Months ago, I wrote THIS post about my anxiety disorder and how it affects my life. I stumbled upon it today while looking for something else I had written and it just seemed to hit me that my anxiety has been quieter lately.
Without medication.
It's a personal story as to how and why I went off of my anxiety medication but that was over two months ago and realizing that my anxiety has been a little more distant in the past few weeks has me feeling a lot of positive-emotional feelings.
You see, I'm not an advocate for medication and I'm not an advocate for a more natural approach to dealing with anxiety.
I'm an advocate for doing what feels right for YOU.
That advice alone, because it kind of isn't even advice, is the only kind of advice I would give you if you asked me whether you should take medication or use essential oils or drink coffee or see an energy healer to aide your anxiety.
The things that have worked for me in the past 6 years of dealing with the worst parts of my anxiety disorder have changed throughout time. Sometimes, medication helps the most. Sometimes, it aggravates what my body is feeling.
I've learned that it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else for it to be the right thing for me.
I'm still an anxious person. I still hate when my kids are not with me. I still think about the day when/if I'll have to say goodbye to my precious Leo boy and feel a sense of panic.
But I have been handling those ups and downs so much better lately.
And maybe I'm on here writing just to say how thankful I am for these times in my life where I'm handling everything pretty well.
Because I can't really think of another reason why any of you would need an update on the current medications I'm taking. ;)
I'm just grateful that life has been so beautiful lately. Co-parenting has been effortless. Teaching dance has been a huge highlight. Raising my three babies has been so rewarding.
It's just all going right, right now. And I'm so thankful for that.
Monday, September 24, 2018
Monday, September 10, 2018
How Do I Do It?
This past weekend, my brother finished his two-year church service mission with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's my hero, that kid. The obstacles he has faced in his life have been challenging but have not kept him from his goals and I think that's what I love about him the most.
He is a great example to me of doing hard things.
On Sunday evening, my family threw an open house for him so that people who have been a part of his journey could celebrate his accomplishment. This was something I was selfishly looking forward to because I knew I would get to see many people from my childhood years, people who had helped shape me into the person that I am today.
Throughout the night, there seemed to be a theme among people that hadn't seen me in years and asked me whose baby I was holding.
"Mine!", I would reply, before explaining how Leo came to be in our family. And as soon as I would finish, the question was always the same. "How do you do it?"
It's a fair question, although being treated like Super Woman when you often feel like Hot Mess Woman is a little uncomfortable for me.
But I wanted to address that question in blog form because it's usually pretty hard to articulate when I'm asked face-to-face.
How do I do it?
How do I raise two biological children while also raising the sweetest little baby boy through foster care? How do I work 30+ hours at a pediatric doctors office while my kids are in school and promptly go work another 14+ hours working at the dance studio every week? How do I manage to be in school full time, this semester taking 6 classes total online?
How do I do it?
I take it one day at a time and my Google calendar is my lifesaver. My ex-husband's wife was actually the one who suggested a Google calendar because I could update it and it would be shared with the two of them. Genius! I now have three calendars on there---a calendar for the kids that is shared with their dad, a calendar for Leo, and my own personal calendar. Everything is color coded and includes every little thing you could imagine, including which days the kids are with which parent and everyone's personal (and crazy) dance schedules.
My calendar is pulled up on my computer and my phone at all times and I check it multiple times a week to make sure I'm staying on track with everything that we are doing.
How do I do it?
I go to therapy.
I remember a few weeks ago when my therapist asked me, "Suzanne, what do you do for self care?". I couldn't really muster up an answer because I was feeling especially defeated that day. But when I got home, I realized that therapy IS my self care. I know it won't be forever and quite honestly, I find myself not relying on it as much these days but back in January, when I was suffering from PTSD regarding the nine month trial that had happened most of 2017 and I had to imagine what life would be like if there was a huge custody change for my children, I needed her as much as I needed air or water or food. I relied on therapy because my beautiful life---the life where I fought for what was best for my children and ultimately was given what was best for them---just seemed so uneasy most of the time.
How thankful I am to no longer be in that same place that I was back in January of this year.
How do I do it?
I rely on God.
