Me.
365 days ago, I was laying on the very couch I am sitting on now, yelling at God.
I know I've told this story in different ways on different occasions but it's been hard not to relive them today, to remember back to an incredibly dark time in my life and recount every detail from those days.
I've been told to move on and although nobody has the right to tell us to move on because we all grieve differently, the truth is that I have. I am a much stronger person and the after-effects of that horrible weekend last March don't wound me quite as deep as they used to. I'm able to let them fall off of me more quickly.
I can remember back to this very day and telling God, "I KNOW you can make this go away. I KNOW you have the power to erase it. I KNOW you know how deeply this hurts everyone involved. SO WHY? WHY have you not fixed it? WHY have you allowed it to happen? WHY?!"
I was so angry at God...angrier than I've ever been...and it was one of the first times I can really remember directing my anger AT Him.
And He never made me feel bad for doing so. In fact, God knew that my anger was present because I was scared. I couldn't see how life was ever going to be ok. It felt good to yell and scream and release my anger.
It's like that scripture in 1st Corinthians, chapter 10, verse 13, that I used to believe meant that God would not give us more than we can handle.
Oh my gosh, you guys, I have definitely been given more than I can handle. Divorce alone was more than I could handle on my own.
But I don't believe that's what God was really saying. I think that scripture tells us that God will not give us things beyond our capacity and then leave us. Because truthfully, we can do anything with God next to us. We can get through the very things we believe we would never be able to handle.
Jesus makes things whole for us, even when they fall apart into a million pieces.
Talking deeply about the things I've been through this past year is not easy. Because I like telling you the parts where I'm brave and don't doubt my abilities.
But I doubted myself last year.
And 364 days ago, I thought about committing suicide. I thought that my life was only ruining those around me. I thought there were people who would be better at mothering my children than I am.
I thought about giving up my own life, throwing in the towel I've fought so hard to earn over and over again.
Now that I'm here, a year later, I can tell you that beyond that darkness came a light far brighter than anything I've ever experienced. I fought harder than I've ever fought to regain my worth, my belief in myself.
I found myself growing closer to God in a way I never would've predicted. I started living for me and for my children.
I became more confident in myself and those times I doubted myself lasted fractions of what they used to last.
I have had three hundred and sixty four more days of memories because although I thought it would be better to give up, I didn't do it. I was so broken but I decided to put my trust in God.
I look back to how I felt in these very moments a year ago---despair, darkness, confusion---and I am so thankful I never gave up.
I am so thankful that I am here today and that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have faith that He knows exactly what I've been through, since He suffered for me personally and was crucified by a group of people who did not understand Him.
I have never felt what He experienced but I do know what it is like to be misunderstood and hated. I know what it is like to try to explain your choices and have people ridicule you and want to hurt you.
As I sat through Good Friday service yesterday, tears streamed down my face. I didn't even think I'd cry or that it would be a super emotional day but as I listened to the story of Christ being crucified, I felt Him so close to me, reminding me that He's been there since the beginning and that He'll be there through the end.
Jesus Christ died for me. He died for you. And if we can remember that in our darkest hours, we can have hope that we can be made whole again.
Through Christ, all things are possible.
All things.
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