Rising does not mean being perfect and getting it right the first time. To me, it means getting up over and over again after failing and <b>never giving up.</b><br />
<br />
So that's the plan for the rest of the year and leading into 2018.<br />
<i>And I guess it should be the plan for the rest of my life. </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Rise. </span>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-30750595382445655982017-11-09T15:30:00.000-08:002017-11-09T15:30:11.571-08:00WildfireLost.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Wounded</span>.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Still breathing.</b></span><br />
<br />
Surrounded by a dark forest of trees that all look exactly the same.<br />
Rain drenches her hair and she can no longer decipher between the raindrops and the tears on her cheeks.<br />
<br />
To her right, she sees flames.<br />
To her left, she sees a tornado.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Which path does she choose?</span><br />
Because right now, both look scary and painful and possibly deathly.<br />
<br />
She screams toward the Heavens and asks God why He has left her to forge her own path.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">She doesn't want to do it. </span><br />
<br />
She doesn't want to be bruised and scarred. <b>She wants to stay whole.</b><br />
<br />
But God tells her she will learn more about herself this way, that she will grow to understand the world more in depth and be filled with an empathy for others that she could've never known any other way.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">He promises her He won't leave. </span><br />
<br />
But she isn't sure she can trust anyone, even the God who created her and knows her entire path.<br />
<br />
Because if God was just, would He really tell her to choose between a tornado and a wildfire? Wouldn't He find another way to open her eyes to empathy and understanding? Wouldn't He shield her from pain?<br />
<br />
It is at this moment when she remembers God was not responsible for placing her between a wildfire and a tornado. <b>He did not bring her here. </b><br />
<br />
She is here through the choices of herself and others in her life.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Opposition</i></b> <i>in all things.</i></span><br />
<br />
She is here because God gave His children the ability to make choices, right or wrong. Because He knew that forcing His children to follow a specific path would not teach them that they are capable of making those choices on their own.<br />
<br />
And then she understands why He has promised her a deeper understanding in the midst of her pain.<br />
<b>Because her pain will teach her. She will learn how to love deeper.</b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Without knowing pain, she won't truly know the deepest joy.</span><br />
<br />
But although she understands, she is so very scared.<br />
<br />
She is afraid of what will happen in the midst of a fire. She is afraid she may not make it out alive.<br />
And she is afraid that if she does make it out alive, no one will want to be around her because she will be broken.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Broken</span>.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Do people ever fully come back from being broken? </span></i><br />
<br />
She steps toward the wildfire, knowing she is about to be burned but seeing no other options.<br />
<br />
Her eyes dart left and right, looking for the best path, and they lock on a person caught in the worst part of the fire.<br />
<br />
Does she save them and hurt herself more? Or does she take the path less painful?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">She knows the answer. God has taught her the answer. </span><br />
<br />
And so she runs straight into the middle of the wildfire and begins to pull the other woman to safety on the other side.<br />
<br />
The fire sears her skin and she screams out in pain. It is in the middle of this fire that she feels her deepest pains immensely.<br />
<br />
She feels all of the pain from divorce and custody battles and believing she will never be loved by a man again. She remembers the friends who betrayed her and the ones who just silently left unexpectedly. She feels all of the times she has felt fat and ugly and stupid and annoying.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And she considers giving up. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But she keeps going because she believes there is still life on the other side. </span><br />
<br />
When they finally make it to the other side, she looks to the woman and realizes this woman is now holding her.<br />
<br />
And she realizes that although God did not stop the pain, He placed them there together to ease the burden of going through this alone.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Their pain was different but it didn't matter. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Whether for today or for the rest of their lives, they belonged to each other. </span><br />
<br />
Because although hurt people have the potential to hurt other people, <b>they also have the potential to help other people. </b><br />
<br />
And in the midst of this excruciating pain, they had chosen to help each other.<br />
<br />
It isn't over.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It may never be fully over.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">But as the days pass, her wounds begin to heal. </span><br />
<br />
And although she looks over the horizon and sees many mountains ahead, she knows she can move them. She knows that God will not leave her in the middle of a storm, even when she tries to convince herself that He does.<br />
<br />
She knows she can keep going. And that along the way, she will find others to help. And in return, she will find them carrying her when she needs to be carried.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Because she understands that everyone has pain. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Everyone needs someone. </span><br />
<br />
<b>And we belong to each other.<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8180362329965408820.post-31317042956050941952017-10-26T13:30:00.000-07:002017-10-26T13:30:01.900-07:00Hello.<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>I went private for five months. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Someday I might tell you why. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>But today is not that day. </i></span></div>
<br />
I miss it here.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I miss the familiarity of writing my thoughts here. </span><br />
<br />
And today I decided that I am not going to let my fears dictate what I want to do.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">And so I will write. </span><br />
<br />
My anxiety has been rocky the past 4-5 months but I am starting to feel like myself again.<br />
In the midst of my anxiety issues, I did something amazingly brave and applied for a second job so now I'm teaching dance again. I had taken a year off purposefully and when that year mark hit, I saw an opening and prayed about it.<br />
<i>Oh. My. Gosh. I prayed about it. </i><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Because I didn't want to put more stress on our family. </span><br />
But it worked out beautifully and I started teaching two weeks before Yaya left our home.<br />
<br />
My anxiety tells me that I'll eventually do something to screw this up. It always tells me that. But I'm learning to ignore those thoughts because <b>a past bad experience does not dictate a future experience</b>.<br />
<br />
And sometimes future experiences end up being really beautiful so it would be a shame to cower down just because of the past. <i>{lifelessonnumberthreethousandandtwentytwo} </i><br />
<br />
I also turned the big 3-0. And the next day, I gave a talk in church for the first time in ten years. As intimidating as that was, it ended up being a really great experience. <i>(refer to the above life lesson)</i><br />
<br />
<br />
Hayley is still dancing and is growing up before my eyes. She moved up to company in June and now dances/competes a lot more. I keep expecting her to get tired of dancing because she still seems so young but day in and day out, she tells me she is <b><i>never </i></b>quitting dance. Her transition to the new school was actually very smooth and she has made a few new friends and is loving 4th grade.<br />
<br />
Andersen just turned 8 and is currently in the middle of his soccer season. He says he is going to join hip hop in January because, in his words, <i>"I'm just so good at it and I think the studio needs me"</i>. He was baptized last weekend and in true Andersen fashion, stood up on the pew and started doing the chicken dance for the entire congregation.<br />
<br />
<br />
If it hasn't ever been clear before, I truly love my kids. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done. And although I sometimes feel as though I'm failing my children, lately I've been feeling like I'm killin' it at this mom gig.<br />
<br />
I've been feeling more like my old self. Pre-2013 Suzanne. Pre-divorce Suzanne. Pre-anxiety disorder Suzanne.<br />
I haven't decorated for holidays in a few years {except for Christmas} <i>until this year.</i> I haven't home-made Halloween costumes in a few years <i>until this year.</i> I have had zero desire to cook meals for our family <i>until this year</i>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I am not whole but I am definitely getting there. </span><br />
<br />
So welcome back inside a glimpse of my world, friends.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I missed it here. </span>Suzanne Janettehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15061766908613438170noreply@blogger.com0