F I V E

FIVE. 

That number sounds so large. 

I distinctly remember Hayley turning FIVE and wondering how I was gearing up to have a Kindergartner in just a few short months. How was she old enough for that? How was I old enough for that? 

She is now in the FIFTH grade.  

And here I am, kind of kicking ass and kind of failing at this single mom thing. 

FIVE. 

My WHAM basketball jersey number all of the years I played basketball as a child, thanks to my ASU basketball idols, Eddie House and Ike Diogu. 

FIVE. 

The number of children I planned on having. Before the days where I realized you can't necessarily plan those things. 

FIVE. 

The number of years it has been since my husband left me---my d-day, if you will.

In that time, Hayley has doubled in age and Andersen is close to tripling his age. They were 5 and 3 when their dad left.

And today, that feels a bit crippling to me. It feels like, in some way, I have failed them by allowing them to grow up for the majority of their childhoods without a father figure living in our same home.

I know that isn't true. I know that I've done everything BUT fail them these past five years. I know they will someday recognize how much work I've put into keeping their lives as normal as possible.

Today is a day that I don't mind sinking a little lower than normal. It is a day I allow myself to feel the negativity.

Because five years ago today, in the early morning, I kissed my husband goodbye and sent him off to work, not knowing that that would be the last time he would tell me he loved me and have me believe it.

Five years ago, I spoke pretty directly with my Heavenly Father, as He told me to recognize how beautiful my life was---not knowing that He was preparing me for an utterly devastating heartbreak hours later.

And then five years ago, I heard the words, "I don't love you anymore." over the phone and I knew it was already over. I knew, deep down, that he was never coming back. I knew I needed to prepare to become a single mother.

I just knew.

The words "I think we need a separation" were no different than if he had said, "I filed for divorce" because my gut told me he wasn't coming home.

It's been five years since my world completely shifted. And when it did, I became a completely new person.

If you were to ask me now whether I'd choose to go back and do things differently, I'd tell you no. I wouldn't. Because I know that my marriage was supposed to happen. And I know that my divorce does not negate how right my marriage was. 

In turn, I don't know if I feel right about saying that my divorce was part of the plan---I don't know if it was---but I do know that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me post-divorce.

I know that plan includes continuing my education and devoting the majority of my time to my children. I know that plan includes so many deep friendships and taking in children who may live in my home for a month or may be here forever. I know that plan includes happiness and sadness and anxiety and more knowledge than I ever could've asked for.

The thing is, my divorce taught me a lot of stuff. 

Some of it bad---people really CAN leave deep scars by making crappy decisions.

Some of it good---you really CAN do anything you set your mind to.

In the past five years, I've wondered what life would look like now if I were still married and sadly, I can't see the same happiness I currently have. I can't picture a life with Leo in it or Hayley dancing like she does or Andersen getting the help he needs in school.

My divorce pushed me to do hard things that were the right thing. In fact, it still pushes me.

I am more patient and empathetic with the people around me and have become much more sensitive. I am not afraid to speak up about things that are wrong including pornography or abuse or being honest with the people you love. I am also not afraid to talk about my own struggles that include an eating disorder and anxiety.

I live a pretty authentic life. 

Or at least I try to. 

I try to give my anxiety it's place because heaven knows it ain't going anywhere! So I may as well embrace that it is a part of me. And my OCD and ADHD? Might as well give them their space here as well because why not?!!

Five years ago, I was living a very unhealthy life as I obsessed over my food intake and exercising. I gave my ex-husband's decision control over me because if he left me, chances were it had something to do with my imperfect body. 

And in those darkest moments of my eating disorder, I learned so much about myself as I begged for Heavenly Father to just loosen the grips my addiction had over me. I learned that I want to live a life I love, not a life the world tells me I need to be living.

I will probably never be a size 4 again. I am more overweight now than I was five years ago. And although sometimes that is still hard, the majority of my days are spent realizing how beautiful and amazing I am AS IS. Not beautiful IF I lost 50 pounds. Not beautiful IF I had less pimples or if my eyelashes were just a tad fuller. Not beautiful IF I could figure out a way to get rid of the stretch marks and the larger stomach that have accompanied my two pregnancies.

Beautiful. 
Amazing. 

As is. 

