Sunday, January 10, 2016

Confidence: ASU Semester #2

You know how people comment on adorable pictures with that phrase, "All the feels"?
That was the epitome of my emotions as I read this quote the other day.

All. The. Feels.

It reminds me of that new Demi Lovato song, "Confident", that my baby girl and I jam out to pretty regularly in the car.

Confidence is not my default. In fact, it's the opposite of my default. It is a thing I believe is possible so I fight for it every day of my life.

But it does not come easy.

I get anxiety if I think too far into the future---about future relationships, my kids getting older {and me not screwing them up}, and school.
School.
I've heard how demanding the Masters of Counseling program at ASU can be. I've been told that the odds are not in my favor. At all. And sometimes I question whether I'm doing the right thing or whether I'll get to the end of all this and realize I actually couldn't do it.

I tell myself failure isn't an option but I'm pretty sure I said that same thing in the beginning stages of my marriage and in the beginning stages of every diet I've ever started.

Failure is always an option. 

And I want to have the confidence with school that I do when I'm around my tribe of people who buoy up some fierce confidence within me every time I'm around them.

I'm scared that this isn't what I want---because I would've been so damn happy being a stay-at-home-mom for my entire life. I would've. And I still would if I were given the option.

But things have changed. I've realized that I need to be prepared for however much I'm capable of preparing for---and for me, that includes knowing that NO ONE can one thousand percent promise to always financially support myself and my children. No one.
There are a million different circumstances that could happen but the moral is that I need to be the strongest, best me that I can be---and although it isn't for everyone, for me, that includes a career path.

And while I'm on this journey, I am trying so hard to find the confidence to make it through one semester at a time, instead of stressing out over the bigger, more daunting reality that is my 3+ years of school left.

Saying that is so oddly incredible though. Because it used to be 6+ years. And I've made it this far already. And I've only failed two classes (because math is stupid hard). And I've learned an exuberant amount of things about psychology and sociology and myself.

And I think I like that the most---that throughout all of this, I am learning more about the person I want to be and the person I've been up until this point.

My new semester starts tomorrow. Pray for me. I get anxiety every time the new semester begins because I'm absolutely, positively sure it is going to be the semester that breaks me. So far, that hasn't happened.

And I'm trying so hard to have enough confidence to remind myself that I can do this---because my record so far is looking pretty darn good.