Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Trust

I can remember being 19 years old and dating my soon-to-be-husband and thinking, "Life has been pretty messy so far---and then God gave me a perfect husband and the life I truly wanted and I won't have to struggle anymore." I would jokingly say that because my teenage years had been messy, I got through all of the "hard trials" before adulthood.

And they all just sat and laughed...

Friends, that isn't how life works.
Obviously. 
And I'm not quite sure why I even thought that was how it works.
Unless that was a subliminal message somewhere, no one ever taught me that you are only given a certain amount of trials and then you're free for the rest of forever.

But at 19, that is what I thought. And because of this, I assumed God had made me unbreakable for the rest of my life.

And then when I was 25, my husband left me.
And again, I found myself thinking, "Well, God will protect me from anything else bad happening, at least while I'm a single momma."
And He didn't! 
Life got even harder. In fact, last year life got so hard that I wished I could just get divorced again and go through that pain because at least I knew how to deal with it. Life got so hard that I contemplated taking my life. It was a huge set back for me.

I broke. 

And at first, I was angry with God for allowing this. I am a single mom, full time student, working two jobs trying to figure life out.

But I've learned that God didn't do this to me. People did.
People are really crappy sometimes---even the best people can be crappy sometimes.

And because God gave us the ability to choose our actions, He isn't the reason we struggle. In fact, He is the opposite of the reason we struggle. He is the only way we can truly heal.

A few weeks ago, in Starting Point at Mission Church, the topic was trust.
When I noticed this, I wasn't sure what I was going to feel about the lesson. Trust is something I've struggled with for a long time.

When I was married, trust was often non-existent. I had a hard time with it. I didn't understand why but I would have these stomach-churning feelings when it came to trust.
I get it now. I see the bigger picture now.
And throughout the past 2.5 years, I've often struggled to trust God. I've struggled to trust His plan for me because so far, it seems kind of screwed up.
Divorced mother of two, eating disorder, anxiety disorder, etc. {so many other things I'd like to add here that I'll leave out}---my life has been pretty shaky. Many times, earthquakes have shattered the foundations I've tried so hard to build. And throughout all of it, I've struggled with trusting God.
When life isn't as shaky, I find myself walking on eggshells. trying to make sure there are no huge fall outs or ailments that come to my family. It's scary. I have anxiety attacks pretty easily.

As I was reading the chapter from that week's lesson, I came across a quote by Ernest Hemingway that says:
"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." 
I know, it seems so simple but it hit me pretty hard.
I don't necessarily like trusting before I know if a person is worthy of that trust. I can so easily build up walls around my heart that I feel are going to protect me. I have been burned so many times by trusting people who did not deserve my trust.

But the ironic thing is that even if I don't trust God, bad things can happen. And if I do trust God, bad things can happen.

And if bad things are still going to happen, I'd much rather have Him in my corner.

If we're being honest, trusting God still isn't always easy for me. I sometimes forget the things I've learned when I'm experiencing trial-tunnel-vision.

But I try to remind myself that God will always have my back---even if I blame things on Him. He never leaves because He loves me that unconditionally.

And that is surely a beautiful thing.