I wouldn't change the events that transpired five years ago, even if I could. Because I never would've become who I am without those hardest moments. I never would've taken as many leaps of faith.

I never would've learned just how brave and resilient I can be. 

The events from five years ago have not only shaped me but have helped me as I've walked through other dark times in my life.

I really CAN do hard things. I really, truly can.

The moments of despair and trauma I experienced five years ago have left lasting effects that I still deal with today. I am afraid of loss most of the time.

It doesn't matter how amazing things seem to be going. I can convince myself that I am about to get fired from a job where I know I'm appreciated just because my brain sends broken warning signals that tell me I'm supposed to fear the world.

BUT---I don't let that stop me. I still do the things, despite knowing there is a potential for heartache involved.

I no longer put my life on hold just because I am afraid of new experiences. 

I still get scared---and then I face my fears by allowing new experiences anyway.

Five years. 

Wow. It feels somewhat painful that it has been a whole five years and yet, in so many ways, I am beaming that we are five years out. Because trust me, I'd rather be here than where I was on this day five years ago.

I am continuously healing and growing from those awful events that happened five years ago and all I can really say today is that I am extremely grateful to be living the life I am currently living.

Because---Hayley.
Because---Andersen.
Because---Leo.
And because I like this new authentic life way more than I ever could've imagined. 

1,095 Days

February 18th.  

This is a weird day for me to remember---the day I received finalized divorce paperwork in the mail.

Because there were positive and negative feelings that accompanied that paperwork. 

The months leading up to this day held some really important decisions---decisions that caused me to feel like I was drowning.

But in the end, when I look back on those months, they actually went pretty smoothly. 

We took one morning in late November of 2013 where we sat in a room and screamed and cried and laughed and yelled with/at each other and settled on a parenting plan. We finished our divorce paperwork and split up our assets. It was done. All in one single morning.

That was a hard time for me because I felt like I was losing a piece of myself---not only with the loss of my husband but moreso in realizing I'd be without my children every other weekend and possibly losing my "stay at home mom" title.

Our divorce affected motherhood and for me, that was the lowest blow. Because now, instead of having a cohesive unit of parents who work together for them, our children have two parents with two different opinions of how they should be raised.

*picture taken two months into our separation*

I never expected it to be like this. 

In the beginning, I always expected that we would remain friends and find a new normal. I always envisioned us doing activities together---because even though we didn't love each other, we loved our two precious children.

But it isn't all rainbows and butterflies like I thought {Go figure!}. There have been major bumps in the road for our family.

I couldn't have anticipated the things that have happened. They've surprised me each and every time.

The frustrations have been at boiling points way more often than I ever expected. 

*picture taken a week after our divorce papers came in the mail*

And one of the weirdest things about divorce, for me, is growing apart from someone who had made the commitment of eternity with me.

Maybe that's why it's harder now than it was in those first 6 months. Maybe it's because we no longer know each other.

Like how he came to pick them up one day and he was wearing glasses. Or how I've been straightening my teeth with Invisalign.

It's these weird, unimportant, little things that catch me by surprise every once in a while. Because when we were married, we knew so much about each other.

And now he's just my kids' dad. 

Three years have passed since I walked through the doors of that courthouse and filed the paperwork.

We have grown up so much in that time.

I have grown up so much.

I can remember when he left, how I was so incredibly surprised and heartbroken but also how I put my armor on and quickly learned how to fight for myself and my kids.

I remember how scared I was to live alone but how I adapted to it so quickly.

More than anything, I remember how my people rallied around me.
The night I got that paperwork, I sent out a group text with some joke about being able to go on dates now (which is more of a joke now that it was even then).
But I remember as the days went on and I let it sink in, how painful it started to feel that I was divorced.

The D word. 

The word we promised never to even bring up in our marriage---because it wasn't an option.


The truth is that it was always an option. 

And when things got hard in our marriage, it seemed that one of us would fling the word out into the universe to see how it tasted.
And each time, it tasted bitter. 

Now I know why. 

Now I know why the thought of losing my husband was so bitter.

Because in the past three years, there have been more bitter moments than I can count.
There has been so much hurt and so many accusations.

Because we don't know each other anymore. 

And I think knowing each other is what used to get us through our rougher patches.

But even though a lot of it has felt bitter, the sweet has been equally outpouring. In fact, I think I'll change the word 'equally' to 'more' because I cannot see my life different than it is right now.

