Persist.
I can't get this word out of my mind. But it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like my past words have and that bothered me.
I searched for synonym words that could bring the same meaning but nothing compared.
I thought about using the word Surrender for a second year in a row because that word has been so powerful for me this past year but I also know I need to have a new focus as this next year begins.
There are huge changes on the horizon.
Two weeks into 2020, I am finally beginning my student teaching journey.
I. Am. So. Scared.
Fourteen weeks of no income and not having the flexible schedule to balance motherhood and work. It just feels like a lot. It IS a lot.
I'm worried I won't be a good teacher. I'm worried I'm not smart enough. But I'm utilizing my word from this year--surrender--and I'm just giving all of those fears to God and moving forward.
2019 was one of our best. And surrendering my life to what God asked of me was hard but good.
In August, I pulled the plug on our crazy dance life. I still miss it. It's still hard. But a lot of that is because of status. Having a daughter who was incredibly talented made me feel like I was crushing motherhood just a little more. Weird--but true. The competitive dance world is hard and giving it up for the betterment of my family was not an easy decision. I really think God ultimately made the decision because the day I made that choice, I just couldn't see my life moving forward with dance. I miss watching Hayley on stage. I really do. But I love the time our family has spent together the past four months.
I surrendered my life to God when I chose to adopt Nixon. It didn't necessarily make sense to those outside of our family. And I had fears regarding that huge decision too. I was scared I wouldn't be enough for him on my own. But I also know how much I love this boy and so I surrendered my worries to my Heavenly Father and put all of my trust for our futures in His hands.
I truly learned a lot from surrendering a lot of big decisions last year. Utilizing the word surrender helped me to be able to let go of anxiety and have faith.
In 2020, I really feel like we are going to make some huge, positive changes.
-Finishing school and *hopefully* being able to find a teaching job will allow me to spend more time with my family and support our family more.
-Continuing to foster and serve our community will push us to grow as a family and learn from each child we have in our home.
-Hayley is starting the Young Woman program at church and with that, she will experience growth and hopefully be able to find more friendships at church. She will also go to junior high this year--not loving that thought right now--but more opportunities for growth!
-Andersen is also starting a new church program that I think will help him to grow and make more friends.
-Nixon is turning 2 this year and that's all sorts of weird. He is going to be a whole different kid by the end of the year because he seems to be changing and growing every day!
-And I've got some other goals on the horizon that are personal to me.
Persistence is such an important role in all of this. To me, persistence means not giving up when things get uncomfortable.
A year ago, I gave up on my student teaching because I was spread way too thin and could not see myself giving enough attention to student teaching and my family. Because our dynamic is different this year, I am ready to power through the scary moments.
Persistence is a reminder that if I have a hard day or a hard week, I need to look ahead and fight for the good days. Persistence means not giving up on my mental health and continuing to learn how to care for myself so that I can better care for my children.
This is my year, y'all.
I can feel it.
