I realize I'm guilty of not rising above certain conflicts in my life.
When I think about that word that I picked for 2017, I imagine the definition to be something similar to "being the bigger person" or "letting go of pride" or "rising above fears".
And I have wholeheartedly tried to implement that word into my life this year.
'Tried' being the keyword.
Let's get real here---we can all be really stupid sometimes. Really. Stupid.
And it's HARD to "be the bigger person" when someone is acting like an idiot.
Every bone in my body consists of sarcasm sprinkled with a hint of impatience. iknowright?
And I've let my impatience get the best of me many times. I've taken my sarcasm way too far.
But the worst one---the one I'm trying so hard to fix---is letting my fears dictate whether I will rise above a situation.
This one seems to be the least controllable, although it is absolutely still possible to control.
Maybe it's my anxiety or maybe it's just my hyper-sensitivity to controlling my own path but when fear gets involved, I am not always the nicest person. On the inside, I start to panic and it portrays on the outside as impatience and intolerance.
I'm not proud of this.
But it still happens sometimes.
I've been feeling a lot of this lately while dealing with some stuff. You know, that annoying type of stuff that may cause someone to shut down their blog for five months out of fear. The type of stuff you're not ready to post about because you're still in the thick of it and you don't want to end up making the situation worse.
That kind of stuff. theworstkindofstuff
FEAR is the absolute worst. And it can be debilitating at times.
I am SO MUCH a planner. Our schedule is wild and crazy but it is organized. I thrive on our crazy, busy life.
So when I don't know what the future holds and I can't even see a glimpse, I start to let fear control the way that I react.
And ironically /exceptnotsoironically/ this does not help.
It just does not help!
Reacting in a negative way does not change the things happening. It just makes the build up feel worse, which in turn makes the actual reaction feel worse.
So letting fear win actually makes things worse.
I'm glad I chose the specific word RISE for 2017.
Because it turns out that RISE was the exact thing I needed to learn.
I've had moments this year where I thought I'd be better off abandoning the whole church thing all together because I was letting fear control me.
I've had moments where I almost didn't choose bravery---new job, divorce stuff, dating---because I was listening to my fears.
But for the most part this year, although it has not been easy, I have risen.
And I didn't abandon everything and run away like I've wanted to.
Five months ago, I faced one of the scariest days of this year and I so badly wanted to give up.
But I faced my fears head on and I'm trying to practice kindness instead of continuing to let those fears consume me.
Lately it seems to be working. A few times over the past five months, it did NOT work.
But I'll get up and keep trying.
Because that is the true definition of rising.
Rising does not mean being perfect and getting it right the first time. To me, it means getting up over and over again after failing and never giving up.
So that's the plan for the rest of the year and leading into 2018.
And I guess it should be the plan for the rest of my life.