Yes, I should've put this one first because it is definitely at the top of that list. But I don't feel like moving it so you're just going to have to trust that it is the most important one to me.
I like to say that I rely on God but often times, God just shows up even when I think I can do this without extra prayers or asking for guidance (because I'm kinda stubborn). God is a huge part of my life and I have a gift of feeling close to Him even when I'm busy and life seems to take precedence. I recognize the many moments where God has led me to where I need to be. In fact, take Leo for example---I know Leo is supposed to be in our family. I knew I was called to foster care without knowing why. Leo is my why. Yaya was my why. God knew He needed me to protect these babies at these specific times, even though my life did not seem to be in the perfect "foster parent" position. But I'd argue that is ANYONE'S life in the perfect position to become a foster parent? It's messy and all the training in the world cannot fully prepare you for the experience that is foster parenting.
How do I do it?
I let things go.
I do the things I need to and the things that I want to do and I give myself permission to let other stuff go. When a friend wants to hang out and I literally write back, "Sure! I am available two Thursdays from now.", that is not me being a jerk or not wanting to see my friends. If I can make it happen, I try to. But my kids come first. And my work comes second. And school comes third. The rest of the things may or may not happen.
And that's ok!
I have realized this past year that I get to choose what to put in my life and that I don't need to feel guilty about the things that take a backseat to what I believe is most important.
How do I do it?
My tribe supports me.
I wouldn't be able to do this life thing without my family or friends. They willingly take my kids on Saturday mornings while I teach. They listen. And that might be the biggest support. I have a few friends who I talk to almost daily about the ups and downs and everything in between. They listen and offer guidance but often times, they just remind me to look at the bigger picture. Because living in the chaos that we are right now needs to be embraced. I cannot change the fact that I'm single. And I refuse to put my goals and dreams on hold because I'm single. So I'm going to have to embrace the chaos that is my life right now.
How do I do it?
Sometimes, I don't.
I drop the ball at least once a day. Just this morning, I was SO proud of myself because we got out the door on time! As I drove up to the kids' school, I looked over at my front seat and defeatedly asked the kids, "Did anyone grab Leo's bottles for daycare?". I already knew the answer before they could reply. I hadn't asked anyone to grab them so why would they have grabbed them?
Tears began to stream down my face, realizing all of my hard work from the morning wasn't going to do me any good. I was still going to be late for work.
Defeated was the only word I could think to describe it, really. And this is not just a one time thing. I try to stay on top of everything but it's inevitable that something falls through the cracks.
Usually, it is that my house is a disaster and the dishes have started to smell. Or that the kids haven't finished their homework and gotten it signed. Or that Leo's gorgeous biracial hair has not been combed. Or that I haven't cooked a meal in over a week. Or that my homework is past due.
It's always something. There is always some area of my life where I can pinpoint failure. And if I let that eat at me, I am bound to sink into a pit of despair where I wonder HOW I'm EVER going to be successful at this life thing?
Because as you heard, forgetting bottles at home brought me to tears today...
So how do I do it?
I just do it. I try to stay as organized as possible and I try not to beat myself up when some days just blow up in my face. I try to embrace the days we don't have a long list of things happening and I also try to embrace the days we leave our house at 7:00am and don't get home until 10:00pm (those days really do exist).
I am not Super Woman. I do not have super powers. All of these things I do, you would probably do if this were your life.
I am learning to respond with "thank you's" instead of deflecting my accomplishments. Because the truth is, even on the days where I fail at some things, I'm still doing pretty great. There are still a lot of things I'm doing right. So when someone tells me I am doing amazing things, I don't roll my eyes or say, "You should see my house right now.", I am learning to agree and thank them for noticing.
Because this Hot Mess Woman has got a lot of things going right and those things really should be acknowledged.
He is a great example to me of doing hard things.
On Sunday evening, my family threw an open house for him so that people who have been a part of his journey could celebrate his accomplishment. This was something I was selfishly looking forward to because I knew I would get to see many people from my childhood years, people who had helped shape me into the person that I am today.
Throughout the night, there seemed to be a theme among people that hadn't seen me in years and asked me whose baby I was holding.
"Mine!", I would reply, before explaining how Leo came to be in our family. And as soon as I would finish, the question was always the same. "How do you do it?"
