2018

Wow.

2017. 

As a whole, I hated this year. But that's mainly because of a bigger picture issue that started in May/June.

When I really think about it, 2017 wasn't half bad. 

Hayley was baptized in January.
I graduated from ASU with a bachelors degree!
We dove into foster care with our sweet Yaya and since then, have been taking a break due to the 'bigger picture' issues mentioned above. But hopefully, 2018 will bring with it more children into our home that need us.
Hayley chopped almost ALL of her hair off!
Hayley also made Company at her dance studio.
I started teaching dance again in July at the same studio.
We were surprised and blessed with a new van in July---and with it, a stability that was something I hadn't even realized would bring so much comfort to my heart.
Andersen was baptized in October.
Andersen also landed an ensemble role in The Lion King play and will perform at the end of January.
We were able to go to Carlsbad twice.
Andersen tested into the 94th percentile nationally in reading and writing at school.
Hayley got her aerial and a round-off back handspring (and she's super close to her back tuck)!
I got to spend this second half of the year focusing on my kids while taking a break from my schooling.

So many amazing blessings came to our family this year. 

And it truly would've been a near-perfect year without those dumb 'bigger picture issues' clouding my brain and making this year feel darker than it actually was.

I have had moments of doubt and despair this year, as I've considered how our family situation will change in 2018. I have let fear and anger control me and have relied on my family and friends to talk me through those hardest moments where I don't feel like I can continue to be brave.

But through it all, I am stronger. Through it all, I am learning so much about myself.

And because I want to have gratitude for the good intertwined in those darkest hours, here are some things that the 'bigger picture issues' have taught me: 

I have kept my 2017 goal of being more present with my children. I have tried to make this year a year of making memories, teaching/practicing patience, listening more and talking less. I have realized just how precious every moment with my children is and have tried so hard not to take our time together for granted.

I have grown closer to my parents and have a deeper sense of appreciation for everything they do to support our family. I have felt the love they have for me and for my children in a completely new way this year.

I have learned more than ever how to deal with my anxiety. I definitely still have panic attacks. I definitely still get knocked down with feelings of fear. And I definitely still thank God for the creation of Zoloft. But I have learned how to help those feelings leave quicker. I have learned to talk myself down when I am scared about the future and I have learned how to stand up for what I believe in, no matter how scary it feels.

I have prayed more and have drawn closer to my Heavenly Father---knowing that if there is not a good outcome when all of these 'bigger picture issues' are decided, I will need to rely on Him to help me through.


I was praying a few weeks ago about what my next steps should be in life. I wondered if God was going to give me something to focus on in 2018 like He has in the past. Because this is certainly shaping up to be a big year and it is starting with our family facing some significant challenges.

I didn't want to pick another synonym for "brave", although that was exactly what I needed in years past and is honestly something I still remind myself of daily. I wanted it to be something different, something with a more clear purpose. I wanted to be able to set a goal with a path that I could work on periodically throughout the year.

He didn't answer me right then but a few days later, after speaking with a family member, I knew exactly what I needed to focus on in 2018. I knew what path I needed to follow, a path I had been avoiding for years because I was scared of the final outcome and honestly wasn't sure I could succeed in finishing.


The word I've chosen for 2018 is
Forgiveness. 

I have decided to start the LDS church's 12-step program and really dive into those pieces of my life that are still painful and have not been easy to let go.
I've attended these addiction recovery meetings before but only ever as an ex-wife needing support. I have never attended them while having my main focus be how I can improve and let go of the past.
*And although it might sound weird to start an addiction recovery program when I want to focus on forgiveness, the LDS's 12-step program is so much deeper than just recovering from an addiction. It is for everyone. And I have faith that if I work this program through all 12 steps, my life will be changed for the better.


Although I have been adamant over and over that I have forgiven my ex-husband for leaving our family, I think I've always held onto this tiny piece of anger that still flares up from time to time.
Yes, what my ex-husband did was hurtful and traumatic for myself and for our children. And I think I've been afraid that if I don't hold onto some piece of anger toward him, everything that I went through during our divorce would be negated.

And those painful memories are ones that are almost sacred to me. They teach me and remind me and they were very real. And I have always been worried that if I down-play everything that's happened in the past 10 years, I'll just be left with being the crazy single mom who has anxiety.

So I'm working to truly forgive and let go of all of the hurt surrounding my marriage and divorce.

