For The Past Four Years...

For the past four years, life has looked so different. 

At the end of 2020, weeks after closing my foster care license and months after my last post on this blog where I was struggling with feelings of isolation and heartache, I signed into a dating app that I'd had on my phone for a few years (but had truly given up on and hadn't checked in a LONG time) and saw this wordy (😂) message from a guy that couldn't possibly be real. 

He didn't just start with "Hey, how's your day?" but wrote at least two paragraphs, asking me specific questions from my profile and telling me a little about himself. 

Maybe that sounds weird but because of the effort put into that message, I decided to write back. 

Since that day, I don't know if there has been a day that we haven't spoken with each other in some way.  

It started with long messages back and forth. 

It turned into dates. 

It turned into an engagement. 

And then it turned into a marriage in April of 2022. 

Because Nixon was only 2 years old when he met Chase, he doesn't really remember life before having him as a dad. 

And although we haven't ever officially started that adoption process between the two of them, it is on our list of things to do this year. ;) 

But today, as I was driving Nixon to swim team and then church camp, all I could think about was writing down how I've felt for the past four years. 

When Chase and I started dating, he asked me what was most important to me if we chose to pursue a future together. 

And anytime he asked, the answer stayed the same. 

Stability. 

I just wanted stability for myself and my three babies. 

I had proven to myself that I could live this single mom life forever, if needed, so having someone enter our lives would need to be stable and worth it for everyone involved. 

And for the past four years, I've felt so much stability. 

It didn't always feel that way. 

Not every day has been rainbows and butterflies, like I imagined it would be. 

I was definitely naive to what a blended family meant. 

We hit a lot of bumps that first year. We almost called it quits because for a while, that seemed like it might be better for the kids. Introducing a new father figure to pre-teens was A LOT harder than any of us thought. 

The older kids embraced Chase almost right away and I think we jumped in too fast because we had all waited so long for someone to come along and "save" us. 

It turns out, nobody needed to be saved. 

We were already complete without him. 

And maybe if we had realized that, we would've set different expectations for what it would mean to have Chase in our lives. 

Chase is a wonderful dad. 

The fact that he wanted to jump in headfirst and parent all three kids and has refused to use the word "step" when referring to our children, unless they refer to themselves as such, has been one of the biggest reasons we have succeeded in figuring out how to blend everyone's lives together. 

And with his willingness to learn and grow alongside the four of us, the word stability has grown into something I've taken for granted at times. 

It's not that we didn't have a great life before. 

Honestly, I've worked my ass off to give my kids what they needed and even wanted out of life as much as possible. 

I've always worked two jobs and for a while, I worked three, so that Hayley could pursue her dreams of being a competitive dancer and Andersen could golf or dance or do whatever his amazing heart desired. 

And life isn't all about material things - trust me, I get that - but today's driving thoughts were prompted by my brain deciding to reminisce on the years of anxiety over car repairs, insurance payments, rent payments, etc. because I had just opened a bunch of bills before picking Nixon up from church camp. 

I've spent a lot of my adult life feeling anxiety anytime I need to pay a bill, even if the money was there and we were doing fine, because it was all on me. 

And for the past four years, I've been able to heal a lot of that financial anxiety because of Chase. 

In fact, a week after getting engaged, Chase and I put money down on a beautiful home that we built for over a year and were able to move into about 6 months after we got married. 

Then when Hayley was getting her license last year, we went out and bought a brand-new EV car for me to drive so that she could drive Chase's old car. 

All of these things were new experiences for me that I wouldn't have been able to have on my own. 

(You know, because of my teaching salary and what not...😜)

And honestly, if nothing else shows you how much Chase loves and sacrifices for us, the guy willingly stuck himself with the MINIVAN so that I could drive the brand-new car around town. 😂

Four years ago, Chase was a never-married bachelor, probably living his best financial life, driving a car he loved, and spending a lot of time playing video games and chillin' at coffee shops with friends. 

