Monday, August 26, 2019

Surrendering The Big Stuff

Surrender. 

What I've learned throughout the past eight months is that I suck at surrendering.

Because I am a professional control freak. Or at least I try to be. 


Surrendering so much this year has been amazing. And extremely scary. I have taken some of my hardest decisions and consulted God in the process, trying to figure out what He wants for our family.

I found that some of the hardest decisions made the most sense. 

As you know, we've been a competitive dance family for 7+ years. I have found myself basing a lot of life decisions around dance. Because how can you not? Competitive dance (especially when you're working a second job to pay for it) runs your life. It just does. 

Can I continue to be a foster parent? Probably not because I teach dance on Saturdays and finding babysitters is so hard on me. 

Can we take a small vacation as a family? Probably not because all of my extra money needs to be set aside for hotels and competitions and nationals, etc. 

Can my kids try out for the school musical? Nope---because dance is 4-5 days a week. 

You get the point. 

Around June, it was beginning to haunt me. I remember jokingly asking my friend how I was going to hold on as my 11-year-old danced throughout the next 7 years. How was I going to afford it? How would I be able to devote extra time to my boys? How would I student teach when I have to be at the studio to teach dance at 4pm? And how would I get enough classes to cover her dance fees when I couldn't teach past 6:30pm when daycare closed?

This past year had burned me out. I was at the studio until 8:30-9pm a few nights a week, with a teething/crawling/walking/whining baby boy and an older boy who would spend hours on his iPad.

Home cooked meals were a joke. Our house was always a disaster. I was definitely over-doing it. Definitely, definitely.

But then this precious girl of mine would thank me for making her dreams come true and allowing her to develop her passion and I'd tell myself we would figure this out, year after year. I'd figure it out if it killed me.


I held on in July. I went back to teaching and realized my schedule would be lighter this year---awesome as far as time with my boys, not awesome as far as paying for competitive dance.


I'd like to point out that when I say I held on, that was coupled with anxiety attacks at least weekly. But I smiled through it. I danced with my cutest dance babies through it. I stayed busy and told myself I'd sit down to figure out the logistics later.


I can't explain exactly what happened the day I decided we had to quit. I can't quite explain the emotions that went into it or the firm answer to prayer that life without dance was still life. That may seem ridiculous to need that answer but I did. 


I struggled with it at work. I sobbed to my sister. I didn't want to tell my kids. I didn't want to tell anyone at dance.

But I knew it was the only way I'd start to feel mentally healthy again. 


So at the beginning of August, I sat in the parking lot just outside of my kids school and told them we were taking a break from competitive dance for this year. And it was hard. We all cried. We cried for a few days.


But things began to turn around as the kids told me other things on their wishlist of activities. They tried out for the school play and both made it. We've gotten homework done every single day and had more home cooked meals as a family. We've spent so much time together in the afternoons. I't's been so different in the best way. 


Do I miss it? Yes and no. I miss the relationships. I miss watching Hayley shine on stage. I miss watching Andersen make new friends. I miss seeing the love that everyone has for Nixon. They've literally watched him grow from a newborn to a toddler.

But I don't miss the competitive stuff that gave me anxiety or worrying about how I was going to pay for it all. I don't miss stressing that Hayley wasn't working hard enough, only for her to come home in tears because she felt like she was working hard. None of this is a complaint about her teachers or her studio. If we hated them, we would've left a long time ago. The truth is that we loved Dance Republic. We loved the teachers. We loved all of our friends. Saying goodbye to what was a main priority in our lives was so hard. I know it won't be the same. I know the relationships have to shift. Hayley's dance friends are super busy and she isn't anymore.


But the amount of joy I have felt as we are preparing to adopt Nixon is worth those heartaches that we've felt. 


Surrendering answers in my life to God is not easy for me. This decision was one of those huge ones that I have fought for a while. But what I'm learning is that surrendering my life to God and His plan for me is going to bring us the most long-term happiness and peace.

And that is what I need the most right now.

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