I have also been holding on to some deep-rooted hurt feelings toward a group of people whom I used to call friends. Mostly for the same reasons---if I let go of those feelings, is it like they never happened in the first place? Because some of those traumatic events left me feeling worthless and completely devastated.

I had a really painful experience this past week that revolved around those friendships ending and I realized just how much I need to let that go because the only person it is hurting now is me.

Super profound, right?
{You'd think by now I'd just trust the things I was taught as a young child in Sunday School...}

But I think the person I need to forgive more than anyone else is myself.

Because in both of these situations, and in many others, I have made decisions that were not the best ones I could've made. I hurt people---and I hate hurting people.

I let fear or anger or hurt feelings drive my decisions in how I handled the situations I was put in.

And that is not the type of person I want to be.

I've blamed myself for ignoring red flags, not knowing better, being young and naive, not being good enough, not being compassionate enough, etc. And when I find myself in darkness, it is easy to hate myself and blame all of the hard things in my life on my decisions and actions.

I hold a lot of anger toward myself and most of the time, I don't even realize it. So in 2018, I'm going to dig in and figure out how to let that all go. Because I deserve to be treated well and loved---especially by the person staring back at me in the mirror.


On top of forgiving, I have a few other goals I'd like to be accountable to.

Although I improved this past year in some areas, I lacked in others.

I made a goal to be more organized and that one became a joke as I struggled just to deal with my anxiety. So because I am praying the end to those anxious feelings will come in a week or two, I am re-making the goal to be more organized. I want my house to feel like our home more than it ever has before. I want it to be cozy and calm and inviting of the Spirit. I want less chaos and more peace.
Going along with that, I am going to cook more this year. I did amazingly well this past year and cooked more than I ever have before (which was still am embarrassingly low number) and this year, I plan on showing my kids that the natural question is actually "What are we going to eat for dinner?" and not "Where are we going to eat for dinner?" . 
I made a goal in 2017 to attend the temple once a month and that did not happen. In fact, about mid-February, I pulled the reigns back on the religion thing and then started to ease myself into it from there. Because going back to a religion I left was harder than I had anticipated it would be. But it's now been a year and I'm pushing along each and every day. So 2018---more temple attendance. Because I like that place.
And going along with that goal, I am making a goal to keep asking questions in 2018. Because it seems that when I stop asking questions, my testimony gets halted and stagnant. I want 2018 to be a strong year and so, when I don't understand something or agree with it, I will speak up and ask the people I trust to help me better understand this church I love so much.

2018 is going to be a good year because I plan on making it a good year. 

I have already proven to myself that I am capable of greatness this year and I plan to continue that throughout the year.


As a last sidenote, if you were a part of our lives in 2017, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. We were so blessed and supported this past year and really felt the prayers and strength you gave to us when we needed it most.

Christmas After Divorce

Christmas has always been my very favorite holiday---second only to my own birthday and my children's birthdays.

I love giving gifts.
I love how the world just seems brighter in December.
I love how religion gets simpler and the majority of religions focus on the same thing---the birth of our Savior.

It's a beautiful time of year.

But then you throw divorce into the equation and some of the Christmastime beauty is tarnished.

It just is.

Because after divorce, you have to give up part of your holiday time with your own children.

And that is the worst feeling.

I used to have this irrational picture in my head of us still spending Christmases together to give ourselves and our kids a sense of normalcy. But that wasn't well received and then I felt crazy for even bringing it up.

And it doesn't matter how many Christmases pass---I don't think I'll ever get used to it.
Maybe it'll be easier if I ever remarry and am not completely alone.
Or maybe when my kids get older, it'll be easier.

But because I have two littles who still believe in Santa and the magic of Christmas, it's hard to give them up.


A few days ago, I found out I won't get to see my kids on Christmas. And I found out there was nothing I could do about that decision.

And I'm a little angry but mostly heartbroken because I didn't have time to prepare myself for that. Three weeks isn't long enough---I swear, it isn't---to let it sink in that I won't be with the babies on December 25th, 2017.

And really, that just comes as one last punch in the stomach for a year that I have found to be incredibly difficult.

I'm trying to let it go. 

I'm trying to remember that the 25th of December is just a day and that we can make any other day of the year as magical as that day.

I'm trying not to be bitter. About divorce. About the events of this year regarding divorce.

But that is proving to be extremely difficult. 


Divorce {with kids} is truly the worst. It bleeds into everything. It makes easy decisions harder. And it makes harder decisions nearly impossible.