It's a fair question, although being treated like Super Woman when you often feel like Hot Mess Woman is a little uncomfortable for me.
But I wanted to address that question in blog form because it's usually pretty hard to articulate when I'm asked face-to-face.
How do I do it?
How do I raise two biological children while also raising the sweetest little baby boy through foster care? How do I work 30+ hours at a pediatric doctors office while my kids are in school and promptly go work another 14+ hours working at the dance studio every week? How do I manage to be in school full time, this semester taking 6 classes total online?
How do I do it?
I take it one day at a time and my Google calendar is my lifesaver. My ex-husband's wife was actually the one who suggested a Google calendar because I could update it and it would be shared with the two of them. Genius! I now have three calendars on there---a calendar for the kids that is shared with their dad, a calendar for Leo, and my own personal calendar. Everything is color coded and includes every little thing you could imagine, including which days the kids are with which parent and everyone's personal (and crazy) dance schedules.
My calendar is pulled up on my computer and my phone at all times and I check it multiple times a week to make sure I'm staying on track with everything that we are doing.
How do I do it?
I go to therapy.
I remember a few weeks ago when my therapist asked me, "Suzanne, what do you do for self care?". I couldn't really muster up an answer because I was feeling especially defeated that day. But when I got home, I realized that therapy IS my self care. I know it won't be forever and quite honestly, I find myself not relying on it as much these days but back in January, when I was suffering from PTSD regarding the nine month trial that had happened most of 2017 and I had to imagine what life would be like if there was a huge custody change for my children, I needed her as much as I needed air or water or food. I relied on therapy because my beautiful life---the life where I fought for what was best for my children and ultimately was given what was best for them---just seemed so uneasy most of the time.
How thankful I am to no longer be in that same place that I was back in January of this year.
How do I do it?
I rely on God.
Yes, I should've put this one first because it is definitely at the top of that list. But I don't feel like moving it so you're just going to have to trust that it is the most important one to me.
I like to say that I rely on God but often times, God just shows up even when I think I can do this without extra prayers or asking for guidance (because I'm kinda stubborn). God is a huge part of my life and I have a gift of feeling close to Him even when I'm busy and life seems to take precedence. I recognize the many moments where God has led me to where I need to be. In fact, take Leo for example---I know Leo is supposed to be in our family. I knew I was called to foster care without knowing why. Leo is my why. Yaya was my why. God knew He needed me to protect these babies at these specific times, even though my life did not seem to be in the perfect "foster parent" position. But I'd argue that is ANYONE'S life in the perfect position to become a foster parent? It's messy and all the training in the world cannot fully prepare you for the experience that is foster parenting.
How do I do it?
I let things go.
I do the things I need to and the things that I want to do and I give myself permission to let other stuff go. When a friend wants to hang out and I literally write back, "Sure! I am available two Thursdays from now.", that is not me being a jerk or not wanting to see my friends. If I can make it happen, I try to. But my kids come first. And my work comes second. And school comes third. The rest of the things may or may not happen.
And that's ok!
I have realized this past year that I get to choose what to put in my life and that I don't need to feel guilty about the things that take a backseat to what I believe is most important.
How do I do it?
My tribe supports me.
I wouldn't be able to do this life thing without my family or friends. They willingly take my kids on Saturday mornings while I teach. They listen. And that might be the biggest support. I have a few friends who I talk to almost daily about the ups and downs and everything in between. They listen and offer guidance but often times, they just remind me to look at the bigger picture. Because living in the chaos that we are right now needs to be embraced. I cannot change the fact that I'm single. And I refuse to put my goals and dreams on hold because I'm single. So I'm going to have to embrace the chaos that is my life right now.
How do I do it?
Sometimes, I don't.
I drop the ball at least once a day. Just this morning, I was SO proud of myself because we got out the door on time! As I drove up to the kids' school, I looked over at my front seat and defeatedly asked the kids, "Did anyone grab Leo's bottles for daycare?". I already knew the answer before they could reply. I hadn't asked anyone to grab them so why would they have grabbed them?
Tears began to stream down my face, realizing all of my hard work from the morning wasn't going to do me any good. I was still going to be late for work.
