Thursday, April 14, 2016

Nine: Our Famiversary

I know it is weird to a lot of people how obsessed I seem to get with dates and anniversaries of things that have happened in my past.
I've always been this way. And the messiness of the past few years has seemed to heighten my obsession with certain dates through the year.

I believe it is because I'm sometimes still in shock that I've made it this far and survived another year.

Nine years ago, I got married. I wore the hugest, poofiest tulle dress. My hair was dark brown and medium length. It was straightened and half up---simple, just like most of my wedding details.

My colors were red, orange and yellow. Not maroon, burnt orange, and mustard---but bright red, orange and yellow. I've always loved sunshine and those colors make me very happy.

Nine years ago. 

I was 19.5 years old nine years ago---exactly. I got married on my half birthday.

You guys, I was so in love. I thought my world had landed on a huge bubble that would forever protect me.

Nobody told me there could potentially be huge obstacles. Nobody told me I might be choosing to battle between fighting for my husband and my own self worth. Nobody told me about addiction---that my husband could choose to lie to me even if he acted like everything was fine the majority of the time.

And should they have?
I don't know.
It wasn't any of their faults. In fact, I think throughout the past few years, my people have learned and grown with me.

At 19, I was clueless to anything other than the fact that I was in love. I didn't care about anything else. I didn't ask deep questions. I was in love and I thought love always won in the end.

And it can. Love can win. But only if both parties agree to it and fight for it.

It doesn't work as a one way street.

And we weren't both fighting for it. 

Two years ago, as I was nearing my first marriage anniversary since our divorce, I wasn't quite sure what to do. I knew I didn't want this day to be sad or negative. I wanted it to be happy.

And so we celebrated our "famiversary", my kids and I. I told them stories from our wedding and from various times throughout our marriage. I wanted them to know about the good times. And last year, we did the same thing.

This year, we were busier with dance so we were only able to squeeze in a Chik-Fil-A date today to celebrate that nine years ago, their dad and I made a decision that would bond us as a family forever, a decision that would ultimately bring them both into this world.

As I was talking with Hayley while driving today, I told her how this special day is the reason she is a part of our family. Her dad and I chose to get married and we were so excited to have a baby and without the commitment we made that day, she probably wouldn't be here in our family. And her response was, "Oh, kinda like how your first baby died and how if that didn't happen, I wouldn't be here?"
I guess I had forgotten that we'd even semi-explained miscarriage to her a year or so ago. 
Although her statement caught me off guard, it reminded me that everything really does happen in the timeline it is supposed to happen. I was devastated when I miscarried but months later, when I got pregnant with Hayley, the timing was so different and better and I am so grateful she is here with me today.

I don't regret getting married at 19 or marrying my then-husband. Those choices gave me the two most precious gifts I've ever been given.

Today was a happy day and I was able to remember some happy times from the past year.

And for that, I am sincerely grateful. 

It's still hard to believe that it's been nine whole years since that day but I have learned and grown so much in the past nine years and I am so thankful for everything the past nine years has taught me.

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