But I've made it through four years of harder Christmases and I don't plan on giving up now.

Rise Above It

I realize I'm guilty of not rising above certain conflicts in my life.

When I think about that word that I picked for 2017, I imagine the definition to be something similar to "being the bigger person" or "letting go of pride" or "rising above fears".

And I have wholeheartedly tried to implement that word into my life this year. 

'Tried' being the keyword. 

Let's get real here---we can all be really stupid sometimes. Really. Stupid.
And it's HARD to "be the bigger person" when someone is acting like an idiot.

Every bone in my body consists of sarcasm sprinkled with a hint of impatience. iknowright?

And I've let my impatience get the best of me many times. I've taken my sarcasm way too far.
But the worst one---the one I'm trying so hard to fix---is letting my fears dictate whether I will rise above a situation.

This one seems to be the least controllable, although it is absolutely still possible to control.

Maybe it's my anxiety or maybe it's just my hyper-sensitivity to controlling my own path but when fear gets involved, I am not always the nicest person. On the inside, I start to panic and it portrays on the outside as impatience and intolerance.

I'm not proud of this.

But it still happens sometimes.

I've been feeling a lot of this lately while dealing with some stuff. You know, that annoying type of stuff that may cause someone to shut down their blog for five months out of fear. The type of stuff you're not ready to post about because you're still in the thick of it and you don't want to end up making the situation worse.

That kind of stuff. theworstkindofstuff 

FEAR is the absolute worst. And it can be debilitating at times.

I am SO MUCH  a planner. Our schedule is wild and crazy but it is organized. I thrive on our crazy, busy life.

So when I don't know what the future holds and I can't even see a glimpse, I start to let fear control the way that I react.

And ironically /exceptnotsoironically/ this does not help.

It just does not help!

Reacting in a negative way does not change the things happening. It just makes the build up feel worse, which in turn makes the actual reaction feel worse.

So letting fear win actually makes things worse.


Rise. Above.

I'm glad I chose the specific word RISE for 2017.

Because it turns out that RISE was the exact thing I needed to learn.

I've had moments this year where I thought I'd be better off abandoning the whole church thing all together because I was letting fear control me.

I've had moments where I almost didn't choose bravery---new job, divorce stuff, dating---because I was listening to my fears.

But for the most part this year, although it has not been easy, I have risen.

And I didn't abandon everything and run away like I've wanted to.

Five months ago, I faced one of the scariest days of this year and I so badly wanted to give up.

But I faced my fears head on and I'm trying to practice kindness instead of continuing to let those fears consume me.

Lately it seems to be working. A few times over the past five months, it did NOT work.


But I'll get up and keep trying.

Because that is the true definition of rising.


Rising does not mean being perfect and getting it right the first time. To me, it means getting up over and over again after failing and never giving up.

So that's the plan for the rest of the year and leading into 2018.
And I guess it should be the plan for the rest of my life. 

Rise. 

Hello.

I went private for five months. 

Someday I might tell you why. 

But today is not that day. 

I miss it here.

I miss the familiarity of writing my thoughts here. 

And today I decided that I am not going to let my fears dictate what I want to do.

And so I will write. 

My anxiety has been rocky the past 4-5 months but I am starting to feel like myself again.
In the midst of my anxiety issues, I did something amazingly brave and applied for a second job so now I'm teaching dance again. I had taken a year off purposefully and when that year mark hit, I saw an opening and prayed about it.
Oh. My. Gosh. I prayed about it. 
Because I didn't want to put more stress on our family. 
But it worked out beautifully and I started teaching two weeks before Yaya left our home.

My anxiety tells me that I'll eventually do something to screw this up. It always tells me that. But I'm learning to ignore those thoughts because a past bad experience does not dictate a future experience.

And sometimes future experiences end up being really beautiful so it would be a shame to cower down just because of the past. {lifelessonnumberthreethousandandtwentytwo} 

I also turned the big 3-0. And the next day, I gave a talk in church for the first time in ten years. As intimidating as that was, it ended up being a really great experience. (refer to the above life lesson)


Hayley is still dancing and is growing up before my eyes. She moved up to company in June and now dances/competes a lot more. I keep expecting her to get tired of dancing because she still seems so young but day in and day out, she tells me she is never quitting dance. Her transition to the new school was actually very smooth and she has made a few new friends and is loving 4th grade.