Defeated was the only word I could think to describe it, really. And this is not just a one time thing. I try to stay on top of everything but it's inevitable that something falls through the cracks.
Usually, it is that my house is a disaster and the dishes have started to smell. Or that the kids haven't finished their homework and gotten it signed. Or that Leo's gorgeous biracial hair has not been combed. Or that I haven't cooked a meal in over a week. Or that my homework is past due.
It's always something. There is always some area of my life where I can pinpoint failure. And if I let that eat at me, I am bound to sink into a pit of despair where I wonder HOW I'm EVER going to be successful at this life thing?
Because as you heard, forgetting bottles at home brought me to tears today...
So how do I do it?
I just do it. I try to stay as organized as possible and I try not to beat myself up when some days just blow up in my face. I try to embrace the days we don't have a long list of things happening and I also try to embrace the days we leave our house at 7:00am and don't get home until 10:00pm (those days really do exist).
I am not Super Woman. I do not have super powers. All of these things I do, you would probably do if this were your life.
I am learning to respond with "thank you's" instead of deflecting my accomplishments. Because the truth is, even on the days where I fail at some things, I'm still doing pretty great. There are still a lot of things I'm doing right. So when someone tells me I am doing amazing things, I don't roll my eyes or say, "You should see my house right now.", I am learning to agree and thank them for noticing.
Because this Hot Mess Woman has got a lot of things going right and those things really should be acknowledged.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
The Halfway Point
I try really hard to take my New Year goals seriously.
Keyword = try.
I was sitting here and thinking back to January and I realized I couldn't even remember what my word for this year is. So that shows you just how well my goals are going, huh?
Of course, I easily figured it out by looking at January's post. But still---I obviously haven't been focused on it enough if I was able to forget the word altogether!
The word I had picked was forgiveness. And since it is now September (technically past the halfway point...), I knew I wanted to assess the goals I had made and re-center myself.
Because lately, I've been feeling out of whack---like I'm just running from place to place with no sense of purpose.
I go to therapy and half of the time, my thoughts just ramble because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.
So I guess those videos in elementary school about drugs turning your brain into scrambled eggs didn't contain the full truth. . They should've added that motherhood/divorce/fostering/college/career/ADULTHOOD IN GENERAL could also scramble your brain.
Moral of the story? We need to be teaching young children to go live on the beach with ZERO responsibilities so their brains stay healthy forever.
Of course, I'm mostly kidding. And although I've never tried to test out the difference, I am sure my brain is less scrambled now than it would be if I were doing cocaine. At least I sure hope so!
Nevertheless, I feel like I'm just here. I'm not really gaining much or losing much. I'm just here. I'm not growing mentally or spiritually. I'm just here.
Am I working to forgive myself and others? Kind of. Which is better than not at all but not as great as YES!
I've let go of so much past hurt. I've done a really great job of moving forward. I have forgiven myself for things I never thought I'd be able to move past.
I have accepted that only hindsight is 20/20. I might hate that but I've accepted it.
But I feel like this year brought some unexpected changes and I didn't expect to react to them in the way that I have.
After our court trial, I was worried that my co-parenting relationship would be ruined with Hayley and Andersen's dad. Thankfully, that seems to be the opposite of what happened. I mean, it sure isn't all rainbows and butterflies but I truly thought that our relationship would need so much repair work because the last year was full of so much hurt.
That's a God thing. God did that for us. Somehow, it has been better and things have run pretty smoothly with only small snags here or there.
But that's pretty typical because it's co-parenting---and it sucks.
Leo came into our lives and I find myself moving between believing he will be here forever and panicking that DCS will call and tell me he is leaving tomorrow.
I'm not ready to open up about Leo's situation and what his future most likely holds yet but just know that I am equal parts mess and at peace.
I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and shouldn't have. Because two seconds before that, I was fine with the way I looked and felt and two seconds after that, I began struggling to love myself and have continued down that path in the weeks since. It. Has. Been. Hard. And that's sad to me because it hasn't impacted me that significantly in a long time.
As a disclaimer or FYI to that paragraph, I am still currently doing great and am fully still in eating disorder recovery. Just in case you're my mom and you were worried.
