Tuesday, May 30, 2017

My Purpose

1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.
2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.
3. determination; resoluteness.
4. the subject in hand; the point at issue.
5. practical result, effect, or advantage: to act to good purpose.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions about purpose lately. 

What is my purpose? Is it healthy for my purpose to be 99% focused on raising my children? Does God care how I interpret my specific purpose?

Is there a reason that I, Suzanne, was created specifically at this time, with this family, in this body, in this geographical area?

I know who created me---I guess I'm just still trying to figure out why

Is there a reason that is specific to me? Or maybe to those around me?

I think about my sweet Yaya. Why was she born into a life so different than mine? And why was I born into a life so different than so many others?

Is there a reason? Or are we just kind of scattered around and expected to learn from whatever circumstances are thrown our way?

I often wonder if I'm the exception to the rule. When they say it will work out in the end, will it really? Or is that just something people say because they don't know what the hell to say to someone who is struggling?

Or when people say that God works it all out in the afterlife, how can they know that? Maybe He doesn't. Maybe He doesn't need to.

If we say that God owes us nothing because He gave us everything, why do we feel the need to wait for Him to make up for the things we feel we have lost in our Earthly lives?

So. Many. Questions. 

I think I am learning through all of my answer-seeking that it's ok for our beliefs to be different.

You might think that everything happens for a reason and I believe that everything absolutely does not happen for a reason.

You might believe that karma is real but I can tell you that as a divorce single mom who has tried to do "all of the right things" only to watch as her ex-husband remarries and starts a whole new life with someone else that karma does not, in fact, exist in my world. In fact, most of the time, the opposite of karma seems to exist.

You might trust that things are going to get better down the road and I might be weary of that same damn road.

I'm struggling with the picture perfect answers I hear in all of the churches I've attended that promise me this or that if I live my life with the purpose God intended.

Because sometimes, I'm confused as to what that purpose even is.

I know, I know---motherhood. It's the best.

That sounds sarcastic and maybe it is a little but motherhood really is a defining role in my life and brings me a deep sense of purpose. But does it end there?

Am I really just supposed to argue with tiny humans all day and try to teach them kindness and taxi them from one place to another?

Is there more?

There has to be more.

Today I feel a little lost. Tomorrow I might not. And someday, I hope these feelings don't come around as often as they do.

But for today, I'll take my questions and consider them as deeply as I can.

And then I think I'll take a nap.

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