Andersen just turned 8 and is currently in the middle of his soccer season. He says he is going to join hip hop in January because, in his words, "I'm just so good at it and I think the studio needs me". He was baptized last weekend and in true Andersen fashion, stood up on the pew and started doing the chicken dance for the entire congregation.


If it hasn't ever been clear before, I truly love my kids. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done. And although I sometimes feel as though I'm failing my children, lately I've been feeling like I'm killin' it at this mom gig.

I've been feeling more like my old self. Pre-2013 Suzanne. Pre-divorce Suzanne. Pre-anxiety disorder Suzanne.
I haven't decorated for holidays in a few years {except for Christmas} until this year. I haven't home-made Halloween costumes in a few years until this year. I have had zero desire to cook meals for our family until this year.

I am not whole but I am definitely getting there. 

So welcome back inside a glimpse of my world, friends.
I missed it here. 

I Graduated

I graduated from ASU. 

I now have a bachelors degree in Human and Family Development.

And although my job status has not changed nor will it changed for another few years, the fact that I have that bachelors degree and that a huge piece of my career goals are finished is such a big deal!

College has not been an easy task for me. 

I originally signed up for classes in 2006 after graduating high school. I took one semester of classes at the community college and then I got engaged and dropped out in the middle of my second semester so that I could work full time while my fiance/husband went to school full time.

Then in 2013, after months of marriage counseling with my then-husband, I decided I wanted to go back to school and become a marriage therapist. I signed up for night classes so my husband could be home with the kids during my schooling.

It was going to be perfect. 

And then after ONE week of college classes, my husband and I separated. So instead of night classes being perfect, they ended up being horrible because my kindergartner had to stay up until 10pm on school nights at her dad's house before I could go pick her up and get her to sleep for the night.

So in January of 2014, I signed up for classes during the day and my mom watched Andersen and my best friend kept Hayley after half-day kindergarten.

In August of 2014, Andersen started preschool and I decided to take 2 classes at the college and 2 classes online so that I wouldn't have to use as many babysitters. But then I decided to go back to work so I ended up relying on babysitters three days a week for my little man anyway.

In August of 2015, I started full time at Arizona State University in an online program.

And for the past two years, that is what I've been doing. 

Online school was extremely difficult for me. My ADHD made it really difficult to study on my own and get my work done on time.

I graduated with my bachelors degree with an embarrassingly low GPA. Lower than I've ever had before.

But I persevered through years of hard times---times where I truly wanted to give up and just quit school because it was taking time away from my children and my sleep schedule and my sanity.

And it was absolutely worth it!


A million times THANK YOU to everyone who picked up where I lacked these past four years. To the babysitters, moral supporters, people who participated in my projects, etc. I truly could not have succeeded without all of the support we received and continue to receive. 

2017

2016.

One of the most growing years I've had without really difficult challenges accompanying it.

This year was one of the most positive ones I've had since becoming an adult.

And I owe that all to my Heavenly Father. 

It's funny because, for years, I've begged Him for a break, a longer period of calm after the storm. Because although I recognize that He hasn't thrown all of my trials at me, I also have faith that He has the power to take my trials away.
And each time I was faced with a big one, I'd think, "Really? Didn't I ask for a break? Why oh why can't it just be calm for a while?" 

So while it hasn't just been a completely easy year, it was much calmer than the previous ones.

2016. 

The year I practiced authenticity and focused on my confidence. 

This part was difficult. Self-confidence does not come naturally to me. I've struggled with my body image since I was a child and this past year was no different.
But with everything these past few years have put me through, I can sit here and tell you that I CHOSE to ignore the eating disorder lies more days than not. I CHOSE to talk to myself more positively than I've ever done in the past.
My body and I may not always be friends---I might really struggle to like her---but I also realize that God created me in this body for a reason and that health, for me, needs to involve more positive talk and less hate.
And I believe I am finally at a point where I can start working on that more. 

2016. 

The year I finished three more semesters at Arizona State University. 

This year, my grades were not great. I struggled a lot, especially this past semester. Senioritis is a real thing. But I also finished 12 classes. I took numerous tests, wrote what felt like a million discussion board posts, and finished multiple research papers.
Juggling my school and home life was a major challenge for me but you guys, I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE SEMESTER!
And I am going to successfully finish this last semester and graduate in May. 

2016. 

The year I learned more about the Bible and tried to stay true to what God wanted for me. 

'Tried' being the keyword.
There were times I fell off that path, where God wasn't really a major part of my decision making processes. There were times I woke up in the morning after making childish choices the night before and wondered what the heck I was doing.
I wasn't always following God's path---but instead trying to fit Him into my path.