Four years later, he is driving a minivan around town, probably stressing about how damn expensive these kids can be and giving up his video game time if the kids want or need something. 

I do feel like he got the short end of the stick in this deal but anytime I ask, he assures me he chose this life and that he loves it. 

So here we are, four years later, living a life that feels much more stable. 

I don't sign into the bank account multiple times a day to make sure nothing has changed and I don't even pay most of the bills because my guy does most of that for us. I still work two jobs, teaching dance and teaching high school, and lucky for me, they are both jobs that I love. I no longer work them both out of necessity and that helps me to feel A LOT less pressure. 

Hayley is about to start her senior year of high school and she met Chase when she was in junior high. She drives, helps out so much, and is starting her first job this week. She took a break from competitive dance but now assists me most days when I'm teaching and that has been my absolute favorite! 

Andersen is going into his sophomore year of high school and was in elementary school when he met Chase. He will be learning to drive soon, has started wrestling in school, and has officially gotten taller than Hayley. 

And our sweet little Nixon boy - who accidentally met Chase as a 2-year-old because we had a date night after his bedtime and Nixon woke up and insisted on being the center of attention (Classic baby of the family...). Nixon is now going into 2nd grade where he is in a highly gifted program, he is the funniest and sassiest kid I know, and he is starting a journey on a new competitive dance team this year at the place where Hayley's love for dance originally started. Full circle moments, y'all. 

Our lives have changed so much over the past four years. 

It isn't a perfect life. 

It definitely isn't always easy. 

But for the past four years, it has been filled with more beauty than I ever could've imagined. 

I Hear You, I See You, I Love You

It's no secret that I've been struggling lately. 

I've never been able to keep secrets very well anyway. 

I've had a week to think about what I want to say in this post and how I want it to be portrayed---a week where every night, I cry myself to sleep and tears stream down my face at work and the anxiety is a knot in my throat. 

I haven't been eating well. I feel nauseous a lot of the time and can't get through full meals. And when I don't feel nauseous, I eat all of the things at once. 

Why?

Because life is hard. 

Because life doesn't always turn out how we plan it in our head. 

Because life seems so unfair sometimes. 

Last week, I was given the news that I'd have to write a letter to the First Presidency of our church, telling my point of view of my marriage, divorce, and life since then. 

THIS is a semi-outdated-but-best-I-could-do-for-tonight explanation of why I was asked to write my letter. 

Yeah.

It's been a long time since I've had a panic attack so great I thought I might not be able to physically take another breath. 

The heartache I've been dealing with since that day has surprised me. I don't know what I was expecting but I surely did not expect to feel this way. 

But instead of just focusing on my pain, I wanted to turn this story in a different direction. 

You see, for weeks I've been asking for understanding and faith and peace. And...nothing. 

And then on Sunday, I got this news and was like, "You've got to be kidding me, God! I've been praying and trying so hard to trust you and without a significant answer to my prayers, I get this phone call?! You knew this was about to happen so why didn't You send me comfort yesterday so I would've been better equipped to deal with this?" 

And...God did not answer. 

So all night on Sunday, I was a crying, shaking mess. 

I asked my dad for a Priesthood blessing and went home to get rest before work the next day. 

And when I woke up, it started. 

It started with a text early Monday morning from my foster care intake coordinator. "Your license was approved!" 

An early Monday morning reminder that God is aware of me. I have been working for six months to do everything required to get my foster care license. It has not always been easy. I have been frustrated at times. I have done hours of interviews and classes, organized and baby-proofed my home, etc. in anticipation for this and after a hard night, God knew I needed to hear that in that exact moment. 

Suzanne, I hear you. I see you. And I love you. 

On Tuesday, I decided to tour daycare centers because I had the afternoon free and knew I'd need to get things in order. I was worried I wouldn't find a center that would be DCS approved and have an opening. 