On any given day, I can go from wondering how I'm even managing to stay afloat to feeling like I am Super Woman in about 10 seconds flat.
I am not drowning but half the time, I feel like letting myself.
I am not going to give up but half the time, I feel like that'd be easier.
So as far as my goals for the year, I am really trying to push through and remember that FORGIVENESS word. I've sincerely thrown all of my other yearly goals out the window because I just want my main focus to be on digging into my past and realizing that it doesn't have to determine my future.
I still have faith that it's possible, mainly because I have seen it work in my own life.
And so this is my halfway point (even though we are 3/4 of the way through the year) where I recommit to myself that I am going to continue focusing on forgiveness and moving forward with my life.
Thank you for coming and goodnight.
Keyword = try.
I was sitting here and thinking back to January and I realized I couldn't even remember what my word for this year is. So that shows you just how well my goals are going, huh?
Of course, I easily figured it out by looking at January's post. But still---I obviously haven't been focused on it enough if I was able to forget the word altogether!
The word I had picked was forgiveness. And since it is now September (technically past the halfway point...), I knew I wanted to assess the goals I had made and re-center myself.
Because lately, I've been feeling out of whack---like I'm just running from place to place with no sense of purpose.
I go to therapy and half of the time, my thoughts just ramble because my brain feels like scrambled eggs.
So I guess those videos in elementary school about drugs turning your brain into scrambled eggs didn't contain the full truth. . They should've added that motherhood/divorce/fostering/college/career/ADULTHOOD IN GENERAL could also scramble your brain.
Moral of the story? We need to be teaching young children to go live on the beach with ZERO responsibilities so their brains stay healthy forever.
Of course, I'm mostly kidding. And although I've never tried to test out the difference, I am sure my brain is less scrambled now than it would be if I were doing cocaine. At least I sure hope so!
Nevertheless, I feel like I'm just here. I'm not really gaining much or losing much. I'm just here. I'm not growing mentally or spiritually. I'm just here.
Am I working to forgive myself and others? Kind of. Which is better than not at all but not as great as YES!
I've let go of so much past hurt. I've done a really great job of moving forward. I have forgiven myself for things I never thought I'd be able to move past.
I have accepted that only hindsight is 20/20. I might hate that but I've accepted it.
But I feel like this year brought some unexpected changes and I didn't expect to react to them in the way that I have.
After our court trial, I was worried that my co-parenting relationship would be ruined with Hayley and Andersen's dad. Thankfully, that seems to be the opposite of what happened. I mean, it sure isn't all rainbows and butterflies but I truly thought that our relationship would need so much repair work because the last year was full of so much hurt.
That's a God thing. God did that for us. Somehow, it has been better and things have run pretty smoothly with only small snags here or there.
But that's pretty typical because it's co-parenting---and it sucks.
Leo came into our lives and I find myself moving between believing he will be here forever and panicking that DCS will call and tell me he is leaving tomorrow.
I'm not ready to open up about Leo's situation and what his future most likely holds yet but just know that I am equal parts mess and at peace.
I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and shouldn't have. Because two seconds before that, I was fine with the way I looked and felt and two seconds after that, I began struggling to love myself and have continued down that path in the weeks since. It. Has. Been. Hard. And that's sad to me because it hasn't impacted me that significantly in a long time.
As a disclaimer or FYI to that paragraph, I am still currently doing great and am fully still in eating disorder recovery. Just in case you're my mom and you were worried.
On any given day, I can go from wondering how I'm even managing to stay afloat to feeling like I am Super Woman in about 10 seconds flat.
I am not drowning but half the time, I feel like letting myself.
I am not going to give up but half the time, I feel like that'd be easier.
So as far as my goals for the year, I am really trying to push through and remember that FORGIVENESS word. I've sincerely thrown all of my other yearly goals out the window because I just want my main focus to be on digging into my past and realizing that it doesn't have to determine my future.
I still have faith that it's possible, mainly because I have seen it work in my own life.
And so this is my halfway point (even though we are 3/4 of the way through the year) where I recommit to myself that I am going to continue focusing on forgiveness and moving forward with my life.
Thank you for coming and goodnight.
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