I mean, a husband would be nice for so many practical reasons but I have been pushed and have grown so much over the past three years.

As painful as it's been, I just don't think I would change it. Because even though we aren't friends and my visions of our divorced life did not come true, my story isn't over. And I have faith that it won't always be like this, that someday the pain and heartache will dissipate and that I'll look back and see the beautiful moments outshining any of the low moments we've had.

Three Years

 Three.

Three years ago, on this very night, was the last time I was in a serious relationship.
And I could pinpoint many reasons for that---two kids who keep me busy, working two jobs, being in school full time, struggling with an eating disorder and my self-worth, feeling betrayed/traumatized and wondering if I could ever trust someone again, my religious shift---so, so many reasons.

So many things have changed in the past three years. 

And although I wanted to casually date, I didn't want to be in a relationship for a while.

Because I got married at 19. NINETEEN! And divorced at 26. And I found myself not knowing what I even wanted out of a relationship and on some days, I've even questioned whether I wanted another relationship. I mean, the last one wasn't a walk in a park and honestly, that's kind of how most of my relationships have been.

But here I am, almost 29 years old, and I'm ready for a relationship. And ironically, now that I'm actually trying in whatever ways I know how, the dating gods have placed nothing in my path.

And I'm sitting over here wondering whether that means I'm just supposed to keep waiting or whether there's something I'm doing wrong.

I've tried online dating and am still currently on a few online dating sites and yet, online dating is not easy for me. Because I still have trust issues and meeting complete strangers is scary even if you don't have trust issues.
Also, what's with all of the perfect bodied, shirtless, tan, rich guys on the internet? Is this REAL LIFE? Has dating really changed that much since the last time I was single? Have men changed that much since the last time I was single?

Are there still real men? 
The kind that don't say on their profile, "I'm perfect and rich. I love to travel the world. Oh and I'm looking for zero drama." 
And not that I'm a drama queen but are there really people with ZERO amounts of drama in their life? Like they've never had a bad day where they need to vent? They've never gotten in an argument with a family member or friend or gotten their feelings hurt and just need their partner to listen while they talk?

Because if you date me, you're going to need to LISTEN TO ME sometimes. I will have bad days. I will complain. I will get upset.

I don't know. Often times, online dating is a huge turn off because it seems like everyone is looking for perfection and is that even a thing unless your Jesus? Is anyone really the perfect match?

If you think you've found that, you should feel extremely lucky because I don't really believe in perfect matches. I think the majority of us have found that relationships come with compromise.

Or that they're just non-existent, as has seemed apparent in my life for the past few years.

August has been really hard for me for the past few years. 

And as I'm trying to put myself out there and look for relationships in all the right places (since the only guys I seem to have crushes on these days are not guys I can date...yippee...I'm winning at life), I have found this new level of anxiety that has followed August right through my front door.

There was a guy I was talking to a month or so ago that asked me the dreaded question that seems to lose ALL GUYS once they hear the answer. "How long has it been since your last relationship?" Because it seems that the second I tell them it's been three years, they go running for the hills.
Well, this particular guy didn't. Instead he made a worse decision and asked if that was also how long it'd been since I've been intimate and if so, HOW WAS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE because he is struggling after only a couple of months.
Does anyone else see where he ruined his future relationship chances with me?

And it is after events like the one above that make me question whether online dating is really ok for me and whether it could even work. Because are there even guys out there who are compassionate and would be willing to "take on" my situation (that contains drama) and carry on deeper conversations and love me (despite all of the disorders that like to follow me around)? Does that even exist? And if it does, would one of you be so kind as to show me where it is I'm supposed to be looking for this unicorn man?

Gosh, I'd really appreciate it.

Tomorrow isn't an easy anniversary for me and it's hard not to look back at all of the pain and be frustrated that I'm still single and have no clue how to date three years later. Wasn't I supposed to be learning those skills somewhere along this path?

Hmm. 

Three years. 
Wow.
I'd like to be cliche and say that I can't believe it's been that long but in all honesty, I can. In fact, it feels like it's been longer.
I have accomplished so much on my own in the past three years and I'm proud of every learning curve I've fought through.

This has not been easy and it will continue to have highs and lows but I am a warrior and I won't ever give up.