I got to the first center for a tour and within ten minutes, found out it met all of my requirements and had openings right away. I immediately felt peace. 

I hear you. I see you. And I love you. 

Wednesday, I decided to spend my evening at the Gilbert temple. I spent 3.5 hours crying and praying and reading scriptures and as I asked God to help me through this and bring me clarity, He did. 

He reminded me that He knows the plans of my life and can see the bigger picture. He reminded me that I need to have faith in Him and trust that He will carry me through my heartache. 

I hear you. I see you. And I love you. 

On Thursday, my mother came over after work. She brought me a home cooked meal and helped clean my house for two hours. We spent that time talking and/or blasting music while we worked to get my house in order before the kids came home from their dad's house. 

I hear you. I see you. And I love you. 

Friday, I had to drive to Tucson to pick up my daughter because she had dance pictures that evening. Although I've taken that drive many times in the past 5-6 years, I was not looking forward to doing it alone and also spending my one day off in the car. 

Out of the blue, a close friend of mine found out I would be taking that drive and offered to ride with me so I wouldn't be alone. 

She turned what could've been a hard afternoon into a really fun memory. 

I hear you. I see you. And I love you. 

Saturday came and I had experienced a week of miracles. I tried so hard to recognize the many beautiful events from the week to counteract how my heart was feeling but there was still so much weighing on my chest and I prayed for guidance to get through another day. 

Hayley had been begging to go out to breakfast so I took her to IHOP. 

And an hour later, I posted this on Facebook: 

"My precious girl and I went to breakfast this morning and after sitting down, a lady was seated at the table right next to us. She was by herself and kept looking over and smiling at us. 

When our food came, I began to cut up Hayley's pancakes when the lady leaned over and said to her, "You must have the best mom in the whole world. Never forget how amazing she is." She then told me she had a daughter who is now 49 and lives all the way in Baltimore.

She told us her name is Mary and we gave her our names. Throughout the meal, we would have little conversations but mostly, she seemed to just be observing my relationship with my daughter and smiling at us.

When we went up front to pay for our food, Mary had already left but waiting for us was the news that she had paid for our food and left us a sweet note on the receipt.

"Thank you for sharing your mother day and daughter day with me. Mary."

As I sat in that restaurant and began to cry, it hit me so hard how much God is aware of us.
Mary doesn't know I'm a single mother of two. She doesn't know how difficult this week has been for me. She doesn't know my anxieties and insecurities and how much I pray to not feel so lonely. But God knows. And today, Mary listened to that prompting and was able to be our angel, to remind us how loved we are.

So thank you, Mary. You have made such a difference in my life with your kindness." 

Saturday was my long-awaited turning point. It was the day I could no longer excuse the hand of God in every measure of my life throughout the week. It was the day I came home and just wept that He had shown me grace in such a significant way. 

Although I've asked him to take away my heartache and He hasn't, God has shown me that His love is neverending and that I just need to keep my focus on Him and not on the millions of outside worries I have. 

This week has been incredible in so many ways. 

In fact, it's kind of an odd feeling because I feel like I'm still fighting to remember God and not go to a very dark place while at the same time, I feel like I've recognized God more than ever before in my life. 

The miracles I've witnessed have not completely dissipated the anxiety or the heartache or even the anger I've been struggling with. But they have made it so I don't stay down for as long as I normally would. 

I feel like I'm screaming like a five year old, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And then I hear my dad's voice saying, "Well, life isn't fair, Suzanne." 

(Solid parenting advice---I use those same words on my kids almost daily)

I've been trying to catch myself as I start to fall into that pit of "It's not fair" or "I'm doing the job of two and am all alone at the end of the day" or "I didn't do anything to deserve this and now I'm the one suffering" and bring myself out because what I've found is that at the bottom of that pit is nothing but misery. 