And I believe that is the reason this has all happened so quickly. 

I believe I was supposed to learn certain things outside of the LDS church. I believe there were experiences and church services I was supposed to be a part of to teach me more about myself and about what I believe this life is about.

I believe I am a better Suzanne because of the religious decisions I've made in the past two years.
I have learned so much outside of my comfort zone and that has made me more confident in my every day choices.

And a major key in choosing confidence and authenticity for 2016 had to do with religion. 

People would ask me why I had left or what I believed and it scared me to answer. I hated answering those questions. I felt so inadequate, as I've often felt when it comes to religion.
So when I decided that I was going to be an authentic Suzanne, I made a decision to answer questions more honestly, more confidently, and also opening myself up to listen to the other sides of those conversations.

I've had conversations with Mormons who expressed their opinions of non-denominational Christianity.
I've also had conversations with non-denominational Christians who have expressed their opinions of Mormons.

Both of these conversation types have brought me to a stronger foundation of who I am and what I believe.

2016. 

The year I finished 30 hours of PS-MAPP courses to become a licensed foster parent. 

This was another call from God, one I had felt compelled to seek out years ago but never felt like the timing was right.
This year, the timing was right. 
And in the near future, my licensing should be complete.

This choice was not decided upon lightly and it has not been an easy journey. I have prayed so much about this decision that will alter our family dynamic.
But after everything my Heavenly Father has done for me, I am not going to argue with Him just because I am scared.

Because---confidence. 

I almost backed out of this process earlier in the year because the thought of opening my home to more children and potentially being blamed or scrutinized by the state or others involved in the process was more than I thought I could handle.
But God just kept bringing it up---and when I finally made the call to start my license, everything fell into place smoother than it ever should have.

I also held off on this for a while because I was worried it would interfere with my single/dating life---which is just downright hilarious because that part of my life is non-existent. But I worried about this for a while and prayed about it before realizing that I am not going to put my life on hold for greater things just because I am single.
I'd be happy to be dating but I'm also happy right now.

And I won't be sitting around waiting for my life to change before doing what God wants me to be doing.

If He tells me I need to stop or that I am needed elsewhere, I'll listen and obey that call.

But for now, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

2016 was one for the books.
It was positive and authentic and scary at times. It was full of spiritual and emotional growth.

And a few weeks ago, as I was considering what I wanted to work on in 2017, a new song by Danny Gokey came on the radio that impressed upon me my word for this coming year.

There's a brokenness inside of you
There's a wound that still reminds you
Of the fear, shame and rejection 
You have seen it, you have seen it

You know it's time to get up
But your heart's paralyzed, you're so stuck
You're past the point of trying again
You're defeated, you're defeated

But something inside you can't deny
You hear the call of your creator
I made you for more, unlocked the door
I wanna restore your glory

So rise
Breaking the dark, piercing the night
You're made to shine
An army of hope
Bringing the world
A radiant light
A radiant light
You were made to rise

Lift your head and look around you
See the dreams you lost, they have found you
And the heart that once was beating
Is coming back to life
Coming back to life

Shut the door on yesterday
Leave what happened in the grave
You were made to rise
You were made to shine
Creations longing for the day
For kings and queens to take their place
You were made to rise
You were made to shine

Rise
Breaking the dark
Piercing the night
Made to shine
Bring the world
A radiant light


As I listened to the words in this song, I knew what my word for 2017 would be.

Rise. 

Because although I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be, there is still so much to do.

There is still so much growth ahead. 

And I will rise above the negativity and the anxiety. I will rise above the impatience and the laziness.

I will fight for myself, for my children, and for the people that I love. 

When I am needed, I will rise. When I am called upon, I will rise.

This year, both of my children will be baptized and I have made a goal to attend a temple session every month. This is a goal I made when speaking with God last month. I promised Him that if He would guide me through 2017, I would do everything in my power to plant myself firmly in His gospel.
I am scared---but I don't make promises lightly and this is important to me. 

I did this a few years ago, before leaving the church, and it was one of the most positive experiences I've had.

This year, I made a goal to cook more, become more organized, and be more present with my children.
They need me. So much, they need me. And when they need me most, I want to be available.

This is the year that I rise above the negativity and the fear that grips me so often and become a more loving and patient Suzanne.

I believe I am capable of so much and I plan on continuing to learn and grow.