And when I'm able to pull myself out of that pit, I find a much brighter world filled with thoughts like "I have almost put myself through school as a single mother" or "My children are doing such amazing things in their lives" or "I am HAPPY and ACTIVE at church these days" or "I have so many people in my life who love me" or "I get to be with my kids so much of the time right now" or a million other positive thoughts about how my life is so blessed and I am so loved and God is so good. 

My days are so up and down right now but I am trying. 

I am fighting and learning and trying so hard to be the best possible me when I walk out the door each day. 

And I think that's what matters most, especially right now. I think it's ok to not be overly peppy or serving others or smiling like I might do on a more normal basis. 

I'm doing the best I can right now. 

God knows it and I know it. 

And for me, in this moment, that is the biggest miracle of all. 

PS: If you're wondering about my encounter with our angel, Mary, our story has been shared  over 1000 times and has been liked over 23 thousand times on the Love What Matters Facebook page and has now been written in 6-7 articles that I've found when I google myself. It certainly has been a whirlwind of a week and I feel very blessed to witness all of these miracles firsthand. 

Here are a few of the articles:

Refinery 29

Babble

Huffington Post UK 

Relief: Part One

 Relief: alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.

I have prayed for relief in many of my life's storms. 
Lately, my prayers have been geared toward loneliness and lack of companionship.

It really is hard being single and watching your friends go on Valentine's dates together and doing other things as couples.
My heart feels like it's ripping apart each time. 
It's never gotten easier---if anything, it's gotten harder. 

I've blogged about my dating woes in the past and each time, it seems like I'm met with a "you just need to be patient" or "your main focus should be your children" or some other response about how I shouldn't be focusing on these feelings.

And you know what? I'm sick of those answers. I'm absolutely sick of them.
Because they are completely apathetic and dismiss feelings that are very real for me.

Heart-achingly real. 

In six days, I 'celebrate' the anniversary of the day my marriage was severed legally.
It's been three years now. 
Three years---and I've gone on four dates since then.
And although it seems like I'm doing quite well---I'd even say that myself most days---the loneliness I experience has become a dark cloud that I have to fight each and every day.

I am so angry tonight, a feeling that I do not like at all. But anger sets in occasionally and I scream out to my Heavenly Father when life seems so unfair. And tonight, it seems extremely unfair. 

I spend my weeks giving everything I have to my children and often forget about myself.
My self-care involves choosing to relax instead of clean the house which then backfires because the house turns into a disaster and then I'm too overwhelmed to know where to start cleaning.

I keep thinking I've got the single mom thing down completely but then I look around at the messes and realize I am not taking care of everything like I should.
I am failing at so many things right now.

So many things. 

And I know you'll tell me I'm not---I'd genuinely tell you the same thing about your own life---but it often feels that way.

It feels like I'll never measure up to the expectations men have. Our culture depicts thinness as one of the most important factors when looking for a potential relationship and oh my gosh, it is so damn frustrating.
So even if I am comfortable with my body, which most of the time these days I am, it doesn't make a huge difference.
There have been times in my single life where I've thought to myself, "All I need to do is lose 50 pounds and then I'll be date-able", and that thinking is so backwards.
It's so sad that my brain even thinks that way on occasion.

But the truth is that it does. 

And I'm just trying to be truthful with you, as hard as that may be for me right now.

I have been in such a good place the past few weeks but tonight, I'm not.

Tonight I absolutely hate that I sit in this house alone each night.
I absolutely hate that every other weekend, my heart physically hurts pretty much all of Sunday but more specifically during church and at dinnertime because my two littles are gone.
I absolutely hate that the time I have to spend on dating and singles activities and relationships is almost non-existent and that their dad gets the thing I want so badly because he has 25 kidless days a month.
Tonight, I hate all of it.

And although I wouldn't change it because my kids are such an important part of my life, it is so incredibly hard.
And I'm not going to sugarcoat that because I believe it is important to talk about the crappiest of things and be open so that I'm not shutting myself off from the world and closing my heart to the beauty that does currently exist in my life.

So this is me not shutting down---even though it completely feels like me shutting down. 

Three Years

 Three.

Three years ago, on this very night, was the last time I was in a serious relationship.
And I could pinpoint many reasons for that---two kids who keep me busy, working two jobs, being in school full time, struggling with an eating disorder and my self-worth, feeling betrayed/traumatized and wondering if I could ever trust someone again, my religious shift---so, so many reasons.

So many things have changed in the past three years. 

And although I wanted to casually date, I didn't want to be in a relationship for a while.

Because I got married at 19. NINETEEN! And divorced at 26. And I found myself not knowing what I even wanted out of a relationship and on some days, I've even questioned whether I wanted another relationship. I mean, the last one wasn't a walk in a park and honestly, that's kind of how most of my relationships have been.

But here I am, almost 29 years old, and I'm ready for a relationship. And ironically, now that I'm actually trying in whatever ways I know how, the dating gods have placed nothing in my path.

And I'm sitting over here wondering whether that means I'm just supposed to keep waiting or whether there's something I'm doing wrong.

I've tried online dating and am still currently on a few online dating sites and yet, online dating is not easy for me. Because I still have trust issues and meeting complete strangers is scary even if you don't have trust issues.
Also, what's with all of the perfect bodied, shirtless, tan, rich guys on the internet? Is this REAL LIFE? Has dating really changed that much since the last time I was single? Have men changed that much since the last time I was single?

Are there still real men? 
The kind that don't say on their profile, "I'm perfect and rich. I love to travel the world. Oh and I'm looking for zero drama." 
And not that I'm a drama queen but are there really people with ZERO amounts of drama in their life? Like they've never had a bad day where they need to vent? They've never gotten in an argument with a family member or friend or gotten their feelings hurt and just need their partner to listen while they talk?

Because if you date me, you're going to need to LISTEN TO ME sometimes. I will have bad days. I will complain. I will get upset.

I don't know. Often times, online dating is a huge turn off because it seems like everyone is looking for perfection and is that even a thing unless your Jesus? Is anyone really the perfect match?

If you think you've found that, you should feel extremely lucky because I don't really believe in perfect matches. I think the majority of us have found that relationships come with compromise.

Or that they're just non-existent, as has seemed apparent in my life for the past few years.

August has been really hard for me for the past few years. 

And as I'm trying to put myself out there and look for relationships in all the right places (since the only guys I seem to have crushes on these days are not guys I can date...yippee...I'm winning at life), I have found this new level of anxiety that has followed August right through my front door.

There was a guy I was talking to a month or so ago that asked me the dreaded question that seems to lose ALL GUYS once they hear the answer. "How long has it been since your last relationship?" Because it seems that the second I tell them it's been three years, they go running for the hills.
Well, this particular guy didn't. Instead he made a worse decision and asked if that was also how long it'd been since I've been intimate and if so, HOW WAS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE because he is struggling after only a couple of months.
Does anyone else see where he ruined his future relationship chances with me?

And it is after events like the one above that make me question whether online dating is really ok for me and whether it could even work. Because are there even guys out there who are compassionate and would be willing to "take on" my situation (that contains drama) and carry on deeper conversations and love me (despite all of the disorders that like to follow me around)? Does that even exist? And if it does, would one of you be so kind as to show me where it is I'm supposed to be looking for this unicorn man?

Gosh, I'd really appreciate it.

Tomorrow isn't an easy anniversary for me and it's hard not to look back at all of the pain and be frustrated that I'm still single and have no clue how to date three years later. Wasn't I supposed to be learning those skills somewhere along this path?

Hmm. 

Three years. 
Wow.
I'd like to be cliche and say that I can't believe it's been that long but in all honesty, I can. In fact, it feels like it's been longer.
I have accomplished so much on my own in the past three years and I'm proud of every learning curve I've fought through.

This has not been easy and it will continue to have highs and lows but I am a warrior and I won't ever give up.